The Silent Superpower of Conversations
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood,” — Stephen R. Covey
Real conversations begin with listening. Don’t nod and plan your response. If listening feels easy, you’re probably not doing it.
“As a matter of fact, have you never noticed that most conversations are simply monologues delivered in the presence of a witness?” Margaret Millar
10 ways to create vibrant conversations with little talking:
#1 Be willing to change your mind.
Open your mind. Before selling your ideas, try to defend theirs.
#2 Make space for others to speak.
Let people finish. Pause for three seconds. Relax.
#3 Listen to ask a question.
Don’t just listen to respond. Stay curious. Ask a question before speaking. Maybe ask two. (Read: The Power of Second Questions)
Power tip: Assume you don’t know everything.
#4 Forget about fixing for a moment.
Fixing creates more fixing. Sometimes presence is enough.
#5 Summarize.
Repeat what you heard. Don’t be creative. People love hearing their words come out of your mouth.
#6 Get confirmation you’re on track.
Ask, “Did I get that right?” Name your assumptions. Hold judgments loosely.
Say, “Sounds like you feel _____. Am I on track?”
#7 Show appreciation.
Nod. Say “mmm.” Signal openness.
#8 Relax.
You look too serious when you think. Smile a little.
#9 Forget about winning.
Conversations aren’t competition. They’re opportunities to connect.
#10 Take notes.
Take notes to show you care. Explain that you’re capturing ideas, not judging.
Final thought:
Your ears create vibrant conversations. Humility listens openly. Arrogance listens to prove something. Your voice matters, too. But that’s another post.
Which of these ideas can you implement today? Choose one.
The Five Purposes of Listening
Thanks, Dan. This is excellent advice, presented clearly and understandably, so that anyone can grasp it.
Thanks for the good word, Jay. Steady on!
Great list. I love #3.
Also, cultivate your ability to read between the lines. What messages are they conveying beneath the surface? Probe to see if there is a deeper message.
Great add Paul. Watch body language. Tone. Rate. Notice what topics they often focus on and which ones are left out.
#2 Make space for others to speak. & #4 Forget about fixing for a moment.
You reminded me of a concept I learned back in my software development days: Rubber Ducky Programming.
When stuck while figuring out why code isn’t working, explain it to a rubber duck. Yes, that one – Ernie’s favorite bathtime buddy. In explaining it, you slow down enough to see things you have missed.
It is my experience that the vast majority of the time people either know the answer or can figure it out. A leader’s role is to help them get there. It can often simply be by listening without speaking.
Thanks for sharing your insight, Ryan. I’m calling it the Rubber Ducky Principle.
You put is well put. Slowing down helps us see something. We often know more than we realize.
I think my favorite reminder, for me, is “if you think listening is easy, you’re doing it wrong.”
Hi Glen, I’m glad you found something useful. Cheers
If you haven’t already read it, you should check out Jefferson Fisher’s book, “The Next Conversation” or watch him on his YouTube channel. Great stuff.