The Neglected Secret of Growing Through Hardship
Nietzsche believed in the transformative power of suffering. He wrote, “What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” But not everyone rises. Growing through hardship is possible but not guaranteed.
Adversity becomes a festering wound for about 50%*. Their souls shrivel. Their lives circle suffering. They’ve been wronged. Life is unfair.
The Neglected Secret of Growing Through Hardship
Factors of growth:
- Self-reflection.
- Supportive relationships.
- A growth mindset.
- Personal responsibility.
- New behaviors and attitudes.
- Confidence.
- Coaching and mentoring.
But there’s a secret many miss.
Surrender is the neglected secret of growing through hardship.
Surrender releases resistance. Don’t waste energy fighting what is. Stop asking, “Why me?” Forget about complaining that things aren’t fair. So what if you don’t deserve hard times.
Surrender gives suffering permission to teach. It opens your heart to grow.
Surrender isn’t giving up.
Surrender is accepting you have a lousy boss and doing the hard work to thrive anyway.
Growing through hardship is:
- Accepting what you can’t change.
- Redirecting energy from resistance to resilience.
- Adapting to new realities.
- Working hard in an unfair world.
- Letting go of the illusion of control.
- Reclaiming your power.
- Making meaning in the real world.
Questions to Help Team Members Practice Surrender:
- Where are you resisting that you can’t change?
- What comes to mind if you shift from “Why me?” to “What now?”
- How might the need for fairness be holding you back?
- What’s something about you that’s holding you back?
- If this hardship had a voice, who would it call you to become?
- How might acceptance give you more freedom than control ever could?
- What story do you want to tell about how you handled this?
Project:
- List everything you can’t control.
- Choose one thing within your control to change.
What suggestions do you have for leading team members toward surrender?
How has surrender played a role in your growth?
Questions that Encourage Post-Traumatic Growth
*Post-Traumatic Growth: Benefits and How to Achieve It
This is the essence of “Amor Fati” in Stoicism. Amor Faiti or Love Fate means exactly what you describe here. Lean into the situation if you can’t control it. Use it as fuel for your fire. The obstacle is the way.
It’s not easy, but it’s a game changer when you do it properly.
Thanks for a new term. I’ve never heard the expression, “Amor Fati.”
I image doing it properly includes not being helpless.
Correct. The intent is to identify what’s out of your control and accept it. Once that’s done, you find what you can control and focus your action there.
I enjoyed this past. The most unhappy, bitter people I know still expect life to be fair. However the other attitudes I have found you have to have to make what you propose work are:
* Don’t compare your outcomes to other people’s. My best growth/victory might not look like other people’s.
* As long as i have done my best I am enough.
* It’s ok to rest and regroup to start again tomorrow.
I feel a rhythm coming on. Life isn’t fair. Don’t compare. Maybe it’s a mantra we should adopt. Thanks, Joanne.
I have always loved the introspective look of asking, “What story do I want to tell?” It can quickly sober you up out of your pity party.
Thanks Matt. Love it. Sometimes we just need to project into the future and imagine how we will explain what did or didn’t do.