Disarm Defensive People
Defensive people resist growth. They deny, deflect, and justify.
You offend them when you offer help. Leaders suffer disappointment.
Defensiveness protects self-image. Arguments threaten it.
Defensive People Says
- “I just did what you told me.”
- “I wasn’t trained for this.”
- “Why are you singling me out?”
- “I’m doing the best I can.”
- “You should have stepped in.”
Don’t Say
- “You misunderstood.”
- “That’s not what happened.”
- “You’re being defensive.”
- “You missed the point.”
Self-protective people attack when cornered.
Debate validates defensiveness.
Don’t argue about the past. Coach for tomorrow.
Invite reflection.
Dance with Defensive People
Shift people from self-protection to self-reflection.
Build ownership with curiosity.
- Walk me through your thinking.
- What were you hoping would happen?
- I hear that others let you down. What part of this belongs to you?
- What did you learn about yourself?
- What did you learn about succeeding?
- What will you do differently next time?
- I’m glad you tried to do good. What actually happened?
- What specific roadblocks tripped you up?
- What are your frustrations telling you?
- We all tell ourselves stories. What story are you telling yourself about this?
Don’t win arguments. Equip people.
When someone becomes defensive, what’s your first reaction?
10 Ways to Defeat the Evil Monster of Defensiveness – Leadership Freak
These are great, Dan, thank you.
Good morning, Joe. Thanks for the good word. Hope you and your family are well.
Gold. Pure gold. For me for sure, and for a friend with whom I’ll share this. I try not to be defensive and so respond with curiosity “tell me more” or a simple “thank you.” But I absolutely love your questions to move toward self-reflection. This is a keeper for sure.
I wish you well on the journey, Pete. Thanks for the good word.
Dan–love that line—-“Shift people from self-protection to self-reflection.”
And these are great question to promote reflection.
What were you hoping would happen?
What did you learn about yourself?
What did you learn about succeeding?
What will you do differently next time?
What are your frustrations telling you?
We all tell ourselves stories. What story are you telling yourself about this?
Thanks, Paul. I’m glad you stopped in today.
Hey Dan,
Great post today my friend! The way to win this game is to not play theirs.
Hey Young Fellah. Nicely put. I notice in myself and other a tendency to default to defending.
Hello Dan. Good advice here. Thanks. I would add, though, that as leaders we have obligations to look in the mirror when subordinates fail (and as a result are defensive) and ask ourselves: 1. Did I provide the necessary training? 2. Did I provide the necessary resources? 3. Did I provide the necessary guidance, expectations, and intent? If these were not provided or insufficiently provided, the leader looking the mirror must apply much of the blame to him or herself for subordinates’ failures (and their defensiveness).
Kind regards, Barry Fetzer
Dear Dan,
An interesting post with good practical tips to encourage defensive people! The best way is to equip them with right resources and additional training/knowledge to try newer things. A leader needs to be very supportive, encouraging and hard task master to deal with underperformers.