The Unasked Question

I heard a former Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff say something shocking.

“The question I wish people would have asked me is, ‘How do you feel?’”

On another occasion I heard a CIO ask his CEO, “How do you feel about that?”

The unasked question is, “How do you feel?”

Feelings

Don’t let feelings govern your life.

In the rush to deliver results and solve problems, feelings are left at the door.

I like to think, “Just do the work.” But feelings matter.

Energy

Feelings matter because emotion energizes action. Feeling motivated, for example, is energy to act.

Leaders who rule out emotion throw cold water on energy. Even dark emotions are energy. Several leaders I work with are experiencing dark times. We use these times for reflection.

Reflection clarifies what matters. Effective reflection leads to action.

Don’t wallow. Act.

(Read: The Vagrant)

How to Ask the Unasked Question

Connect with others by providing space for them to share emotion.

Don’t dampen joy because people don’t see all the problems you see.

Ask, “What’s energizing you?”

Don’t feel the need to solve dark emotions.

Ask, “What does this painful emotion tell you?”

Affirm, don’t correct. “I see how you could feel that way.”

Build relationships by showing respect when you see vulnerability in others. I hate it when someone tries to fix how I feel. Don’t you?

Pro tip: Protect confidences to maximize the energy in emotion.

What makes the unasked question uncomfortable?

How will you answer the discomfort of exploring emotions?

Stop Problems that Don’t Exist

One reader writes, “What an amazing read,” after finishing, The Vagrant: The Inner Journey of Leadership.