Don’t Be a Hater-Leader
You aren’t literally a hater-leader. (I hope.) But you may do things that feel like hate.
Leaders who focus on fixing people feel like haters to their victims.
Rejection feels like hate.
Development helps people grow. Fixing treats them like defects.
Evolution of a Hater-Leader
Hating quietly sneaks up on leaders who focus on weaknesses. Nagging dissatisfaction comes off like hate. Focusing on problems and failures transforms you into a hater-leader.
Control your focus because your focus controls you.
Power of Focus
- Focus on inadequacy to create inferiority.
- Focus on opportunity to ignite optimism.
- Focus on weaknesses to become a fixer.
- Focus on strengths to expand competencies.
- Focus on progress to generate energy.
- Focus on power to make others feel weak.
- Focus on joy to become magnetic.
You find what you seek. You go where you look.
Look for problems; you’ll find them. Helping feels like hating when it’s fueled by dissatisfaction.
What do your words reveal about your focus?
Action Items
- Spend an entire conversation exploring capabilities.
- Ask three questions before offering one suggestion.
- Say, “I trust your judgment.”
- Notice when you collect evidence that confirms a negative opinion.
- Make room for humanity. Not every weakness requires your intervention.
- Describe impact. Say, “The delay created confusion,” not, “You’re unreliable.”
- Notice improvement before mastery.
People grow when they feel respected, not rejected.
Respect feels like love.
Have you experienced a hater-leader? What were they like?
Stop Hating the People You Serve – Leadership Freak
Book: Helping People Change.
“Ask three questions before offering one suggestion” is a great reminder. It’s important to ensure we are listening to understand before we potentially jump in to help solution or provide constructive feedback.
I find reminders are necessary in a hectic world. The goal is to practice curiosity.
Everyone has a flashing sign on their chest that says, “make me feel special”. Always spend more time talking about “them” and their gifts, not yours. Most people don’t care what you have. They want to know what you can do to help them get what they want. RC
This comment reminds me of Zig Zigler who said, you can get everything in life you want if you just help enough other people get what they want.
I think the secret is seeing the outstanding qualities in people.
Everyone wants to feel respected. Pointing out flaws with animosity instead of with a learning/growing coaching message leads to feeling less than enough and diminishes motivation to grow/learn. Good leaders learn to ask the right questions .
So true Jane. The right questions are life giving.
Wow – thank you for an extra great post today! Even if you’re not in a de facto leadership position, these principles apply to how we communicate, with anyone, about any topic or issue we want to impact.
That’s the good thing about leadership principles. They apply to all of life.
Deeply appreciated the suggestion to “Describe the impact” as the leader is the one who ideally is objective enough to share that observation without totally squelching the team member. THose who care about the team will want to improve. Thanks again for your insights Daniel Rowcliffe.
Thanks for jumping in today, Pauline. I looked up Daniel Rowcliffe and found an obituary! 🥳