Shutting others out
An employee stops interacting with fellow employees. A son or daughter slams their door and won’t come out. What’s it mean when normal social patterns shift and someone pulls away?
Isolation may mean they want something
Shutting others out sends a clear, simple message. “I’m not getting what I want and I don’t like it.” It’s a strategy we used when we were little. Do you remember scooping up your toys and running home because things didn’t go the way you wanted?
Isolation may mean they’re violating something
When someone that normally interacts stops interacting, they may be hiding something. I believe guilt makes some people hide.
Isolation may mean they’re hurting
Some people, and I’m one, prefer to withdraw when I’m bothered or hurting. For better or worse, I want some time and space.
Reaching out?
Reaching out to “door slammers” may only throw gas on their fire. Rather than begging an angry teenager to come out of their room, it may be more effective to understand and acknowledge their message. I’m not saying agree. I am saying acknowledge. The same thing goes for an employee or colleague that pulls away. Ask yourself:
What do they want? (I’m not saying give it.)
What have they done?
Are they hurting?
Reach out when negative behaviors have long-term negative impact. You don’t want to run around the office mothering everyone that suddenly pulls back. Give them some time and space. However, you must deal with persistent isolation.
Going out?
Here’s another side of this issue. Leaders “want stuff” and won’t always get it. Isolation may be the self-defeating strategy you employ to send your messages. If that’s the case, open your door and pleasantly interact.
*****
Why do people isolate themselves?
How do you determine to intervene or give space?
I think people isolate themselves to think, to feel their pain alone, to reconsider a situation, to send a message (maybe leave me alone, maybe I need time, maybe, this just isn’t the time etc.). Soemtimes, they may just be waiting for someone to make a connection and show they care.
Rather than making any assumptions (benevolent or malevolent), I suggest one way to intervene is to name it and ask i.e. ‘I sense you would rather not connect just now. I could be wrong. Let me know and I’ll respect your choice. If there’s something you want to discuss, I am open to that too.”
Cinnie,
I’m always glad to see that you’ve joined the conversation.
Your suggestion to “name it” and then ask is so practical and actionable.
Best to you,
Dan
Three cheers to your approach Cinnie. Naming it and letting someone know you are there if/when they want to talk is spot on. It shows respect and a willingness to help.
Bravo.
Kate Nasser
Good morning Dan. Interesting post to start the day. In the past my philosophy was to allow others and myself at least a 24 hour cooling down period. I also never made decisions of any sort while I persisted in the “steam room.” That being said, because of reasons mentioned in earlier posts it is very difficult for me to get rattled but I do know enough to back off and let the other partie(s) retreat, regroup and not re-engaged them until I see some indication of “all’s clear.” I believe people isolate themselves when they feel threatened either because of not being prepared to defend a position or not ready to accept reality in an ever changing dynamic environment. To survive in today’s global market place words like, “Never, not now, I am not interested, We don’t need it etc” should be stricken from everyone’s vocabulary unless one plans to isolate themselves and live in some desolate island. People need their space and I am all for allowing it provided the issues are not crucial. Everyone’s space needs vary so again we need to invest the time to know our folks but for the most part I believe the true challenge for leaders is to apriori create safe spaces that are pre-determined and defined so people know where to migrate to when the pressure is on. That being said when coming on the re-approach I am always careful to tread lightly and check the “temperature” before I venture on in and make things worse. As you said acknowledging is always important and the first step before deciding on the merits of the issues. All in all as leaders I think we should be the “couch” for our folks and the “handkerchief” when needed. It will promote shorter periods of unrest dowen the road and our staff will venture back a lot sooner. Have a great day, Dan. regards, Al
Al,
Your comment is filled with wisdom and compassion. It’s your compassion that oozes like honey from your words. Thank you!
You slip in an important idea regarding timing when you say, “provided the issues aren’t crucial.”
Thanks for mentioning other reasons why people withdraw. I got the sense of caged animal as I read some of what you wrote.
Culture, culture, culture… oh Yeah.
I just want to come and sit in your office for awhile.
Best regards to you,
Dan
Al is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. You can read his bio at: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/al-diaz
Another great post, Dan! I can’t recommend highly enough Stephen Covey’s instructions on empathetic listened to let people know it’s safe to open up. I heard it in the audio version of 7 Habits where the is audio from some of his live audience interactions.
He who has ears, let Him hear… What is the context? sunday school, work, boss, client, children, marriage, etc,… and what is your goal? What are you trying to accomplish? What are their personality types? introvert? We are all created for relationship, but intimate relationships where trust and communication are built steadily over time. Communication is the key to any good relationship and that requires listening as much as telling someone something. Spend quiet time together over just a cup of coffee and just listen. Sometimes silence and just choosing to spend time together will encourage to open up to you.
I believe withdrawal is used when nothing else is left, when there is nothing left to give. Not being a leader in the formal sense of the word (I have no subordinates but can still lead up and across), I find peers and even myself withdraw at times. I would see withdrawal as more positive behaviour than going into a coworkers office and beginning the gossip fest. Even Jesus withdrew himself from His disciples in the garden of Gethsemane to pray and talk to His Father about the ordeal He was about to go through.
As far as dealing with withdrawal, just give a person time to decompress and the seek first to understand.
This is a great reminder, but I would take it a step further in that any change in behavior may signify a problem that may also be a call for support or help. From my experiences as a supervisor, and later as a counselor after my retirement, I have come across many situations where the engagement from a simply question may even save a life. For example, as a young supervisor in the service, I had a frontline supervisor that was quiet and reserved most of the time. All of a sudden he was larger then life and acting totally 180 degrees from his normal behavior. This prompted me to ask him what had changed in his life, and followed with some questions based on his responses. Very shortly into this question and answer period, he stated some concerns over loss of a parent, personal attacks from peers in the barracks, and that he had contemplated taking his own life. He was quickly connected with supports and counseling that may have saved his life.
Enjoyed the post,
Dale
This topic has come up for me in conversations and interactions with several people close to me lately.
Why do people isolate themselves? My observation about people who completely stop speaking to each other and overtly acknowledge that (“Joe and I are not speaking – if he wants to fix things he knows where I am, for example) have fallen victim to a negative momentum – it may start with a small slight, but just like water going down the drain circles faster and faster, the standoff gathers steam and all of a sudden it is its own ugly entity (an entity that rubs off on people around the two in the standoff, potentially harming morale and productivity).
Regarding whether to intervene or give space — I am addressing just a piece of the “shutting others out” issue when discussing standoffs of “not speaking” (as opposed to people who may employ isolation as a temporary remedy to conflict). In a “not speaking” case, unless some grievous crime has been committed, and ESPECIALLY in cases of family, I think it is critical for one of the parties to acknowledge the growing estrangement and nip it in the bud. It’s not easy, but it’s the “grownup” thing to do.
I blogged about a time when I got into a “not speaking” standoff with a friend here: http://waytenmom.blogspot.com/2010/12/this-friendship-was-mint-to-be-mama-kat.html
Great post Dan. To add on to your posts, in my experience I have discovered that some people isolate themselves and slam doors on others because of “pride”. Have you ever worked with individuals who disregard correction or aiding and the moment you try to offer a helping hand they feel their territory is being attacked and the only way to protect that territory is by slamming the door in the face of others.
On the other hand, there are some people who when hurting prefer to be alone. It could be, naturally they don’t have the capabilities to engage in dialogue with others in the moment of the heat and the only way to resolve the issue is by staying away for a while. I know some of my colleagues who when they are angry, rather than being confrontational, they would rather cool a little bit on the sidelines and later on they approach me and inform whether I hurt them or someone did.
In terms of reaching out, I suggest we give such people ample time and space to cool down but not allow the time frame to be too long otherwise that will make it too difficult to reach them.
I have a humble opinion in answer to your first question, Dan. I think people recoil and isolate themselves because of embarrassment. We all want to send the message to those around us that we are capable (and in this US economy, that we are employable). So when we struggle, we don’t want it out in the open for all to see.
What’s a leader to do? All they have to do is go back to your previous post(s) on listening.
IMHO.
Another less clinically pathological reason may be wrapped up in what motivates the individual. We are all motivated by Achievement, Affiliation and Power.
Before leaping to a clinical reason for an individual’s self-imposed isolation, consider that they just may simply be motivated by Achievement. I have found in the course of my career people motivated by Achievement tend to want work alone. To use your word Dan, they work in “Isolation.” They do not have a need to be around other people, especially people driven by Affiliation motivation.
Just another perspective…
Be safe….Jim
Jim,
I’m so glad you brought motivation theory to the discussion. Great observation.
While writing this post I thought of some people that prefer “isolation” for no other reason than they work best in quiet, predictable environments.
They may not be best for some projects. However, they’re still achievers.
Nicely said,
Dan
Jim is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. You can read his bio at http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/james-leemann
Dear Dan,
People isolate themselves because of difference. It might be difference of opinion, expectation, feelings or standard etc. Isolation also arises out of complexes. Superiority, inferiority and any other complex that we feel unimportant, dis-respected, dejected in the eyes of others or vice versa. Isolation flourishes on unfair ground. Communication plays an important role in isolation. constant communication discourages isolation and lacking it encourages isolation.
People need respect. It is human nature. When someone isolates you, you want to protect your self esteem and self respect. People want to be heard of. If you listen to others patiently, others will respond you in the same way. I strongly believe that constant interaction resolves major isolation and lack of communication and interaction increases isolation. When you do not talk to someone for longer period with whom you used to be very close, isolation starts building.
I believe communication and interation create affection that bonds people together. And absense of these two factor increases isolation.
In the end it comes down to being able – and humble enough – to ask the right questions at the right moment. It’s hard to ask questions to someone who might be hurt, or hiding something, or whatnot. But asking questions is often the key to a successful outcome.
I dont know about isolation, but whutting out others opinion because they are different than yours? I don’t see the point of it. Trying to make others say that your opinion is correct is just wrong, So what they don’t Like it as much as you? You do not have the same opinion as they do at the same time. Have they shut your opinion out? No, they haven’t, so why do you do it?