10 ways to get the most from a 2 year old
“How can they be so immature?”
“People should grow up.”
These and other people-complaints float around offices and across tables at lunch. Suppose you actually had an office of two year olds, how would you get the most from them?
1. Lower yourself
Get down on their level. Two year olds don’t like it when you tower over them. Get on your hands and knees.
2. Elevate them
Better yet, let them be above you. Go the extra mile and get below them. Lay flat on the floor and let them crawl on your belly. Let them be taller than you.
3. Lower your voice
Speak quietly. Loud voices make them uncomfortable. It also helps to use positive tones. Strong emotion and anger is scary.
4. Simplify
Speaking of speaking, use single syllable words they understand.
5. Participate
Do things with them. Pile up blocks, color, make truck noises and push some dirt.
6. Build confidence
Ask them to show you how to do something. They love teaching dumb big people.
7. Clean up with
Two year olds don’t work well alone. They need help staying on task.
8. Clean up after
In the end they may not complete tasks well. You’ll end up cleaning up and finishing for them.
9. Clean up after pt. 2
They make stinking messes in their pants and don’t know how to make “it” go away.
10. Reward small successes
“Oh my! That tower is spectacular.”
Three reasons
There are three reasons we treat two year olds the way we do. First, we love them. Second, they are at their current potential. Third, they are growing and learning.
If they can but aren’t developing, we adopt other strategies.
*****
Which of these strategies could apply to offices you’ve heard about?
Which definitely don’t apply? Why or why not?
Lovely! Partly because I actually have a 2-year old around… But I also find “The three reasons” a beautiful reminder of the power of your choice of perspective when interacting with people.
Hi Tora,
Thanks for the good word. I’m glad you spotted the value of those final three statements. I think a person’s potential and desire to grow is crucial to how we treat them.
Best,
Dan
Dan, this is awesome. So much truth in your post.
Mike, a good word feels good my friend. Best, Dan
Wow Dan. I joke about baby sitting at work. This brings it to a new level. But in essence you are right. The towering loud voiced boss booming orders and being short with people just frightens people and many times makes them “cry” or hide. The next thing they do is avoid the big mean person. Working at someones level is important. Building them up and complementing accomplishments lavishly is good. But in the office world we do have some who can function only at that level. It may not be beneficial to continue to coddle them and clean up the dirty diapers so to speak for too long. Even the most head strong toddler will eventually be potty trained. We have to recognize when to nurture and take care of individuals. This may happen frequently during ones employment. Changing job functions they become an infant again and need to be taught all new things. But as they grow and spread their wings, just as with children they are looking for more Independence . It is up to the teacher to recognize when that threshold has been reached. We will all see this reversal of rolls too as our parents become the children. Sometimes again this happens with older employees. We care for them, love them, Want them to lead productive and meaningful lives but have to resort to some coaching and soft voiced encouragement so they find their way. Works on both ends of the age spectrum New and Old. How can you get the most of who they are currently? How can you recognize they have stalled and need to take a different approach.
Thank you Dan for your thought provoking comments each day.
Rob,
Love how you gently introduce the idea that you might need to cut a persistent two year old lose. Thats an important part of a short post designed to instigate thinking.
Also, I love the thought that changing jobs may reduce people to 2 year olds again. Good call again.
Best,
Dan
Dear Dan,
To understand others, you need to bring yourself to their level. It means you have to connect with them. This very well applies to office. Growing and learning also applies here, it means as long as people are willing to learn, organisation grow. So, willingness creates opportunity to grow and leaders create and arouse passion and willingness among people. When we allow other to succeed, they help us to succeed, it means we need to focus others to grow.
Bringing yourself to others level does not always work. If the person is unethical, you can not bring yourself to his level. On the other hand, when person is not willing to learn, you also can not bring to his level. The point I want to bring is, curiosity and willingness along with passion is welcome step but stubborness, deliberate actions need attention.
Intention plays the major role to decide whether person should bring himself to others. If intention is good, nothing wrong but if it is not, then bringing down to others level might not be good strategy.
Ajay,
Thanks for your comment.
Love the idea that intention is an important factor in how we deal with people. If they intend to be harmful, unethical, rebellious, resistant .. etc. It is foolish to coddle them.
Thanks for adding value,
Dan
Ajay is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. Read his bio at http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/ajay-gupta
Amazing Dan. This is because of a leader resides in you, where you can identify the qualities a leader should possess. A leader should flatten himself out in front of a team. What inferences you have drawn from this relation between grown-ups and 2 year old kids. Precise observation and what a level of articulation. A relevant post I had written few weeks back: Good Leaders are like Zero http://www.tacitthinker.com/?p=359 or http://is.gd/TyvWSh
Thanks for Such a wonderful post. Awesome, however it would require quite a discipline and patience to imbibe in oneself.
Thanks for the good word…Have a great week. Cheers, Dan
Which of these strategies could apply to offices you’ve heard about?
Which definitely don’t apply? Why or why not?
I think one of the HUGE differences between dealing with a two year old and adults dealing with each other in the work environment is that none of us would presume a two year old has “ulterior motives.” They aren’t trying to get to be the “Vice President in Charge of Family Entertainment Choices” by leapfrogging over the four year old who has been buttering up the “boss” – they just want to watch Dora the Explorer – NOW! That still leads to a situation with which to deal but the parent can come at it from the true issues — perhaps it is not a good time, the child has watched too much, it is time to pick up instead. One of the biggest traps we all fall into at my workplace and many of the ones I’ve been in is that we start relating to coworkers and others in our workday from the standpoint of what we presume to be their backstory (“she never liked me,” “he’s still upset he didn’t get that promotion,” “she’s just in it for herself/not a team player). That completely gets in the way of remaining vision- and mission-driven. Completely.
The best thing we could do this week is “get on the level” of the people we deal with. Maybe work will seem more like “child’s play” that way!
Paula,
Thanks for taking this conversation in a totally new direction. While writing this post I tried visualizing the interactions between adults and two year olds. I never thought about the important difference of “ulterior motives.”
Things are much simpler when they are simpler. 🙂
Thanks for adding value to the conversation.
Cheers,
Dan
Paula is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. Read her bio at http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/paula-kiger
Excellent way to look at how we lead. We can take each of these steps and apply it to the adult word and make a difference. Adults need to play more to be creative which does not have to be blocks and cars but could be a problem to solve. Putting those below you above you can be an example of servant leadership. We all want to be recognized. I could go through and apply them one by one in how it would make you a more effective leader
Dan, I have a 2.5 year old and my evenings and weekends with him go by doing one thing or the other from your list. Two from your list rang the loudest bell in my ears.
Lowering myself and engaging with him exactly at his eye level has been very fruitful for both of us. If I forget to do it, he will remind me to pick him up, I know then what he really is asking for is for me to stay low and come down. So always sit, crawl, kneel, lie – whatever to eliminate the vertical gap.
One thing I consciously try to do is participate with him with the same level of wonderment as he does. I have to act with him as if I don’t know what a block is or how to stack one over the other. So I pile the blocks in a sloppy way first. I would ask mom if a block is red or blue. He would then engage with me showing me all the colors and shapes. He gets excited to “teach this dumb big man” as you say. You know, we lose ourselves sometimes in these sessions, engrossed to the point of total satisfaction.
Great List, Keep it up.
– Sudhar
Great lesson here, you reminded me of some read I had about the tone of voice and its role in discussions. If someone yells or talk louder to state a point, the best way to be heard is to lower your voice, not to provoke an escalation. I tried it and I gotta say it works in most situations. That is, unless someone is REALLY angry, but that’s most of the cases not true.
Great way to start the week Dan!
Know that you are a 100%, 365-24-7 model for them.
Temper your expectations, still have some, very basic.
Be silly, so that they know its okay to be silly.
When you fail, point that you failed…and learned from it. Certainly can talk about how it felt and what you plan to do different next time.
When you start to (or do) lose your temper, tell them and time yourself out. Say something like, “I’m really frustrated/upset/angry/tired right now and I need to time myself out.” (That pays off down the road.)
And to keep aligned with ‘lean’ practices, be ready to answer the 5 whys…because young uns are simply awesome at ‘why’. (‘Because I said so’ does not answer why?)
Safety is non-negotiable, so when it is involved, ‘why’ is not a discussion point. Most other things can be wrangled over.
And the fourth reason, if you are lucky, is they may be taking care of you some day…
Now that I know what to do, I need an office filled with 2 YOs 😉
Great post Dan!
I think it is great when we are reminded of where we were and sometimes where we migrate to depending on the circumstances. The one thing I have found about a 2 year old is how brutally honest they can be! I have learned a lot more than I bargained for when I start asking questions of my three small grandchildren. (2 1/2, 3, and 3 1/2). Their perspectives are frequently eye opening and generate a host of other complexities that one would not normally think about. This goes back to “hanging out” with the front line staff and “unleashing” them to romp about, and yes experiment, fail, suggest, recommend, and just tell you “where to go” if need be. As leaders we need to have sufficient self awareness and security to embrace the challenges often coupled with opportunities which our 2 year old will hand out to us. To really uncover all of the potential at this level the ego must be checked in at the door and a bucket of patience must accompany you but the rewards can be life altering. Investing and sacrificing in our 2 year old will always be a healthy endeavor provided we practice the “1-2-3” method which puts up boundaries on what is allowed and tolerated before we send them to time out. Finally repression has no role here and we need to make them feel safe and comfortable as they “stomp” around the room. I was recently walking with my daughter and 2 1/2 year old through the NYC Museum of Natural History and extended my hand to my grand daughter asking her to walk with grandpa. Well she quickly looked at me and said “No thank you, maybe later.” I was stunned and looked at my daughter who also quickly stated. Hey Dad, at least she was very polite! 🙂 How is that for honesty? Anyone see where my Leggo went to? 🙂 AD
As the Mommy of a 3-year old and a 1-year old, I relate to this post on so many levels. It gave me good food for thought about leadership. First, I recognize and say often than being a Mother is the greatest leadership role I have in my life.
I think many of the ideas in your post are transferable to all leadership opportunities, especially participating, elevating those you lead, building confidence, and celebrating small successes. Awesome post, as usual!
Great post Dan! Living this everyday with my daughter and many of the comments above resonate – especially the reminder that my daughter is learning from me, so how she responds and acts is directly related to what I’ve taught (directly or indirectly).
The three reasons you mention are huge in helping us understand why people act in the way they do; people quite simply are doing the best they can with the information they have. We need to work with them to understand their perspective and respond in a way that allows them to continue to grow and develop.
One piece that I don’t see you talk much about is how important asking questions is to a 2yo, and to our colleagues. Particularly with 2yos, we often assume they don’t know the answer, so we just tell them… everyday I try to remind myself to ask more than I tell and I am always amazed at the responses I hear – so much to offer, that because of the size, age, and packaging, we often underestimate. Hopefully folks see how this applies at work too 🙂
i can definitely see these principles applying to “the 2 year old” in the church…not the physical one but the one who is a fairly new believer. I don’t see any of these not being able to be applied. Thanks for a good thought-provoking post Dan.
I think that being good leaders with our kids makes it so much easier for them to get along at jobs when they grow up. You can really tell that certain people have a hard time accepting responsibility in the job market and chances are, it’s because of their relationship with their parents.
Dan,
Thank you for the post. I oftentimes find myself, as a school principal, struggling to balance my professional and personal lives. These simple activities can help keep me “there” with my three sons (one is four and a half, the other is three, and the little one is eighteen months). It’s funny how I can snap my fingers and 900 students stand in a straight line, hands behind their back, and with absolute silence. Then at home my three sons run and jump around like crazy, no matter what I say or do. It is only when I sit on the floor with them, asking them how to put the pieces of the puzzle together, when they actually “look up” to me.
Perry
Perry,
You said it so much better than I did.
Thank you,
Dan
These are great!
I have a hard time visualizing #2, unless from the point of view of let everyone be an expert in something.
I would also add – make things fun, or at least interesting. In adulthood, we often talk about reaching our inner child. To be teachable like children, etc. and “everything I need to know I learned in kindergarten.” One of the divine aspects of children is their ability to see beauty in the smallest of things and their gift for letting the rest of us know when we’re being too serious, too stuffy, and impatient.
I have a three year-old and can definitely appreciate your perspective. The one I’ve always lived by is to remember I’m ultimately in the role of “coach.” Whenever, I remind my self of that, my perspective changes and my patience improves. It was a great take-away for me as a father and a leader.
Because I am a work-from-home-mom, the “people” at my “office” are ages 4 and 1. And I do *all* these things on a regular basis.
But the thing I struggle with most (at home and at work outside the home) is number 4, simplify language. I don’t like to dumb things down for people, and I surely explain using terms they do not understand at times. Chip and Dan Heath, authors of “Switch: How to Change when Change is Hard” talk about this. They say one of the surprising truths about change is that “what looks like resistance is often a lack of clarity.” When we aren’t simple and direct, we confuse people. When they resist doing what we want, we assume they’re unmotivated (or worse). Often, they’re simply confused.
I am 24, the youngest at my organization and often times the recipient of various leadership strategies. Perhaps I can share how a two year old in the workplace would view being treated like a two year old.
In my experiences as a former athlete and now a young professional, the best leaders I have worked with have employed these strategies without me knowing. That is to say, their motives were pure and their actions were genuine. Great leaders have been able to connect with me (and others) on the level of a two-year-old, but it was done in a way that was pure. Poor leaders, or those who have tried these techniques overtly and come across as condescending and disingenuous. Even if I am acting two, do I want to be treated like a two year old? Probably not. I want to be treated like a three or four year old.
Jason,
Love your comment. Thanks for leaving it.
In the end leadership is never about techniques and strategies. It’s always about living out who we are, authenticity. Authenticity always distinguishes between manipulators and true leaders.
Best regards,
Dan
PS… I’m at a stage in life where being treated like a two year old may one day become a reality… 😉
I like this. Here’s my adult version:
1. Level yourself
Be on the same level. Adult don’t respond well when you tower over them or diminish yourself to them. Give the whole message, but word and express it directly at the level of the person in front of you.
2. Elevate them
Act as though everyone is above you. Show compassion and respect (Never false humility. It shows.) Let it be their idea and appreciate it.
3. Keep your voice low
Speak quietly. Loud voices make them uncomfortable. It also helps to use positive tones. Strong emotion and anger is intimidating.
4. Simplify
Speaking of speaking, keep it simple. State the point in language the other person understands.
5. Participate
Engage. Be curious. Ask questions. Build ideas, use colorful language, make authentic sounds, and use some humor (I like this a lot — Pile up blocks, color, make truck noises and push some dirt).
6. Build confidence
Ask them to show you how to do something. They love teaching people.
7. Clean up with
Adults work better with others. They need help staying on task.
8. Clean up after
In the end they may not complete tasks well. Allow mistakes and make them a teachable moment. You’ll end up debriefing, doing post-mortems, and coaching them to do better.
9. Clean up after major accidents
They make stinking messes. Not knowing how to make “it” go away, they will deny or lie. Build a culture of admitting and teaming up to fix and improve.
10. Reward small successes
“Oh my! That tower is spectacular.” Or: Your proposal is well-written. You are really organized.
Thank you for your inspiration.
Chavah – I love it! I especially like number 9 and it gets me thinking about how quickly we adults move toward the blame game (though I think that comes around age 4…).
In fact, Rypple is hosting a webinar tomorrow on the blame game. I’m going to check it out: http://rypple.com/blog/2011/03/webinar-with-author-ben-dattner/
Thanks for your post!
Great blog. As I was reading it, I was thinking as a teacher working with a difficult class of teenagers. These steps would be effective with them as well … as long as you never lose your dignity. Your steps help a teacher/parent to remain calm while leading a student/child through something new and/or difficult. Before the situation gets out of control, a leader has encouraged participation not instigated a battle. Thanks for sharing.
Hi Sylvia,
Great application. Thanks for jumping in and sharing your thoughts.
Best,
Dan
Great insight! I find myself dealing with these challenges at the office with co-workers and direct reports, as well as at home with 2 little ones.
I liked your conclusion about why we use these techniques, in particular because they (our children or coworkers) are functioning at their current potential. As a parent, this illustrates our hopefulness that they will continue to mature and become more independent. Unfortunately, in the workplace, some (not all) employees have reached their maximum limit for personal and/or professional growth. They are who they are, requiring that you keep them on tasks, and sometimes clean up after them for the long term.
Great post!
Thanks Marcy… I’ll gently add that those who have reached their potential and that potential doesn’t meet organizational objectives they may need a different organization. Cheers, Dan
This post is over 9 years old and I stumbled across it looking at other topics. I found this topic very interesting because I currently have a 2-year-old in my house and the ideas mentioned with leadership and a 2-year-old make a great discussion. I would like to discuss the ten points that you made. 1) Lower yourself- This is very true when dealing with a 2-year-old. I have found success when getting on my daughter’s level when discussing topics. 2) Elevate them- Spending time on the floor with my daughter has built a relationship with her loving to pretend that I am a horse. 3) Lower your voice: This is an area that I need to improve. There are times that it is easy to raise a voice when something goes wrong. 4) Simplify-it is easy to use words she does not understand with her, so this is a key to remember. 5) Participate- time is something that I never take for granted and I must enjoy turning the TV or phone off to spend time with her. 6) Build confidence- she is the best at coloring nails. 7) Clean up with- she loves to cleanup and does best with a parent helping. 8) clean up after-Kids are easily distracted so it is understandable if the cleaning up tasks are not completed. 9) Clean up after pt 2- My daughter is starting to learn how to be potty trained much faster than my son. She does not like the messes in her pants part. 10) Reward small success- Positive affirmation and acknowledge goes a long way with children. We often hear about the terrible twos and I believe that around this age children start to push boundaries and understand what they can do. While they can be stubborn, it is a critical part of develop and the ten steps mentioned can aide in that development.