The Leadership Quality No One Ever Mentions
Yesterday, I led a seminar that began with a discussion of leaders the group admired and why. The conversation was worthwhile and predictable. Everyone admires leaders who possess passion, courage, insight, integrity, vision, and the list goes on.
No one ever says:
There’s an essential leadership quality that never makes the list. Great leaders need, find, and receive help. Self-sufficiency is code for I don’t need others. If you don’t need others, you aren’t reaching high enough.
Not needed:
When you don’t need help, you tell others they don’t matter. Everyone, however, needs to matter. Self-sufficient leaders drive competent people away.
Not weakness:
You don’t need help because you’re weak. You need help because you’re strong and all strengths have corresponding weaknesses.
Dynamic leaders have great strengths and great weaknesses – the greater the strength the greater the corresponding weakness, unless you’re God.
Not a cry baby:
Whining is irritating and unattractive. Woe is me doesn’t invite others in, it drives them away. Weak leaders aren’t whiners who enjoy the safety of excuses. Weak leaders are strong leaders that invite respect.
Seeing your weakness:
The greatness of your vision exposes the depth of your weakness. I love hearing leaders say they can’t do it. Great success begins in weakness, even desperation.
People who don’t need help live small lives with little influence and even less impact.
Inviting others in:
- Others come in when you let your heart out.
- Frailty is an invitation to those with authenticity.
- Fakers never let others see their weaknesses. They also criticize and avoid authentic people. Your authenticity makes fakers feel awkward.
- Give your strength to those who compensate for your weakness.
- Don’t focus on your weakness, just acknowledge it. Focus on your strength. Moving forward while feeling weak is courageous strength.
How can leaders expose their weaknesses in ways that invite others in?
When does exposing weakness become whining?
Excellent post, Dan. You are correct that all too often, we buy into the need to project an image of full and complete confidence.
It is only when have the courage, stregnth and self-awareness to acknowledge and accept our own weaknesses (and dare I share shortcomings), and let others shine in their strength that we become good leaders and good team builders.
“give others your strengths that compensate for your weaknesses.” Very powerful Dan. When we teach others we lead, when we learn from others we follow. We are all smart at different things and our greatest strength lies within our collective brain trust. All feedback is welcome and can be used as “feedforward.” (Marshall Goldsmith?) I believe the problem lies more often than not in not always knowing when we need help. Having the requisite humility is not the issue. Having a trusted circle of many searching eyes can help identify our unanticipated needs. Bouncing things off each other will help especially when everyone is playing, passing and catching. We need all the help we can get from anyone willing to listen to spur on as Doc recently put it “a slow sense of urgency.” 🙂 Cheers
Good post Dan. You captured in words something I was “feeling” for years and was never able to capture in words. Thank you.
Dan, awesome post! I believe that one of the greatest attributes a leader can possess is the ability to recognize/understand more of what they don’t know. The honest sense of inquiry and engaging others in the “knowing” often leads to a group that is far more capable at getting things done well.
I remember when I recognized that the ceiling of the organization was a function of what I didn’t know (less about knowledge and more about how to utilize teams of people in different/new ways). Those were moments that were scary, but led to increased growth (raising the ceiling).
We expend so much energy trying to “hide our weaknesses” when the chances are the people around us already know what they are. We would be better served to embrace them, work on them when they are materially in our way, and leverage what we do best.
Best,,,
Jim
Dan, this is one of my recent favorites of yours – so many nuggets in one post!
I think you answered your first question already – leaders can invite others in when they are authentic about their weakness and inspire others to bring their strengths to the table to help/compensate/balance.
In reply to your second question, exposing weakness becomes whining when the focus is on the weakness and the potential or perceived limitations it places on a person or situation – complaining. To acknowledge a weakness to others shows great courage… to persevere in the face of weakness, great strength.
Dan – what I enjoy most about your posts is your ability to force sel-reflection. That’s the catalyst for self improvement. As for the notion of “asking for help”, what better way to engage people, inspire teamwork, and put yourself out there as human?
What!? Leaders are also human? Noooooo, the horror! 😉
But pseudo-seriously, if you present yourself as the impervious, all-visioning, self-sufficient leader, what is the legacy you are leaving? (Smoke and mirrors–ignore the guy behind the curtain) Short term might work, long term you have damaged the company, the culture (and yourself) more than you may ever be aware.
By saying, “Can you help me?”, at a core level you are also saying, “I want to learn more, I trust you, I need you, and we are in this together.” How powerful are those values!
As far as when does exposing weakness become whining—frequency, duration, and tone…along with others who keep bringing you cheese.
All right D0c I’ll bite. What is the deal with the cheese? ( I know it will be simple but hey sometimes the obvious is the elusive at least for me! :))
You know you whine too much when people start bringing you cheese…wine & cheese… (welcome on board my tangential train o’ thoughts)
Hey Al, thanks for the reference to Marshall’s process with feedforward, seems very intuitive, am going to dig into it a bit.
Hi Doc, I am trying to use the “feedforward” procee with the employee advisory council I sit on to see how it works, and will let you know. Also when you mentioned wine, (my weakeness) you are pushing me to be more of a whiner. Nothing like whining yourself to nice Pinot! 🙂
In my experience it happens when leadership becomes a way of life and is woven into every aspect of the business—the culture, the way decisions are made: in short, it’s part of his DNA.
Dear Dan,
I agree that leaders should not focus on their weakness, they should acknowledge it. I absolutely agree that Fakers never let others see their weaknesses. They also criticize and avoid authentic people. Your authenticity makes fakers feel awkward. Authenticity is the enemy to fakeness. Fakers create distance; widen space between reality and unreality. They intend to fulfill their interest at any cost. I think leaders expose their weaknesses by accepting it and them showing to make effort to overcome weaknesses. They should also show others their incapability, it they are unable to overcome it. Exposing weakness can be whining when we either show our strength or don’t try to increase our strength. I think leaders should try to increase strength and in the process weakness disappear. Many times, our perception about weaknesses is not weaknesses but strength. I have seen people saying that they are introvert in different way. They also say that they cannot speak much in public and they assume and perceive it their weaknesses. Whereas I think it is not weaknesses but strength because they know what they are. Knowing and accepting is the first step of improvement. Many times, we try to be others and we do not believe what we have, rather believe what others have. This is a great fallacy. We should believe what we have and challenge our belief from time to time, so that our belief does not dominate us on worthless ground. Belief is great when it yields intangible and sustainable relationship without harming others.
How can leaders expose their weaknesses in ways that invite others in? When does exposing weakness become whining?
I think the key is in your line “everyone needs to matter.” If the leader projects an image of having everything under control and locked down, they leave no room for people to grow into situations requiring additional authority and responsibility.
Weakness becomes whining when it is an excuse, not a springboard to expanding the circle of responsibility and mutual accountability for the good and the bad.
Thank you
Brilliant! Thank you for the insight. You’re absolutely right. When people follow a leader, it’s because the leader’s values line up with their own. So when a leader asks for contribution from others, they are empowering people to take an action that matches up with their values. And–the broader the network of contributors, the larger the impact. So everyone wins.
Couldn’t agree more, Dan. When we started a blog for our firm (which we’ve been very bad at maintaining, I have to admit), I posted some thoughts on leadership and vulnerability that echo many of the same sentiments. True leaders understand that asking for help and acknowledging vulnerabilities is a sign of strength…and that people will appreciate you for the honesty.
http://wallace.sc/bdzchN
When I ask leadership classes for desirable qualities in leaders one they almost never mention is appearance. A leader needs to dress the part and be fit. He or she doesn’t have to be thin but they should be in shape and engage in some kind of exercise. This also means that leaders have to pay attention to their diet. They should plan their meals and not grab food wherever someone leave it out. Too many in the education business seem to be on the “See Food” diet. You don’t haver to be pretty, but you do need to look your best. Check my leadership book summaries and Net Nuggets at DrDougGreen.Com
Wow! I loved this Dan.
This was really helpful for me at the stage I am in my life.
To realize my shortcomings has the capacity to set me free. I’m ok … even though I’m not the smartest girl in the class.
Thank you.
What about fakers? Sadly fakers has a hard time to take in this kind of knowledge. They will not allow themselves to do so. Not because they are fakers but simply because they think they are fake!! It’s all in their mind. God help fakers. Fakers have lost their ability to believe in themselves. I think they do not know how to say: I’m ok – in spite of everything.
Do we all need a certain amount of self-confidence to manage/cope to face ourselves and our shortcomings? How much self-acceptance is needed? Can it be measured? How much parental love was necessary in our early childhood to make us capable as adults? It makes me so sad so se how childhood has crippled highly capable, wonderful people. The need to be seen, accepted and comforted is so strong in us. I wish there was a pill to eliminate bleeding hearts of a four-year-old child who did not get comfort when needed. Children left alone with their despair take it out on people and relationships the rest of their lives. May God help us.
The results of a bad childhood can be seen every day, all over the place; In business, in families and….. in bad leadership. I wish – actually I pray – that the insight you talk about here will be delivered and reach the right people.
It may be that I was one of them? Well, I have now read it. I think I understood it. And I loved the deep insight it conveyed. Thank you. I will print it out and hang it on my billboard. Hopefully it then will not slip out of my teflon brain 🙂 Writing this to you is helpful.
You might as well acknowledge your weaknesses, everyone already knows what they are!
“give others your strengths that compensate for your weaknesses.” Thank you Dan. From the time i have been feeding on the materials on your page i have become twice as much as i was before.
Thank you.