10 Statements that Eliminate Misconceptions
You sound weird on recordings and you don’t look right on video. The way you perceive yourself isn’t accurate.
Distorted self-reflection hinders growth.
If leadership was done in isolation, the perceptions of others wouldn’t matter.
My wife used to complain that I sounded harsh. My response, “I don’t have animosity in my heart.” Both of us were right.
You interpret your heart. Others interpret your behavior.
Success includes aligning heart and behavior.
Self-reflection is a beginning. But, the way others observe and interpret you is central to successful leadership.
Lousy leaders ignore the perceptions of others.
Disconnected and distorted:
You falsely believe the real you is obvious.
Those who argue when receiving feedback, often have disconnected or distorted perceptions of themselves. I argued with my wife when she told me I was harsh. Now, I see that arguing about being harsh supported her observation that I was harsh.
Collaborative self-reflection:
Clear-up misperceptions and break-down distortions by engaging in public self-reflection.
Invite a trusted colleague into your private reflections. Let them hear what you say about yourself, to yourself.
10 things to say out loud:
- I’m proud of myself when I ______.
- I’m disappointed in myself when I ______.
- I’m really good at ______.
- I wish I ______.
- Others believe that I ______.
- I’m most helpful to others when I ______.
- I’m learning that I ______.
- I aspire to ______.
- I want to be known as ______.
- Things go best when I ______. (Things go worst when I ______)
How do their observations compare to your reflections?
Bonus: Declare the behaviors that express and align with your intentions and observations. Do they see what you see?
Added punch:
Self-reflection is best done with situations in mind. Engage in collaborative self-reflection while thinking about a project, team, or meeting you lead.
When I lead the division meeting, I’m proud of myself when I ______.
How can leaders align heart with behavior?
How can leaders deal with distorted or disconnected self-reflection?
Yes Dan, some days we need to take our blinders off, we get stuck in tunnel vision and don’t see the entire picture. I’m with you on things sounding gruff and harsh,these instances are not our intentions,easily transposed, and taken out of context. Amazing how others see us, and we deny what they see, or chose not to believe them. More times then one my heart has put me on the wrong side, sometimes we need to turn the heart off and do the right thing, easier said then done.
Thanks Tim. “Amazing how others see us, and we deny what they see, or chose not to believe them.” <—— Bingo! You nailed me!
This is indeed important, Dan. Judith Glaser in her book Conversational Intelligence, talks about aligning impact with intention. We are aware of our intention. We are aware of our perception on our behavior. But the only way we can really be aware of the impact of our behavior on others is through feedback. I love your idea of public self reflection- what wonderful modeling of vulnerability and caring. Have a great day. Lori
Thanks Lori. The gap between impact and intention takes skill and energy to bridge. If we aren’t careful we sink into feeling angry at others and/or sorry for ourselves because we feel misunderstood and under-appreciated.
Dan, have u been spying on me?!? lol
Dan,
I had to copy and paste your Ten Things to Say Out Loud. I will use this many times in my self reflection. Thank you.
Dauna
Thanks Dauna. Great seeing you and thanks for the affirmation.
Just heard a psychologist on the radio last week say, we perceive ourselves based on our intent while the world percieves us based on our actions.
Thanks Izak. That is so true. I also tend to give myself the benefit of the doubt more than others.
I love this exercise. I’m going to use it in my MBA Class I’m teaching this Summer.
I think about this too much at work and too little at home.
Great post Dan. I worked for a CEO, that always told me “perception is reality”. Excellent exercises to help change reality.
Thanks Mike. I always hated that saying, mostly because its true. 🙂
A useful exercise is to ask your teammates/family/friends to list observable behaviors that if they saw/heard the behaviors they would agree you are {the quality you wish to be seen as}/
Thanks Paul. Here’s another one. Let someone else read your email exchanges to give you an outside perspective. There are so many assumptions in the way we feel about email exchanges.
Powerful stuff, Dan. “You interpret your heart. Others interpret your behavior.” hit home, and reflects what my next blog article is all about. The point of the article is that self-reflection is “advanced class” because it works best when an outside perspective gives it context. Good questions, too. Thanks.
Thanks Steven. Do come back and let us know about your next article. Always a pleasure.
Self reflection may all be just an illusion, anyway. And on those days when you feel overwhelmed by something out of your control, remember our friend Carl Sagan and his famous words in Pale Blue Dot. (http://www.bing.com/videos/search?q=you+tube+carl+sagan+pale+blue+dot&qs=n&form=QBVR&pq=you+tube+carl+sagan+pale+blue+dot&sc=1-33&sp=-1&sk=#view=detail&mid=FE822696C9A487B845E1FE822696C9A487B845E1)
Courtesy of a 1977 endeavor of our Voyager program! http://www.cbsnews.com/news/voyager-1-in-interstellar-space-nasa-confirms/
Talk about leadership and vision! : )
This was a great post – and so accurate! A few days ago one of my sales team members commented on a post I shared that it was condescending. I was shocked that she felt that way – I certainly didn’t mean it that way, but it was eye opening, and encourages me to see things from their point of view more.
Thanks for the free coaching session this morning Dan – I needed that. I have to say this a powerful subject and one I run into often with clients – I hope you don’t mind but I will leverage these questions with clients as a reflection tool – and I personal will include it in my personal agenda. How many times can one answer “listen” to the questions.
Thanks Again
So Good Dan. I love what you said here: “You falsely believe the real you is obvious.” Something I’ve been working on in the last several years is to get a better understanding of myself. I’m sure you’re familiar with Zenger and Folkman’s thought-leadership in strengths-based leadership. Last few years I read a HBR article where I used their tips to gain an undistorted understanding of myself. I wanted to share the process and hopefully your readers can benefit from it as well: http://paulsohn.org/self-awareness-project-discovering-my-leadership-capability/
Good statements!
WE’ve been putting our entire organization through a transformational leadership programme. Some, more motivated than others – some leaders are clearly working at , some employees “believing” they can lead at their own level. The thing through out the entire program is EXACTLY what you talked about in this post. It’s really how we perceive ourselves, and how others perceive us and the disconnect between the two. The key is the coming together of the perceptions and actions we take to connect rather than disconnect. It’s not easy moving from being a heroic leader to a post heroic leader. It’s not easy to lead from my level and speak to truth to power to someone who has a mindset about their own leadership and what the means. THIS is going to be an fun exercise to use in our ongoing leading at your level workshops. .
I really enjoyed this self-evaluation. However, if an issue is that others perceive me differently than I see myself wouldn’t feedback from others be more meaningful?
We are judged by type and trait, we believe that we have the best traits and others see it as what kind of person we are. It is absolutely true that it does not matter how much you are true at heart but how people around you perceive about you. Perception plays a critical role in our day to day success story. It is observed that those who are good at heart and talented people they are not bother about their social perception, they busy in their own world and because of that they are being typed as lousy and unsocial, which is not true. This is also true that if you want to get success in the life, you need to create a positive perception about yourself among the people with and around whom are working. Their is strong need to assimilate both behavior and heart at one place to camouflage your personality and fake it.
Dan: have you heard from or do you know anything about Scott, the Effectiveness Activator? I’ve been wanting to ask you about him for a few weeks, yet keep forgetting. I sort-of miss him and the dimension he brings to your conversations. Please advise. Thank you.
Right in the heart of the problem.
I liked the conciseness and the final message.
Thank you.
Thanks MilenaV!