Solution Saturday: Crying, Anger, and Gossip
Dear Dan,
How do you give feedback and not be offensive? There are some people I work with who would gladly take on feedback. Others would take the same feedback and then create spirals of gossip about how hard done by they have been or there would be tears and harsh words spoken. Any advice would be great.
(Name withheld)
Dear ‘Don’t Like the Tears’,
Almost all employees say they want more feedback. They want to know how they’re doing and how they can improve. Employees who don’t care how they’re doing need to change or move on.
2 Essentials:
#1. Seeking another’s highest good is essential to successful feedback. Ask yourself if you are giving feedback primarily to make your life easier or to enhance their effectiveness, potential, and opportunities.
Don’t give feedback if you don’t care. Always let people know they’re important and you believe in them.
Seeking another’s highest good means managing them out when it doesn’t also serve organizational goals.
#2. Candor makes feedback useful. Say what you see.
- Don’t judge.
- Don’t fix.
- Don’t justify.
Candor motivated by care – seeking another’s highest good – is the foundation of successful feedback. Candor without caring makes you an ass. Caring without candor is “ruinous empathy*.” (See *Kim Scott’s video “Radical Candor” on YouTube. Go to the 8 minute mark if you want to save time.)
Tears during feedback:
Useful feedback always has emotional impact. It may sting. It may energize. In time, a kick in the gut becomes a point of transformation.
Tears, when receiving feedback, aren’t the end of the world.
Crying indicates pain, a tender heart, or the desire to manipulate. In either case, offer some tissues and give them a moment. Sit back and relax.
Ask, “Would you like to talk about this after lunch?” if crying continues.
Manipulative tears are attempts to short-circuit the process. Stay focused on serving their highest good and press forward. Say, “This seems like a painful issue for you, but I believe it’s important. We need to press through.”
Tears from the tender-hearted suggest tenderness from you. Use a hammer with the hard-headed. A feather works with a tender heart.
Harsh words:
Anger, when receiving feedback, is an attempt to control, deflect, and/or save face. It serves the same purpose as manipulative crying.
- Soften your tone.
- Sit back in your chair.
- Open your posture. Uncross your arms, for example.
- Take a breath.
- Give them a moment. Give yourself a moment.
- Say, “I see you’re angry. What’s troubling about this?”
- Appreciate the reasons for their anger. “I hear what you’re saying…”
- Don’t feel a need to answer or soothe their anger. Just acknowledge it.
- “This feedback is important for you. Is it OK to continue?”
- Say what you see without judging or fixing.
The worst thing you can do is get sucked into someone’s anger.
Gossip after feedback:
Let it go, if it gradually goes away. People need to blow off steam and look powerful.
Deal with it, if gossip is a nagging issue that harms performance or morale. Meet with the gossip and say what you see/hear.
“I hear you aren’t happy with the feedback I gave you. I want my team to be happy. What would you like to do about this?” Don’t take responsibility for another person’s offense. Say, “What would ‘you’ like to do about this?”
Seek feedback on the way you give feedback. “How might I give tough feedback in the kindest way?”
Include them. “How might you help me build a positive work environment?” Get specific. If you can’t see it, it doesn’t matter.
What suggestions do you have when people cry, get angry, or gossip during the feedback cycle?
*I relax my 300 word limit on Solution Saturday
Thanks for the post. I believe the key takeaway from your post is this quote… “Seeking another’s highest good is essential to successful feedback.” This same “seeking” by the leader means that certainly in some cases the best option is for the team member to move on to a new opportunity outside the company. But if we are seeking the other person’s highest good, that may be the best option. Have a great weekend!
Thanks Jay. You capture the heart of leadership by emphasizing the idea of seeking another’s highest good. Why would we even consider anything less?
Have a great weekend!
Dan, this is an awesome Saturday Solution! I also agree with Jay…The key takeaway is “Seeking another’s highest good is essential to successful feedback.” The practice of seeking the highest good is the same principle “champion” teachers use with students – pointing out what they do right and build on it. Getting their input for improvement is also just as valuable. Have a Splendid Saturday!
Thanks Deitra. Your inclusion of ‘getting input for improvement’ isn’t lost on me. If want people to be engaged then we must engage them early, frequently, and deeply.
You are correct that the only purpose of providing feedback is to improve performance. Seeking the other’s highest good IS essential.
One way of providing good feedback is to focus the conversation on achieving the mission, rather than simply rating the person. Feedback immediately after specific projects or attempts, rather than at a fixed “rating” time, are far more effective than annual or semi-annual reviews.
Questions/comments can be something like “What did we want to accomplish?” “What did we actually accomplish?” “Why was there a difference?” “I think we should do xxx to accomplish yyy. How would you improve or change that?” “Your role is xxx. Is that the best role for you, or do you know somebody else in the organization who would fit better, and if so, where could you best contribute and why?” “What resources/help/training do you need to do your job more effectively? If you got those resources, what would be the better outcomes you would achieve?” “How can I better advance the mission of the organization?” “Are you an example/mentor to those you work with?” “What can I do to be a better example/mentor?” Etc….
The idea behind this sort of conversation is not that I as leader have the right to judge you and know what is good for you, but that as the organizational or departmental leader I really want you to succeed while advancing the organization’s mission. I want your good – and I want you to help me to work with you and the others to advance our organization.
Thanks Marc. The after action report is a very powerful tool.
The idea that feedback should be immediate is so important. This is especially true for people who are blind to the impact of their behaviors. If you catch them in the act it’s much easier to see. This works for both affirming and correcting feedback.
Hierarchy and superiority are a hindrance to engagement and transparency.
Let it go. The best!
Thanks Pilgrim.
I find it helpful to ask for their permission before giving feedback. Once asked “can I give you feedback?” they have then both given you the permission to give feedback and they’ve found a place in themselves to receive it.
If they say no, asking them when would be a good time to do it allows them to be ready and take on board what is to come.
I often cry when in feedback situations like this. I personally feel as though critiques make me a disappointment, and so they hit me especially hard. Any tough conversation like this with a superior will make me cry – it has nothing to do with the feedback itself! I say that just to hammer home Dan’s point: crying isn’t the end of the world. I promise you I am listening to what you say and taking it in. I do not think you’re saying it to be mean. I don’t think you’re being unnecessarily harsh. I don’t think this is something that can’t be fixed, and I don’t think I’m about to get fired. I’m just crying. As I told a manager not too long ago after some difficult feedback (compounded by a frustrating situation), I’m not crying because of you; I just happen to be crying while you are talking.
I think it’s somewhat common for people, especially younger ones, to get emotional in situations like this. They are likely more frustrated to be crying than you are alarmed by the crying. Definitely take a second and address it, hand them a kleenex, but also be prepared to just power through it – the tears may not ultimately mean much (as they don’t to me) even if they can’t get them to stop (that’s also annoying).
A great synopsis of this topic! “Telling the truth, in love” is a phrase that comes to mind. Caring and well-timed feedback from trusted leaders was a vital building block in my career. In giving feedback, I’ve seen about every reaction there is, including physical violence. Being prepared for an adverse reaction is essential. Thanks!
It is easier to lie in love (flattery) or tell the truth in hate (accuse to hurt) than it is to tell the truth in love. As the famous movie quote goes “You can’t handle the truth!” and some can’t.