How to Overcome Bitterness After Being Passed Over
Disappointments brings you to a perilous series of choices. I don’t mean to speak lightly, but if you’re bitter, you chose it.
Feeling hurt isn’t a choice. But if you’re bitter, you made choices to get there.
Progression:
Bitterness creeps in when you fail to deal with disappointment skillfully. A colleague with less experience got the promotion you wanted. You’re at a fork in the road.
Disappointment turns to hurt. Hurt turns to anger. Anger becomes bitterness. The progression only takes moments to begin.
- Bitterness is pollution.
- Bitterness is revenge turned inward.
- Bitterness is adding blame to perceived harm.
The great saboteur:
The only path toward success, after bitterness poisons your life, is to get rid of it.
Bitterness dilutes success and pollutes fulfillment. You might think of healthy uses for fear and anger. But there are no healthy uses for bitterness.
Seduction:
The seduction of bitterness is the feeling of power you get while expressing it. You might think you’re standing up for yourself or others. It’s just bitterness.
Overcoming bitterness:
Begin with behaviors. Treat wrongdoers like they didn’t offend you. Treat everyone with courtesy, even if you’d like to kick butt.
You might feel that the person who got the promotion wronged you. That’s bitterness speaking.
Behave your way out of bitterness. You can’t feel your way out it.
When offenses consume you, imagine how you would treat them if the offense hadn’t occurred. (I’m not suggesting you naively open yourself to further harm.)
Relate to offenders with your future in mind, not their past. Consider what’s best for you. Few things are more self-destructive than bitterness. It clouds your thinking and fouls your attitude.
Bitter behaviors feel like balancing the scales by giving people what they deserve. But they destroy you instead.
How might people overcome bitterness after being passed over for a promotion?
Sign outside a Roman Catholic Church in Mumbai (saw this a few years ago): “Forgiveness breaks the bonds of bitterness that bind us to those who have hurt us.” A useful thing to remember.
Thanks as always for the musings Dan. A nice jolt for the mind. There’s much to be said for emotional intelligence and emotional maturity. I’m still at kinder school when it comes to managing unpleasant emotions though. Just when I think I’ve made a shift…..something happens and the ego reappears again craving attention. Self preservation can seem like a reflex reaction at times. I guess awareness is a good place to start. With patience, acceptance, kindness and letting go at humility graduation….
Thanks again and have a peaceful day.
Pick oneself up, dust oneself down and get on with it, move on. Rise above it, be better, go above the the role that may have been a promotion. Ask yourself, would it have truly been a promotion worth your time and effort?
Learn to accept disappoints gratefully, congratulate the person that received the promotion and continue to strive to get there.
You still have a job, a function for the company, keep your mind open to opportunities that still exist within your company.
There is no situation where you cannot take the high road.
Consider the what that other person brings to the table and admit to yourself there may be reasons that person was moved up. This is a good opportunity for honest self-assessment. Much easier for me to say than to do, but all the same…
This is great advice Dan! One doesn’t really have a choice, but to move on. If you don’t move on you die spiritually. You still have to interact with those who didn’t select you. If you don’t move on, they can feel the disconnect and now you’ve provided more rationale for additional non-selections because you can’t let go. Leaders lead by example. They take the high road each time while waiting for the universe to pay dividends. One day soon, you’re going to be a bride smiling down the aisle the entire way. Show the incumbent you support them, and give them your very best, that’s what leaders do!
Performance evaluation need not be a once in a year process. I think it is important to have an open and transparent conversation with your leadership team on what needs to be done for being considered for a promotion and continuously assess and seek their feedback. This will ensure increased productivity and success
for both the employee and the employer.
I think it’s interesting that everyone assumes the person got passed over because they were deficient in some way. Not all companies are meritocracies.
Sadly, there are many “wrongdoers” who will interpret you treating them like they haven’t offended you as carte blanche to do it again and again. Remember the old fool me once/fool me twice saying? it happens more than once, leave.
Bitterness can also be gone once we accept things as they are and not how we perceive them to be or want them to be. It takes a very long time and many mindful hours practicing letting go the emotional attachment from all the trivial stuff.
I just heard Shawn Achor speak at a conference last week on Happiness. I think there are some great connections here. Bitterness is a choice. Just like happiness is a choice. Check out his TED Talk and book The Happiness Advantage!