What if You Suck at Empathy – 7 Ways to Create an Empathy Advantage
Only 18% of people who’ve completed the CliftonStrengths assessment have Empathy in their top five. Which means most of us don’t respond with Empathy immediately, spontaneously and consistently. (Gallup)
“Empathy represents the foundation skill for all the social competencies important for work.” Daniel Goleman
The empathy advantage:
An empathetic leader…
- Builds strong relationships that increase influence.
- Enjoys loyalty from others.
- Makes people feel valued and understood.
- Generates enthusiasm.
- Creates openness to receive instruction.
- Communicates effectively by knowing what people need to hear.
You might be an empath if you:
- Micromanage people.
- Notice and care about people’s feelings.
- Forget yourself when talking with others.
- Enjoy helping when adversity strikes.
- End up overcommitted because you can’t say no.
- Look in people’s eyes and see if they’re telling the truth.
- Feel exhausted during social tension.
- Offer to help, frequently. An empath loves to fix problems.
- Hear other people’s problems frequently.
- Enable others to take risks by creating supportive environments.
- See obstacles and problems others don’t see.
- Personalize the feelings of others.
- Hinder people’s growth and development through over-protection.
- Procrastinate.
- Lose sight of what YOU want and embrace what others want.
(The above list comes from a conversation with one of the most empathic people I know.)
7 ways to create an empathy advantage:
You might not have natural inclinations towards empathy, but you can practice empathy as long as you sincerely serve the best interest of others.
- Listen with interest.
- Remember people’s names.
- Learn about people and their families.
- Ask, “How can I help?”
- Say, “That sounds like a real challenge,” when people explain difficulties and obstacles.
- Affirm emotions. “I can see how you might feel that way.”
- Ask yourself, “What’s it like to be this person?”
How might leaders develop and practice the skill of empathy?
Bonus material:
The Value of Empathy (AMANET)
5 Benefits of Empathy (Goals)
6 Ways to Cultivate Empathy (UCDavis)
Being Empathetic is Good, But it Can Hurt Your Health (Washington Post)
First, “I resemble that remark!”
More seriously, sometimes I think there is a tension around serving the best interests of others. In order to help/save people you can’t see and will never meet, you have to ignore the pain and distress of the people close by.
Thanks Mitch. Or, in order to serve people close by, you have to ignore people you will never meet.
You bring up an important idea. You can’t serve everyone, so who do you choose to not serve. Perhaps the people you choose to serve help define the people you won’t serve.
Compassion might be relevant to people you will never meet. Empathy seems most relevant to the people you meet. Cheers
How about we don’t “save” anyone, but empower others to save themsleves?
Jose, I’m in the drug/medicine safety testing field. Unless everybody is going to carry out all their own risk and impact testing (and buy a million pounds’ worth of kit to do it), then I can’t see how that will work.
I used to be great at remembering names. Not so much anymore…good reminder-knowing peopler and showing genuine interest matters!
Thanks Martin. Here’s to a good memory in the long-term. 🙂
“Empathy” is a very widely-used term that usually goes, as in the case of today’s blog, undefined. Getting leaders to understand what it means is the first step toward getting better at it. And, if we don’t agree on what it means, then the natural thing to say is “it cannot be taught . . . your have to be born with it.”
Dan,
This article could not have come at a better time. I consider myself an empath, as well as my daughter, and much of what you list, are things we both struggle with every day at work, school or home. I also think there is a connection to other personality traits or diagnosed conditions such as Aspergers (which my son has) for which lacking empathy is a prevalent trait. Makes for an interesting and diverse home environment!
On the flip side, I had the ‘suck at empathy’ discussion as well recently. One example is how supervisors who lack this ability often alienate their workers. It is so important especially now, with COVID-19. Maybe you are sick yourself (and trying to work) or lost loved ones unexpectedly. Or maybe it’s something like needing to change your planned vacation week, because the best person to cover you is out either sick with COVID-19 or someone they care for, and their well-being and health is more important than your vacation dates.
Another example, which is personal, is when a lack of empathy comes from a sibling or family member. It creates a rift that cannot necessarily be ‘fixed’ by moving to a new supervisor or changing companies. But as a self-diagnosed empath, we tend to forgive and accept and move on – which I am hoping I can do sooner rather than later.
Thank you for the truly insightful article. I will be sharing with my work team and possibly my family member as well.
Karen
Thank you, Karen, for bringing to light how personality conditions and disorders can impair a person’s ability to have a positive empathetic response to others. Simply telling someone to be more empathetic is not going to be very effective if there are complex causes at play. While such situations are difficult to understand it is important to recognize them as they have a profound impact on a person’s ability to lead and to hold a position of authority.
You might be an empath if you: 1 Never have and never will (I hate anyone micromanaging me), 2,3,&4 yes always, 5, not now not ever again (I used to do this and would just wear myself out), 6-10 pretty much most of the time, 11, always been this way always will (and much more so than others, its that take the road least traveled measure), 12-15, not for many years, will not go there again.
Thanks Roger. It was fun thinking through the conversation I had with my empath friend. At several points, I wasn’t sure if it was empathy or something else. Hence… I used the term “might”, as in might be an empath. Cheers
These leadership topics hit a bit to close sometimes.
Lee Phillips, Claims Supervisor II
Federated Insurance – Property & Casualty Claims
Glad to be of service. 😉 Have a wonderful weekend
“The essence of wisdom is in the discernment of terms …” Socrates
Whaddawetawkinbout? Etymologically speaking …
Empathy is our Self projecting (our Self) into another’s shoes (be careful out there …)
Compassion is personally “struggling with,” as in “I feel your (personal) pain.”
Sympathy is a collective affinity, “feeling as” (the group), as in “symposium.”
You “might be” ( a redneck?) If :
You project … 1, 5, 7,8,11,13.
You struggle with … 4,10,15.
You feel like … 2,3,6,9,12,14.
Let us be honest with ourselves … It is not all the same thing, nor the same way. IMCO.
I are a redneck.
Ain’t we all …
Theoretical the corect equation
Depends on the input and output
Among leaderships and employees to get rid of any obstacles that could make them derailed which ended by failing. embodying EI , and make no room for any racial discrimination
Thank you
Thanks Zak. You bring up one of the important functions of management…. make getting the right results as easy as possible. “Remove obstacles.” Sadly, some management systems and managers making getting the right results more difficult.