How to Discern the Hidden Meaning Behind Suggestions
People say, “We should,” when they mean, “You should.” Bosses say ‘we’ when they mean ‘you’.
It’s a tiny act of cowardice to say ‘we’ when you mean ‘you’.
Discern the meaning of pronouns when people make suggestions.
The hidden meaning behind suggestions:
“We should,” has four potential meanings.
#1. Give ME a job.
Sometimes ‘we’ means ‘I’. High aspiration people seek opportunities to make a difference. They seek challenges and responsibilities. The second option is more dangerous.
#2. Give OTHERS a job.
Complainers use ‘we’ when they mean ‘they’. Complainers have suggestions for others.
When complainers make suggestions ask yourself, “Who does the work?” Complainers make life easier for themselves and harder for others.
Politicians have suggestions for others. They want to shine at the expense of others.
Beware suggestions that make life harder for others. The third option is most dangerous.
#3. Give YOU a job.
Sometimes ‘we’ means ‘YOU’. Naïve leaders jump on opportunities to help and end up doing other people’s work.
You never succeed when you do other people’s work. The fourth potential definition of ‘we’ is honest.
#4. Give US a job.
Sometimes ‘we’ really means ‘we’.
Conclusion:
Define pronouns. A ‘we’ could mean ‘me’, ‘they’, ‘you’, or ‘we’.
How are people using ‘we’ in your organization?
7 Truths about Chronic Complainers Every Leader Needs Today – Leadership Freak
12 Sentences that Prevent Reverse Delegation – Leadership Freak
John David Mann and I collaborated on a book that helps leaders get real with themselves – The Vagrant: The Inner Journey of Leadership.
If you’re reading The Vagrant as a team or a group, send an email to thevagrantbook@gmail.com and let me know. I’d love to setup a short video call with you to meet you, answer questions, and help you get the most out of your experience.
Dan, this post is so true! Thank you for framing it ina way we can understand and be mindful of.
It reminds me to consciously separate the who from the why and the how and be courageous enough to address the who clearly.
Thanks Joe, It does take courage to be clear with pronouns. I’m glad you found it useful. Trust you are well.
Another thought-inspiring post.
I use “we” a lot and in my mind it is to not blame others and be nice in the “we are a team so we all play a part in each others success and failures” aspect.
I liked point #2, maybe I am complaining, and using the “we should…” to offer suggestions. Then I think about my topics and I us “we” when I do not have control of the situation or constraints, so I really am wanting to say “you might want to consider…” (still not as strong as “you should”, but I am mostly “coaching up” with those suggestions, so I not backing down from a tough employee conversation, I’m backing down from upper levels – or at least thinking I’m softening it up to be accepted easier)
It’s funny to fear a “culture” and what I think could happen if I would say things in a what really is a stronger and more confident way. I understand I need to manage what others think of my intent when I say things, and I can handle that part. I just need to take a bigger and better first step.
Thanks for the reflection.
And thank you, Nick for your reflection. I loved following your thoughts. Very helpful and encouraging.
I use ‘we’ often thinking that it makes the conversation/communication more inclusive. I am rethinking it. Pronouns- there for a reason.
Thanks bardohn, we don’t want to minimize the importance of thinking in team language. Or should I say, I don’t want to minimize team language.