How to Get the Appreciation You Deserve
Unexpressed appreciation feels like ingratitude.
The Cost of Feeling Unappreciated
- Initiative fades. Why try when no one cares?
- Score-keeping rises. Little annoyances turn into big frustrations.
- Insignificance sets in. When you don’t matter, energy goes down.
- Barriers go up. We buffer pain by pulling away.
The Complaint
An honest leader said he felt unappreciated. He shows gratitude regularly but seldom receives it.
“The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.” William James
Only liars say they don’t enjoy appreciation.
Train People to Show Appreciation
I asked a client about her troubling relationship with the chairman of the board. She said, “We had a one-on-one and it was great.” He tends to be demanding and rude. But he showed respect for my contribution this time.
“What did you do?” I asked. She received it graciously.
Don’t receive gratitude graciously. Receive it joyously.
#1. Express gratitude for appreciation. If you receive a compliment in the morning, wait until the afternoon. Send a text, “Your kind words encouraged me.”
#2. Be vulnerable. “Sometimes I wonder if anyone notices.”
#3. Describe impact. “Your compliment brightened my day.” Or “I can go a week on a good word like that.”
“… I can live on a good compliment two weeks with nothing else to eat.” Mark Twain
Stop pretending compliments don’t affect you. Train people to show gratitude. Don’t brush it off.
“I like compliments, praises, flatteries; I cordially enjoy all such things and am grieved and disappointed when what I call a ‘barren mail’ arrives—a mail that hasn’t any compliments in it. – Autobiography of Mark Twain, Vol. 3, (2015)
What makes you feel appreciated?
Nearly 80% say Lack of Appreciation is a Major Reason for Leaving
Well then… You have made a huge difference in my life Dan. Your work brings me out of my too often ‘funk’ and encourages me, strengthens me, keeps me moving in a forward motion not stuck in the mud overthinking melancholy. Thank you so much!!!
Well then… I have fuel for the day. Thank you, Christine!
I am daily encouraged and challenged by your posts. Thank you!
And thank you for the kind words, Julie.
I apologize, but I am missing the part where we have an impact to get the appreciation we deserve? I get it, that when they do offer a compliment, we can react differently to have impact, but what about when you aren’t ever appreciated? And you feel all those awful feelings at the beginning of this article, and they really do not notice, and they really do not offer any praises or appreciation, and instead, it is never enough what you do, and they keep adding more expectations on you? I do not see in this article where it actually tells you how to get the appreciation you deserve, I fail to see where that was actually discussed.
Thanks for the feedback, frugal. You make a necessary point. Do something worthy of gratitude.
This post assumed that point, for better or worse.
My love language is words of appreciation, so I resonate with this post. Thank you. I tell people I’m a cheap date. Just tell me something you like about me, or how I may have encouraged you, etc. That is fuel for me. So, thank you, Dan, for sharing these insights and for taking time to speak with me personally almost a year ago.
I appreciate your consistent comments and your authenticity. Keep’em coming.
of course, and sometimes you can just be in a toxic environment, and despite doing things worthy of appreciation or gratitude, it continues to go unnoticed.
That’s the truth.
Thanks Dan. You hit home at the right time.
My pleasure, RR.
I appreciate the time and effort you take daily-YOU make a difference and I loved this post!
Thank you, Colleen. It’s kind of you to say so.
I have been a professional facilitator and mediator for many years, working in a leadership role for a large public organization. Your daily wisdoms have supported, energized, mentored, and affirmed my decisions through those years, contributing to my successes.
More importantly, I have often circulated your posts and encouraged others to subscribe. It is very important to the successes I support that I don’t appear to bring the magic with my personality, rather that it is readily accessible to all and their decision to take up the wand.
Thanks for all you do and share! Your sphere of influence is much more extensive than you may have suspected!
Thanks, Marcia. I think most of us would be surprised to see the full extent of our impact. I’m fortunate to have a platform where I can share ideas.
Dear Dan,
Excellent post. Great guidance on how to receive appreciation and also understand how important appreciation is for every human being. Such a seemingly simple act yet so powerful on both the sides.
Thank you for helping us learn every day through your posts.I do share the pictures and powerful excerpts from your posts with my colleagues.
Grateful for your sharing your valuable thoughts.