How Honest Leaders Destroy Their Leadership
No trust – – no leadership.
You can coerce without trust but positive influence thrives on the foundation of trust.
Losing influence is easy because losing trust is incredibly easy.
Trust and respect:
It takes more than honesty to preserve trust; you must show respect.
People stop trusting you when you disrespect them, even when you’re honest.
Danger of disrespect:
When you lose trust by making people feel disrespected, people give themselves permission to question your character and motives. Honesty is not the issue.
You can be honest and lose trust.
Not only do they judge your character, they feel justified, even compelled, to “warn” others about you. You can’t be trusted.
Protecting Trust:
People trust you when they feel respected by you.
When they feel disrespected, however, they are disrespected. Perception is reality.
10 Behaviors that help people feel disrespected
- Rushed exchanges. You don’t have time for them.
- Unilateral decisions. Lack of participation in decisions that directly impact them.
- Poor listening. They don’t feel understood.
- Rudeness.
- Unsolicited advice.
- Emphasizing failure as a tool to motivate forward momentum.
- Favoritism.
- Cutting them off when they’re speaking.
- Rescheduling appointments.
- Watching your computer while talking.
10 ways to show respect:
- The opposites of the list above.
- Invite feedback.
- Gently, clearly tell it like it is, even when they disagree.
- Appreciate their skills and talents.
- Give opportunities.
- Admire their contribution and accomplishments.
- Public acknowledgement.
- Use their title.
- Acknowledge their challenges and struggles.
- Hold phone calls and other communications while they’re speaking.
The challenging truth:
They won’t keep trusting you if you don’t convince them they’re respected.
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How do you demonstrate respect for others?
How do leaders demonstrate disrespect for others?
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Great insights. At bottom, trust is confidence that a person won’t hurt you in any way – you’re safe with him or her, you don’t have to keep your guard up. Disrespect is painful. Bottom line: Anything that hurts, even the honest truth, with cause trust to waver.
Good post, Dan-
Amazing how it always comes back to listening and being present to people.
It is very hard to continue to show respect for a person who you don’t feel trusts you. It erodes the bond of mutual and trust that are required for a viable relationship to exist and to move forward. The same holds true for our professional, as well as our personal lives.
Martina, you’re absolutely right — even babies can sense when you’re there but not really there. Few things are more disrespectful than that. From what little I’ve gleaned of your profession, I would imagine it’s especially important to be truly present.
Yes, Greg, but like any other profession, many people are just phoning. Thanks for the comment.
Martina, I could not agree with you more. This is a great article and your observation about the difficulty in continuing to show respect to those who do not trust you is spot-on. I suspect the ability to continually show respect to leaders who do not seem to trust you, or your judgement, is the mark of a true professional. It is not easy, but it is often necessary.
We should always show people the respect due them, especially in public settings. Public arenas are not the places to air our dirty laundry, but many people do. The problem is that you not only make your superior or teammate look a fool, you make yourself look foolish and petty. And, in doing so, you make yourself appear untrustworthy.
Loved this one Dan! Hit the nail on the head!
Thank you for the insight! I’ve always believed in honesty and being direct – that way people know where they stand. But, after reading your post, I can see where I’ve made mistakes and have unintentionally disrespected people. I think honesty is good, but like you said “It takes more than honesty to preserve trust.” Thank you for the lists – I believe I will see immediate improvement in some of my relationships by following those points!
This post resonates deeply with me. I have struggled lately trying to understand why I take my respect away from people. Seeing people undermine their own integrity and honor destroys my respect for them, but I know I can’t just leave it there. Real leadership development demands of me that I be the person who makes the change here.
The spiritual clarity of “what’s the change in me?” that doesn’t sacrifice my own integrity and authenticity is the real challenge!
Athena, I admire your ability to look at your own responsibility even toward people who’ve lost your respect. There’s not enough of that.
Great post, Dan! Thanks!
Respect, affirmation, and appreciation of another’s insights and views is critical. I am learning how to listen better, honor other’s time, and be inclusive, but realize I have SOOOOO far to go!
It helps working with great people! (And I do!)
Dear Dan,
I appreciate all the points suggested. The points I like most about people feel disrespected are rescheduling appointment, and watching your computer while talking. I like the points about showing respect is about, admire, appreciate and invite feedbacks. I demonstrate respect for others by creating an environment where they can share their feelings and opinions. I listen to them without interruptions. I appreciate even if they are off the points. I appreciate them for courage to speak and participation in the discussion. I provide opportunity to those who are not exposed to either environment or hesitate to speak.
Leaders demonstrate disrespect to others by creating space between themselves and others. They create false positive perception between them and others. They also put layered masks to get appreciated, respected and show that they are more knowledgeable or powerful than others. But, sooner or later, people come to know the reality. The most common practices that leaders demonstrate disrespect is rescheduling appointment and creating space. They listen and nod to everyone, and people feel that leaders will take action, but leaders do not take any action. They try to show others that they are doing something but in fact they do not do. In this way, leaders lose respect and integrity.
Good post!
How do you demonstrate respect for others?
How do leaders demonstrate disrespect for others?
Demonstrating respect for others starts with something very simple – taking the time to try to understand them (not just their words, but their nonverbals as well). Modern life and its interactions fly by – everyone can find themselves feeling disrespected (or, sadly, communicating disrespect) after an interaction in which everyone moved too quickly to conclude something about the other.
As far as disrespect, take one fifteen-minute period of the new Lifetime Channel show Dance Moms and you’ll see a studio owner who (if the scripted and very UN-real onscreen action is true) who consistently belittles the students under her tutelage and parents who do the same. There’s a way to build strong young people who are disciplined without tearing them down. Same holds true for adults (in my opinion).
Great post Dan. Your lists of how to show respect or disrespect are simple and great reminders of how we should behave when we interact with others. I once worked for a guy that was an expert in showing respect for everyone. No matter how busy he was (and he was very busy), he would always stop whatever he was doing to address someone who walked in his office and give his full attention. That was about 6 years ago, and I still use him as a model for my behavior. He really had an impact on me because of the respect he showed me and others. Thanks again for the post!
I also agree with Martina “it always comes back to listening and being present”.
Hi Dan, what do you mean in To Show Respect #8 Use their title. Do you mean Mr. or Mrs. or job title? Can you explain or give an example?
Hi Andrew,
I was thinking of title as in job title, ie. CEO or Manager or Professor … Plus, if they have earned a title like Dr., Rev.
Thanks for asking,
Dan
Great stuff Dan, I’ll write something on it!
Really great insight. Trust is hard to earn and is so necessary to good leadership. Thanks for sharing.
Thank you. This is very helpful. I believe our generation and the upcoming generation is in need of more of this kind of teaching.
Too many times we forget that being a leader also means being a servant, a cheerleader and an encourager!
A pastor friend, Randy Gariss, always says, “honesty without humility and edification of the other is just cruelty.” So true.