A To-Don’t NOT a To-Do
Even four year olds know that being helped isn’t always helpful. Over eager parents, who step in to “help,” often hear frustrated children say, “I’ll do it myself!”
Never help those who can help themselves.
You got up this morning thinking about things to-do. But, leaders think about things to-don’t. Helpfulness lifted you to leadership but the need to help hampers once you’re there.
The need to help may reflect an unhealthy need to be helpful.
Leaders who need to help are short-sighted unhelpful hindrances who need to feel important.
Step out; don’t step in.
Helping isn’t helpful when it weakens, creates dependencies, or takes responsibility from others.
Delay helping when:
- Ownership is high. Stepping in undermines ownership.
- Teams are motivated.
- Delay shows respect. “I trust you.”
- Acceptable progress is being achieved.
- Long-term benefits outweigh short-term results.
- You questions methods and processes, not outcomes.
- Struggle strengthens.
- Teams trust you. They know you have their best interests in mind.
- Failure humbles.
- Defeat creates learning moments.
Bonus: Stop helping if helping didn’t help last time.
The goal of helping is enabling, not more helping.
Real help takes people to places where they don’t need help. Sometimes, not helping is helpful.
Help when:
- Teams need an extra hand because conditions changed.
- Relationships break down. Help the process.
- Confusion persists. The great role of leaders is creating clarity.
- Help “with” not “for.”
- Helping develops skills.
Frustration:
Monitor frustrations. Acceptable levels of frustration intensify focus and motivate change. Don’t help.
Too much frustration generates relational conflict and paralyzes progress. Step in.
Tip:
Stay near; don’t isolate. Not helping isn’t an excuse to stay distant.
Back to the four year old. They’ll ask for help after they’ve tried, failed, and become frustrated. They respect you when you help after they’ve struggled. But, help before they struggle and they despise and reject you.
When is help, unhelpful?
How do you determine when to step in?
Thanks Dan, I couldn’t agree more with most of these points.
In the mid 90’s we went out and clearly stated that the role of my coprorate department had changed from control to support. We had always been and been perceived to be responsible for control and compliance in the area we are responsible for (Corporate Security). It took some time, but last year the rest of the company followed suit and our corporate and regional HQs have now become the corporate and regional support offices.
At the end of the day letting the “kids” in the frontline do it themselves is most successful, and our role as “parents” is to guide them and support them, but allow them to get on with business without us getting in their way to “help” them do something they are educated, trained and perfectly capable of doing themselves!
Stay safe,
Paul
I particularly enjoyed your terminology regarding corporate support rather than control. What a huge transition! Thanks for sharing your journey.
When my team presented me with a problem, may mantra was: all right, what do YOU plan to do? What courses of action do YOU recommend. That wouldn’t mean I wouldn’t say they were wrong, or that I wouldn’t provide correction. But they knew that I was the blocker, and they were the quarterback. They needed to move the ball, be fast.
You’re right, “delay shows respect”. And it is very impowering.
Great illustration, “I was the blocker” … I haven’t rejected the usefulness of asking “How can I help” the real issue is being too helpful or helpful in unhelpful ways.
Thanks Dan, we have a special needs son and like they told my wife and I, a Handicap child’s biggest handicap is there parents.
I imagine the need to help is even harder to resist in your situation. Thanks for sharing your story.
Thanks Dan! This comes at the right time when I am looking at ways to lessen control. I just did it recently and it really worked. All involved felt so empowered!
I really struggle with figuring out when I should step in. Often I find myself wanting to simply because I know if I don’t then things will end up going crazy. Or at least, that is what I think. You’re right, Dan. Perhaps I should let things go and see how they run first before I interfere.
Great post! Taping a copy to my forehead for regular review.
Great point Dan, I like how you compared this to how young children behave it drives the point home for those of us who have raised children. 🙂
I try to make very clear to my team that I am simply a leader-manager, not an expert on the assignments that I give them. I trust them explicitly to know their subjects/subject matter, and to know when to use additional resources and where to go for them. I always tell them — and remind them often — that I am available any time they need me to answer questions, consult with, as a sounding board, or for general guidance and ideas. And I ALWAYS tell them that THEY are the ones who determine the level, degree, and frequency of my involvement in their projects.
Dear Dan,
What a lovely post with a clear message,’Never help those who can help themselves’. Successful leaders always act more like Coaches who always inspire the team to excel and win. They always show a path of success and guide each member to put his best efforts for achieving the final goal convincingly. Their major role is to create an environment where every member is encouraged to shine with a healthy competitive spirit.
I liked your saying ‘Monitor frustration’ and concluding the post with an example of a four year child.
My best compliments to you for your lucid writing style. Just superb! One of the best posts worth a prize-winning type.
Dear Dan,
What a lovely post with a clear message,’Never help those who can help themselves’. Successful leaders always act more like Coaches who always inspire the team to excel and win. They always show a path of success and guide each member to put his best efforts for achieving the final goal convincingly. Their major role is to create an environment where every member is encouraged to shine with a healthy competitive spirit.
I liked your saying ‘Monitor frustration’ and concluding the post with an example of a four year child.
My best compliments to you for your lucid writing style! Just superb. One of the best posts of a prize-winning type.
Such an excellent post. I like and agree with many points you make Dan. Help when asked for is perfect, asking if help is needed before going ahead with what you think is the answer is a much better approach. In workplaces, knowing when to step in and support decisions and create clarity is the difficult and often missed opportunity. I find people have a problem taking a position when they need to. And help when not asked for, orchestrated secretly or behind the scenes, can be damaging, dis-empowering, and manipulative. Strong communication skills and motivations need to be kept in conscious awareness to make inroads.
When we apply the helping, fixing and doing lens we limit so many wonderful opportunities for the person and ourselves. Stopping and truly listening is the greatest first step – An amazing article penned by Rachel Remen MD Clinical Professor at UCSF School of medicine (Helping, Fixing or Serving) Is a powerful read. I facilitated the exercise of having staff read it out loud (each taking a paragraph at a time) during a team meeting. This process allowed them to practice listening, while receiving the message. Teams to this day talk about that experience and the incredible message and practice reflection it provided. Serving is a remarkable value and skill.
Another GREAT nugget full of insights and wisdom. My favorite part? “Leaders who need to help are short-sighted unhelpful hindrances who need to feel important.” Well said. Thank you!
Great points Dan. On the morning that I first read this I was actually contemplating my “to don’t do” list. This adds to my reasons to have such a list and when to move a group from the to don’t do list, to the needs coaching list. Thanks
I have appreciated the wisdom of a personality assessment tool called Enneagram. It is a tool to understanding oneself by describing 9 different ways that people are fundamentally energized or motivated in life. Someone who falls in the Two range is energized by the desire to help, and conversely, often has a shadow side of too much helpfulness. Your post today is helpful for everyone and especially for those who resonate with the 2 space on the Enneagram. Thanks.
Dan, are you familiar with Enneagram? (If not, Richard Rohr has a good book on it, as well as countless other people.) How do you see this tool making contributions to Leadership?
Good reminders of what I am fostering, building or allowing to form by the decision to help or not to help. Applies this afternoon as my team works through the second incident in three days with one of the key software applications we support. And applies as I think and pray through how a ministry I help lead should approach a ministry partnership in a Latin American country. In both, we have to keep the long-term vision in mind as we react to and handle the immediacy of today.