Don’t Spank the Gorilla
Don’t expect the gorilla to cooperate if you’re spanking him. Insults don’t enhance influence.
You can’t antagonize and influence at the same time.
The teammate you’re complaining about was hired by the person you are complaining to. The project you tell your boss is stupid was her idea. The organization you’re grumbling about was created by the people you are grumbling to.
No one listens to you until they feel understood by you.
You’re so excited about your ideas that you inadvertently create resistance in the people you need to implement your ideas.
Before changing what’s in place, understand it.
Explore and understand current practices and projects before suggesting improvements.
7 firsts of influence:
The difference between a leader and a follower is who moves first.
- Understand them first, then ask them to understand you.
- Connect with others first, then invite them to connect with you.
- Make others feel appreciated first, then call them to appreciate you.
- Serve them first, then ask them to serve you.
- See their dream first, then ask them to see yours.
- Feel their pain first, then share your frustrations.
- Listen to them first, then ask them to listen to you.
Don’t spank the gorilla. Give him what he wants. Appeal to his inner motivations. Make him feel safe.
Start with others.
Leaders who begin with themselves, come off as arrogant and pressuring. That’s because they are. But, leaders who start with others, come off as humble and inviting.
How do leaders insult the people they want to influence?
How can leaders show respect to the people they lead?
Awesome post! We all too often forget that we need to cultivate the people in our organizations in order to complete the work that needs to be done. Everyone is human and wants to be treated like one instead of a robot. Get to know your people first, last and always!
Thanks Joseph. One of my biggest leadership blunders was thinking it was about me when in reality it was about them.
That was my first and biggest lesson as a young leader,fortunately for me it happened at the start of my career.great advice Dan!
This is so deviously simple it might just work 🙂
Thanks Michael. If a 5th grader can’t do it, I can’t do it. 🙂
Everything as they say is the matter of walking in somebody’s else’s shoes to understand their pain……….
Thanks Ks. I’m running to try on a new pair of shoes right now.
Good Luck with the errand… 🙂
Make him feel safe. That’s precisely where I went wrong. Thanks, Dan.
Thanks Steven. I find that my passionate responses can make others feel unsafe.
Amazing post sir, In normal parlance of practice, we try to put our ideas and opinion first before we understand the other’s frame of mind, that is is how we are human being. Leaders make first move, that is truly applicable in every walk of life, we must appreciate the other first to get appreciated. A leader is who we understand first and that collate the ideas and information, put it together and implement it accordingly. understanding others first also gives you an ample time to plan your ideas and understand the circumstances under which you are operating. Do not spank the gurilla, first I did not understand , what is this all about. however after reading I could read the nerve of it and find that if a person applies all the 7 list of influences, he can not fail in his personal as well as professional life.
#1 through #7 reminds me of the reciprocity principle; and ever so true
I have tried many times to convince others of ideas that appeared to me to be not only common sense but highly efficient.
“No one listens to you until they feel understood by you. You’re so excited about your ideas that you inadvertently create resistance in the people you need to implement your ideas.”
This one is ringing loud and clear with me. Showing sympathy and understanding usually creates the same in others.
Wonderful post. I had this experience in my working life of the Leader who thought only about himself. He wanted to impose his ideas on others believing that is the best way to go. When he found that things are not going the way he wanted he resorted to abuse . In the process he thoroughly demoralized the team and result was all good people left one by one.
Taking a cue from this I also entirely agree with what you have said about abuse. Leave alone the leaders , I have come across employees abusing the boss, the Organizations and the Project forgetting for a fact that they are there because of the Company.
If there’s one post I have seen that can save an individual some pain this is it. These are words to heed – read them slow and careful and in context. There is a lot of meaning and power in this concept.
Great post here! I remember reading a quote “No one cares what you know until they know you care.”