Don’t Say, “It’s Not That Bad,” to Someone Who Thinks it’s Bad
Don’t say, “It’s not that bad,” to someone who thinks it’s bad.
You’re right:
When team members say, “Things are bad,” say, “You know, you’re right.” And then ask,
- What’s bad about it?
- What makes you say that?
- What decisions/behaviors are making it bad?
- If it was good, what would it look like?
- Where to from here?
Bad to worse:
Don’t let teammates who think things are bad give you a job. People who say, “It’s bad,” often want you to fix things for them. Don’t! Especially if they are chronic complainers.
Every time you fix a chronic complainer’s issue, they find another. Things go from bad to worse.
Weak to strong:
Treat people who think things are bad like intelligent competent team members.
- Don’t contradict their assessments.
- Ask for suggestions.
- Expect them to make things better.
- Use “you” and “we.” Don’t ask, “What can “I” do?” At the most, share responsibilities. Don’t assume them.
Every issue you fix for someone validates their weakness and helplessness. It might make you feel important and powerful. But in the end, you become a zoo keeper. People keep bringing you their monkies.
When someone shows up with a monkey, be sure it’s still theirs when they leave.
Brief and long:
Talk more about what you want and less about what’s bad. Problems are magnetic. If you let them, they control the conversation. Don’t beat dead horses. Discuss issues briefly.
Successful leaders turn conversations toward the future, not the past. Spend most of your time:
- Describing the preferred future.
- Exploring options.
- Choosing a path forward.
3 steps to control:
- Make a list of everything necessary to move the ball forward.
- Eliminate everything on the list that’s outside your control.
- Take action on what’s left.
Exception to the rule:
Don’t honor people who want to tear down what you’re building.
How might leaders deal with the “bad” effectively?
To the point; spot on. Our tendency to want to ‘fix’ is concisely addressed in this nugget. I’ve had to consciously fight this tendency for years and strongly desire this to be reflex instead. This metaphor may help.
Thanks Nick. I think we are born fixers. It takes discipline to control our urge to quickly fix.
In our/my efforts to encourage, I may be shifting the monkey to me! Wow! I am a problem solver by nature, so the questions were good to help me redirect and keep the monkey where it belongs! Empowering for the monkey owner too! Loved the accompanying picture. It really says it all.
Thanks Vicki. Yes. I think it is in our nature to solve problems for people. Maybe it’s one of those expressions of compassion that really isn’t as helpful as we believe. Thanks for the good word
There are leaders who say you just have to put up with behavior that is arrogant and against policy (basically just unkind in a service oriented environment..hospital/elder care facility)…I left with the monkey on my back but it was not mine to hold on to. In other words, this was dragging the moral down and causing a dark cloud in the business place that did not have to be.
Thanks Christa-Ann. Leaders sometimes tolerate negative behaviors because the people involved are delivering results. They don’t consider the impact of tolerating bad behaviors on the people who are trying to do a great job.
Taking care of poor performers has to start with the people who have authority to intervene.
Couldn’t agree more. For sure, we’ve all encountered someone who wants us to make things easier for them. But I think, instead of just immediately helping them it’s best to let them do things on their own- find out how it happened, what they can do, how can they prevent it. At the end of the day, they’ll be more thankful to us.
Thanks Wellington. I think part of the skill is staying close and being available without jumping in. It’s important that we don’t pull away and seem unconcerned.
Great post. Todd Whitaker recently wrote a book called Shifting the Monkey that discusses how leaders too often try to “fix the problem” as opposed to building capacity in people.
Thanks Jay. Love the concept of building capacity vs fixing problems. Powerful!
Your 3 steps to control is amazing!
I love the taking action on whats left. When we try to control that which is out of our control, it leads to feeling more helpless and frustrated. But taking extreme ownership of things that are in our control gives a sense of empowerment and positivity!
Thank you Dan!
The 3 steps to control are wonderful! Many people struggle with picking up their ball.
Thanks! I’ll implement these steps in my life and help others do the same!
I really like the concept of this article. When things get stressful, it can feel like a lot of complaining is going around the team or office. If you are an employee bringing concerns to your superior, I would be interested to hear other’s thoughts on how to address concerns without becoming “the complainer.” It is important to have a culture that allows for open feedback, but when should you balance giving “too much feedback”?