Seven Ways to Scrape the Bone
This is the twenty-fourth installment of ABC’s for leaders. Today, it’s “X”. I know five “X” words.
Last time I did the ABC’s for leaders, I used Xanadu. It’s 5:00 a.m. My coffee cup is only half empty. I’m not in the mood to write about an idyllic, beautiful place.
Thankfully, a Facebook contributor (7/24/2013) offered a delightfully disgusting “X” word that sent me to The Free Dictionary, xyster.
Xyster: a surgical instrument for scraping bones. Thanks to Rick Thomason for making me queasy this morning.
I’m not sure if having your bones scraped hurts, but it should, if it doesn’t. I’m using xyster for painful repeated frustrations – bone scraping.
The best pains are the ones that come back again and again. They can’t be ignored.
Rule of thumb: If it keeps hurting, listen!
Leprosy includes the loss of sensation. That means you could burn yourself and not know it. Be thankful for repeated frustrations, without them, some of us would burn up before we changed.
Rule of thumb: if it keeps hurting, change something!
The worst thing you can do with repeated frustrations is nothing. The fear things will never change paralyzes. We say things like:
- Just live with it.
- Focus on the good stuff.
- It’s not that big a deal.
- You’ll just make it worse.
Pain says, “Deal with it. Don’t live with it.”
7 ways to scrape the bone:
- Acknowledge and identify repeated frustrations. Bring them up in team meetings, for example.
- Overcome victim thinking and learned helplessness. Tighten your belt and face the darkness.
- Explore new behaviors and options with trusted advisors.
- Tell others you’re working to make things better – accountability.
- Evaluate progress.
- Learn and adapt.
- Start over again. Those who can’t start again, never get there.
How can leaders deal with repeated frustrations?
How can leaders help others deal with repeated frustrations?
Believe it or not, there’s a list of leadership X’s on the Leadership Freak Facebook Page. While you’re there, add leadership Y’s for tomorrow’s post.
Good one, Dan, but man you get up too early…. I think I know what you should focus on when your run through the alphabet gets to the Zzzzzz’s! 🙂
Sometimes people say they are afraid of looking too closely at an issue for fear of opening Pandora’s box. That could potentially happen, but better to open it sooner rather than later because as you say, the worst thing you can do is nothing.
I have two little stories I tell to people that would like bad things to go away by themselves.
1) When kids are afraid of the dark and think there are monsters in the closet or under the bed, we switch the lights on and the monsters are gone.
2) If you keep sweeping problems under the carpet, you will create a bump that will keep growing until someone trips over it… and that will also be a problem!
Hi Paul. Thanks for your comment.
Love the Zzzzz’s comment.. I’m going to go take a nap now! 🙂
I have to tell you what we did when our kids had monsters under their beds. I believed them. I turned the light on, reached under the bed and wrestled those nasty monsters until I got a firm grip on them and then carried them to the toilet and flushed them down!
Just had to share…
Wow! You’re a brave Dad, Dan! I hope your children knighted you for your dragon-slaying protection! 🙂
Figuring out why something keeps hurting is important. Do you keep bumping it? Is there an infection?
Removing a scab hurts, slows down healing and makes the scar worse. Sometimes you need to scrape to the bone, but often you need to let it heal.
I am thinking, why, why leave it to live and re-live and learn the frustrations . I have done it for 10 years wiorking under this directors putting up with appearances. Enough, I have just resigned and I feel much better about it.
Good point… when to pick or when to let it go is important. I suspect that long-term impact is a deciding factor. Cheers
Repeated frustrations are the hardest. Why? We’ve already tried to deal with them and have failed. It’s easier NOT to try than risk failing again.
However, facing a repeated failure is the only way to have a breakthrough moment… a significant change.
Let’s be honest. I can write about this much easier than I can do it.
Thanks for making me face up to the elephant in the room this morning, Dan.
Powerful Dauna and so true. If it’s been hanging around a long time it’s likely the dang thing has kicked our butt, so lets just play dead. Why try.
Time to kick the elephant’s butt… 🙂
It truly is good that we feel pain. What a great indicator of something. Sometimes we push past the pain to beauty, sometimes we use the pain to change, and sometimes, we need to just stop doing that! Started a new job this week and have had the pain of breaking in some muscles underused. So, in a case like that, it is a repeated frustration until adaptation kicks in. haha, I was curious what x was going to be.
Thanks butcheringsaint. YOu bring wonderful observations about the various responses to pain… ONe of my favorites is just stop doing what hurts!! Let’s face it, sometimes we are just being stupid or stubborn or both…
I wondered what X was going to be too!
Well GREAT gifts today from ya Dan!
For me I say if you got pain……do the obvious simple thing….LET GO!!!!!
AA Big Book says most good ideas are simple!!!! Ah-ha!!!!!!
Then if YA wanna look deeper to the cause of your disturbance and like the King of Pop sang, MAKE THAT CHANGE!!!
How starts with deep reflection, reading The Big Book for EGO demolition!!
You hurt because you told yourself a story about who you are, who Gods other kids are and who God is!!!!
Simply, YOU ARE WRONG!!!!!!
Good news God isn’t she knows exactly precisely what she is doing!!
Go with her story, not yours!!!
AA Big Book says “our troubles we think are of our own making”! Then goes on to say a GREATine among many, tho we usually don’t think so!!!!!!!
We thought up the problem but we don’t think so!!!! See how hilarious that is? See why The Buddha is laughing?
It is you not watching bob Chapmans video, it’s the evicted renters who stole my washer dryer and stove when they left my house Monday, you not reading Start with Why!!!! That is my trouble, right?????? Y’all!!!!! Lol
Nope My trouble is what story I am making up about the stuff that happens outside of me! I am a pretty terrible storyteller to ME, how bout you?
Ok number 2 is so tragically wrong got to call that one out!
My suggestion only, follow what Dan says if you wish.
I say instead if tightening your grip….LET GO!!!!! Just a suggestion!!!
And as far as trusted advisers go, good call Dan. Just a suggestion Get an advisor you will obey, not relate to.
I suggest a spiritual dude or dudette. Hope their ideas come out of left field.
Lets say you got a problem with pepper. Your well meaning advisor u relate to only has pepper! He she lovingly shares with u what try got but all they got is more pepper! Metaphorically speaking for the slow thinkers.
Find an advisor from left field to see things from a different perspective not to pat u on the best for trying to believe your made up stories not working out causing u angst!!!!! Lol
Only thing I can do to help others is get my own house in order. That is what the AA book is all about.
I cannot transmit to others what I don’t have.
Have a good one Dan!!!! You took my x word by the way the bone scraper one!!!!!
Off back to NOW !!!
Shifterp back to the present!!!!
Hey Dan u are up early and so are the thumb downers!!!!!!!
Maybe today will be my 10 thumbs down day!!!! Can only hope!!!!!
They are my problem, right??????
Really they are their problem!!!! My ego projections are mine!!!!
You know they got a monster under their bed and how great it would be if they could shine some light on their monster so it would disappear!!!!
You know what Spiritual Master would give what I just shared a thumbs down? So what does that say about the dude or dudette who did?
Guess if that was me I would not comment either.
All I shared is stuff I learned from them!!!!
Makes one wonder about them ole thumb downers, don’t it?
Have a great one Dan.
Back to the Present!!!!
What do you need to let go? 🙂
Sorry for taking you X word…you’ve been coming up with some doozies!
More illusions of my ego, thats what i could give the heave ho, then there is nothing else left but the presence of God. Aaaahhh!!!!! Or OM!!!!
Sometimes those illusions, they don’t go easily cause I won’t let go.
SP back to the present!!!!!
Two thumbs down no comments why!!!
Can I have another????
SP back to the present.
Fantastic. Don’t complain about the pain…. use it.
Thanks Karin… cheers!
I agree that we should listen to repeated frustration. Overlooking can create more problems. I feel repeated frustrations may fall under two category: created by self and created by environment. And both are integral part of our life. I also believe that repeated problem created by environment or circumstances can not be easily controlled but I do feel that self created problems can be controlled or minimized.And the fact is that most of the repeated problems we face are created by us. And eventually we attribute it to external situations. For example, when we do not accept the change needed, we blame others for accepting the change. But the fact is that, we do not want to change. We tend to feel that it is not needed. And over a period of time, we strengthen our inertia for not to change.
So, leaders should become self mastery to deal with repeated frustration first and to try to accept change after evaluations. I think, openness and acceptance are the key to deal with repeated frustrations.
Hey Ajay, those created frustrations in the environment……where is the frustration? In our minds, right? We filter the info from our environment, see something not going like we want it to, feel frustrated when what we decided wasn’t the way we think it ought to be and is still ongoing. In our minds.
So aren’t both categories really the same. Our thinking? You know about ourselves or our environment? Don’t we choose to repeat the thoughts that frustrate us, thus feel frustrated? Who chose those frustrating to us thoughts over and over till we felt frustrated? Waldo?
One category, our thinking? Right?
AA Big Book says fear of economic insecurity will leave us.
Does not say we will get more money. I can have all the money in the world and still feel I do not have enough. The problem is the thought of not enough…………fill in the blank. Choose a different thought, solution, right?
The fear of economic insecurity leaves when I am more God dependant or conscious and less depending on having enough money.
One problem, conscious separation from God, one solution, conscious contact with God, whatever THAT is to me.
Trusting or fearing, no in between! Part of my problem or part of my solution, no in between. My thoughts, my choice, no in between or outside source doing stuff to me.
God either is or she isn’t.
If I turn off the fear of economic insecurity button in my mind by thinking a different thought, doesn’t the problem disappear?
If that is true, then doesn’t every problem I have change when I change my mind about it?
The problem for the alcoholic centers in his mind, not his body or environment. You think Ajay that is true for all of God’s other kids and their minds too?
Back to the Present!
Your insight is great. I enjoyed your post on Toxic Environments from a few weeks back as well.
Your last point about starting over again is paramount. It is so important to finish your starts.
Thanks for the post, Dan. Your comments on frustration led me to look again at a quote on my desk that says, “You never learn if all you do is defend what you know…”
Most often, when I run into repeated frustrations it’s because I have been defending my position in the situation rather than trying to listen and learn. Many of my frustrations can be traced back to me – I get in my own way.
Love your thought – “Be thankful for repeated frustrations,without them some of us would burn up before we changed.” True – very hard to see sometimes – but very true. Thanks!
One question…be specific…which of YOUR frustrations can’t be traced back to you?
Waiting with baited breath cause this answer is gonna be a doozy!!!
SP you know back, to the present
Bingo! Answer = 0
X… Marks the Spot.
The spot where you go, away from your desk, when you need distance from the challenges that sometimes seem insurmountable.
The spot in your mind and in your heart, where you wrestle with how you can overcome tthose challenges.
The spot where you can take a stand, and declare to yourself and others, that this is what you see. This is what you understand. This is what you intend, and this is what you are going to do, today.
The spot where you acknowledge the words of Angela Blanchard, that you “can’t build on broken,” and build instead on the real assets that you and others bring to your work every day.
The spot where the path of yesterday crosses the way to tomorrow. The place of reflection and choice.
The spot where you can pursue the most important “X Word,” eXcellence.
Zactly! or Exactly!
How can leaders deal? Well as the song goes, if you keep doing what you’ve done, you’ll getting what you got. If you keep getting into pain doing the same thing, why do you think things will change…you have to. Sometimes we think, ‘well, a little bit of pain, no big deal…can keep on keepin on….and the next day you get another heapin’ helping o’ pain, yet you think you must persevere,, man up! Hmmm, got some myopic vision difficulties you were not aware of perhaps. Is the pain such that you now have blinders on how long the pain has gone on that you are on auto pilot? Switch to manual!!!
How to help others deal—offer a perspective, wonder with positive regard if there might be an alternative, point out those snazzy emperor’s clothes they are wearing, help take off the collective blinders. A been there, done that perspective sometimes does help, but offer, repeatedly, knowing that a person who is repeatedly frustrated or xystered may be on that autopilot that you once were on…offer to share the pain, once sharing, wonder about options….
Yes yes yes and did I mention yes?????
The Dude Abides. What else would he do, what else would he do!!!!
Imagine if we all just did dat, you know just abided!!!!!!!!!
SP Back to the Present
Great post. (Ouch.) I nominated you for an award on my blog, too. (It goes live in 13 minutes.) By the way, your class on writing blogs that get read was my only education on the matter before I started and it really worked for me. 🙂