The Most Challenging Leadership Skill of All
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The FIVE:
Successful entrepreneurs need *five essential leadership skills:
- Self-Awareness: understanding your motivations, traits, and skills.
- Enterprise Basics: understanding how an enterprise works and what an enterprise needs from it’s leader at each of it’s stages of maturity.
- Relationship Building: forming new relationships and making existing relationships stronger.
- Motivation: Making others passionate about helping you become successful.
- Leading Change: Leading people to willingly change what they already do successfully.
*From, “Startup Leadership.”
Derek believes these five skills do not require any special traits and are within the abilities of anyone who has driving motivation to develop them.
Most challenging:
Your biggest challenge isn’t a tough conversation or an unmotivated employee. Success begins within. The most challenging leadership skill is “Self-Awareness.”
“The difference between success and failure isn’t just tactical, it’s personal.” Derek Lidow
In his own words (1:57):
Facing the challenge:
You think you are something you aren’t. You know who you are in relationship with others not on your own. It’s awkward, but others help you see.
If you’re fortunate, someone will tell you something about yourself that you don’t expect or like.The first time it happens it hurts. Lean in!
Respect those with the love and courage to tell you what they see.
The words you want to push away, pull in. Your toughest change is changing the way you see yourself.
I told a business man with poor organizational skills that the skillful organizer on his team represented his future. His ego didn’t let him hear what I said.
Successful leaders cherish these surprising conversations.
Has someone helped you see yourself? What happened?
How do leaders enhance their self-awareness?
Free excerpt of Startup Leadership.
Follow Derek on twitter. @DerekLidow
Very true!! Love the Derek Lidow quote.
I agree that self-awareness is key. You acquire it by being open and vulnerable and being listened to profoundly. That’s self disclosure. It’s scary, exciting and always rewarding. A nice way to organise this is to meet someone and take it in turns, say half an hour each way. This is cocounselling, coconsulting or co-coaching. Another way is by getting feedback. It’s much easier to hear if you ask for it. I’ve incorporated this in my developmental work. I always ask people at the end of an individual or group session, what did you learn? what was good about the experience (of working with me)? what could I and we do better next time? This seems to work. It’s still very hard to hear feedback when my wife or daughter tell me what I do that annoys them though!
comment – comment 😉 Yess, that would be a great great read for me…
Yes, once my collegeau told me that when I get into the thick of explaining something to someone I get so totally involved that my voice level and the forcefulness automatically increases. I tend to concentrate only on the content and not the way I am delivering it. The person tends to feel intimidated into accepting my opinion rather than just listening to it. Now I consciously practice voice modulation to avoid this from happening again.
My Higher Power and Gods other kids in AA help me see me. Mirrors help too!!
I believe people are more self aware when they develop the pat active of quiet time.
Great stuff today D!!
SP
EA. ps a hammer slammed into the hand brings one to themselves in the moment!!! There are just easier less painful options one could choose!! Hehe
Too many times, leaders are like the king in “The Emperors New Clothes”. We do need those trusted followers that will speak the truth to us so that we may become greater at self-awareness.We all need clarity in what we are doing in our organizatioin, why we are doing it and where we fit in-what is our critical role? I believe self awareness is where it starts.
Dan,
Tough skinned and rigid backbone come to mind 🙂
Leaders need to remember they work for their direct reports. It is not all about making the leader successful. Its about helping the individuals grow and develop as well. When the team is successful, so is its leader.
“The Five” are certainly extremely important. One could argue there are more but, at a high level these five definitely are key. As for self awareness, that is the one that is toughest. Not only is it difficult to hear what needs to be changed in yourself, and to be self aware enough to listen when someone (friend, family, mentor, client, coworker etc.) gives you feedback, it is tough to be honest with yourself. Part of human nature is to think we are “great”. That is in a very small way how you work your way up to leadership. At some point to be truly successful, you have to be totally honest with yourself – hearing what is said and doing self analysis on what can be better – on all levels and in all venues. It is hard to hear “you need to….”. It is harder to be more self aware and honest with yourself to say, “I need to….”
Really good read. Love how to the point your stuff is.
This sounds like a book I should read!!
To know thyself – is the greatest gift we can receive!
I was thinking about the skill of “Motivation: Making others passionate about helping you become successful.” and what became apparent as I look at how I lead is that I strive to make others passionate about helping… ‘me’ directly at times, but abundantly more times I make them passionate about their strengths to become successful *parallel* to me which indirectly causes me to be successful. Take self-centeredness out of your motivation and you’ve accomplished exponentially more.
“The words you want to push away, pull in.” So hard to do. But later perspective may finally show us that those words were true. If we can “pull them in” when first spoken, we can spare ourselves some mistakes.
When it comes to words, my dad always says, “Consider the source.” When those words come from someone whom we admire, someone who has accomplished something we want to accomplish, we need to pull them in and adjust.
I’m not preaching. I’m speaking to myself here.
All the mentoring in the world will not help unless you listen, understand yourself, maximize your strengths and hire for your weaknesses.
Challenged by your words that are truer than I’m willing to admit: “You think you are something you aren’t….The words you want to push away, pull in. Your toughest change is changing the way you see yourself.” Great thought.
One of our managers said, “If you don’t like what is said, it must have hit a nerve (i.e.; there might be some truth in whatever was said).”
Accepting that we all have strengths as well as areas for improvement goes a long way in taking the sting out of others honesty. Growth and personal self development only comes when we allow us to see ourselves through the eyes of others.
I can get defensive initially but then think about it later. Might it be worth checking with your colleague if your “Uncomfortable truth” was heard and had a positive impact?
I was told that a response I gave, though accurate, put someone on the defensive. Now, I consider- Would I rather be right, or maintain the relationship? I am more mindful in tempering my words- whatever the situation or circumstances.
Self Awareness is huge! Great post! Thanks!
#truth My organizational lids are typically not organizational at all…but personal. Would love the book!
This is certainly a challenge. I catch myself thinking defensively when someone criticizes me, yet think offensively, meaning how can I use the comment to advantage, is often the most productive and rewarding response.
Love your blog today! How much truth in the words “Respect those with the love and courage to tell you what they see. ” …. No growth can ever happens without introspection and critical thinking but you can not put value on good-meaning people’s critics; priceless! Sadly, our own insecurities and ego are the ones which don’t allow us to listen the truth and hinder our growth.
Best
I had a Patrol Leader in my Scout Troop ask me Monday how to be a better leader. He said that he doesn’t like to yell, but sometimes he does. We talked a little and I think we found the main source of why he feels like yelling sometimes. I thought it was pretty amazing that a 13 year-old has so much self-awareness that he knew he was making a mistake. It made me think – Do I have that much self-awarenesss in how I lead?
I so agree, it’s often very difficult to hear what other people have to say about you, but you can’t truly know yourself until you understand how you are perceived as well.
Creating an environment where people feel comfortable or “safe” to give you that kind of feedback is key.
Doug, great insights!!! Self awareness………critical!!! It reminds me of the West Point leadership model. My adaptation is to: Know Self….Lead Self……which opens us up to more effectively Lead Others. Have a blessed day, Howie
This concept is really the very basis of all success. It seems very simple but self-awareness takes effort and, sometimes, bravery. Without an understanding of yourself, how could you possibly begin to help someone else?
Thank you! I loved this post and am very interested in reading Mr. Lidow’s book.
Great post – and very relevant for nonprofit leadership too. Many thanks!
Really hit the nail on the head today. Love your blog! As a blossoming leader, I have a hard time internalizing praise and kuddos. I have encountered too many arrogant leaders in my day to risk becoming like them. “Respect those with the love and courage to tell you what they see. ” – Powerful and Honest Truth whether its a strength or a weakness they are pointing to.
Self awareness. So important.
I agree that self awareness is huge! However, that outside opinion needs to be someone of a similar value set. Otherwise, the feedback may reveal things that you are doing right!
Authentic feedback is crucial! Video cameras don’t lie. Great leaders accept feedback and make a change for the better!
Absolutely no argument in what you’re saying but it’s so much harder in reality. I’ve had some of those conversations that at the time were hurtful. After the hurt subsided, I looked at what was said. Sometimes, I still reject the comment as perhaps the spokesperson didn’t know the full picture or context. Other times, comments have caused me to look deep and institute changes. Either way, however, it’s not immediate. And it’s never easy. I guess the important part is that growth does happen.
The more I’ve matured, the more important self-awareness has become. My only regret is that it took me so long to value it. Yet, as I evaluate my past, I can see that I’ve always strived for self-awareness. I now realize how cherished it is.
Of the 5 skills, Leading Change resonates with me. The entrepreneur must embrace change and create a culture that does the same for growth to occur.
Sounds like a great read! So, I’m writing down this goal today as an expression of gratitude, “Thanks, Dan Rockwell, for sending me a copy of “Startup Leadership.” I promise to put it to good use.
It is a challenge to understand your motivation especially when you feel under attack or otherwise misunderstood. I know that I get defensive when my credibility is challenged. I need those closest to me for a reality check and have to be careful about those who support my bad behavior. Thanks.
I completely agree with Mr. Lidow, the 5 traits are something each of us develop with self-motivation and internalization. Strong blog today, thank you.
Love your posts, Dan. I start each and every day by reading your latest.
One of the ways to motivate employees or others is to set up an atmosphere in which the other person would choose to get motivated and all you do is provide resources and mentorship when he/she asks for it.
Has someone helped you see yourself? What happened? My wife always provides feedback to me. If it wasn’t for her, I don’t think I couldn’t have made it this far. I write her suggestions down and try to constantly remind myself to change my behaviors. It really helps.
How do leaders enhance their self-awareness? What really helps me is reading other great leaders such as Zig Ziglar, Jim Rohn, Dave Ramsey, Dan Rockwell and others.
Just as our best customer is the one who complains – giving us the opportunity to give attention to areas we may be overlooking and the opportunity to improve our products, so is receiving feedback as leaders. If and only if we choose to be comfortable in our vulnerability and really hear where the opportunities are to build relationships and create culture.
Love the blog and the 5 skills.
I totally agree! How can we grow if we do not have critical reflection? I do not need to be surrounded by “yes people” that never challenge my thoughts. Leadership becomes stagnate if that environment exists in an organization.
Self-awareness is one of the critical components to emotional intelligence. It’s not just about knowing what we do well, but knowing what we should improve upon. Critical feedback is important in any organization that values improvement, and we should listen to what’s being said in order to lead effectively. Why is self-awareness so important? Because without strong emotional intelligence, our performance at work, our physical health, our mental health, and our relationships can suffer. Great post today and great resource!
Wow! What a condensation of the basics! “What a gifit it is to see your self as others see you.” As Dirty Harry said, “A man has to know his limitations.” 🙂
Enterpreurship told in simple terms
Reading this helped me. It made me think of an opportunity I passed last night to strenghten a relationship with someone on the same leadership team. I had to ask myself why and take a little inventory as to why I avoided them. Got to the core, dealt with it and calling him today.
Love following you on Twitter would live a copy of your book!
The words ‘lean in’ is a great catch phrase to active listening when hearing feedback. Excellent layout of essentials of leadership.
I absolutely agree that self-awareness is the most important and difficult of those five leadership skills. Alas, I wish that self-awareness was a skill that could be acquired. I think that self-knowledge can be acquired, but only by someone who is already self-aware.
Thanks for this! I’ve always felt that leadership was a balance between courage and self-doubt. Self-awareness is the critical piece with each of these. Definitely going to read the book!
I’ll have to look this book up, it’s new to me!
Self-awareness is something that I struggle with as I see myself not where I am, but where I want to be. Yet because I’m not where I want to be (yet) I beat myself up sometimes and it slows me down…but still working.
Self awareness is huge!
It has been a pleasure to read your blog. I wonder how to learn the skill to see your own reflection and help others to reflect on themselves. Can it be facilitated?
“The words you want to push away, pull in. Your toughest change is changing the way you see yourself.”
So true. Looking forward to reading the book.
Most leaders want to develop leadership skills in everyone and understanding that isn’t where everyone wants to be was a very big shift for me. Recognizing my own prejudices about how fast people work and their willingness to change was also an eye opener. Just because people don’t change fast, doesn’t mean they don’t want to change.
I am in the process of transitioning out of the coaching world (10years) and would love to start a new chapter. This book would be awesome! I embrace what’s next!!! I look forward to reading your book.
One of the greatest difficulties with self-awareness is that if you start with an erroneous view of yourself, even is just a little off, it continues to take you further away from where you should be and makes coming back very difficult. Value highly those people who are not only courageous enough to confront your errors in how you view yourself, but also are accurate in viewing themselves. Good stuff on leadership. Thanks.
Self-awareness is KEY! You have to understand how you are perceived among your peers and how this impacts your effectiveness as a leader. “Leaders” who do not have this trait suffer much longer at re-gaining their footing after a downward slide, and some do not regain it at all.
I really like these five areas of focus. They are ones that I’m constantly trying to improve upon.
Self-awareness can be a starting point of a process. It will become a futile pursuit if not coupled with awareness of one’s environment, if one lacks the capacity to empathize or has no desire to change and share.
I just got notice today that I have been accepted into a MEd leadership program, and am looking forward to reading this book to support me on this new adventure.
Congratulations Diane!
For me, self-awareness is huge. For example, I’m forever working on listening skills. I have to pay attention to those queues I know I have that tell me that I’m not listening. I agree that it all starts from within. Lead self, then lead others.
Sometimes the greatest idol we have is our own self image. A difficult idol indeed to tear down.
All great points, and so inspiring that we all have these skills inside of us! Just a matter of “finding” them and employing them in meaningful ways.
Self awareness, learning and change are what makes leadership for me the best part of being a better person. It’s the idea that we never stop learning. The old teacher in me I guess. We have lost or are losing the idea of doing for others. It shows in this “entitlement ” generation. Being able to focus on changing oneself for the better is hard but worthwhile. At task not done by the self-centered.
I recall a retiring manager once telling my co-workers and me that everyone operates at a level they perceive to be their best. The challenge, he said, is for their leaders to help them move beyond that. It was not until I was in that role long afterwards that I truly appreciated his words.
Would love to get this book .. All the way from Saudi Arabia 🙂
Self Awareness is the most challenging of all leadership traits because it is not a static phenomenon and in constant flux. Growth in understanding ourselves can only occur when three critical elements are present: A cadre of trusted people that resonate with you. An “ego” that is put on “hold” and an attitude of receptiveness and willingness to change and adapt. Success will follow you if you follow these simple principles. Easy when accepted, and difficult when ignored such is the path to self-awareness.
Leadership Freak has helped me in my day-to-day dealings with staff and management – thank you. As for self-awareness. . . my ego is growing a calus. Not that I’m not listening to other’s constructive criticism, but it was learning to LISTEN that helped soothe my ego. One of the nicest compliments I have ever received was from an employee that I had to let go. I saw her a few months after she left our company. She said to me, “You were the best boss I ever had. I wish I had listened to your advice when you gave it. Fortunately, now it resonates with me in my current job and I no longer make the same mistakes. Thank you.” Hearing that made me focus more on listening to others and not only my own opinion. Humbling? Yes, but worth every moment.
I love that – “my ego is growing a callous.” Excellent stuff.
Arrgh. I spelled callous wrong. Sorry about that.
Self-awareness and relationship building really resonate with me at this point in my leadership journey. Self-awareness allows me to receive feedback, make honest appraisals and adjustments, and grow in my leadership effectiveness with people. Leadership is all about relationship with people…caring for the people you lead and maximizing their effectiveness. At the end of the day it’s not just about the business that got done, it’s also about how I impacted others for their good and life!
Yes, someone did show me an unflattering part of myself recently, and it hurt a little, but I leaned in and I’m working on it.
If more management and executive leadership did that I think they’d get more respect from their constituents because they’d be showing vulnerability and transparency. We’re all human.
“As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another.” taken from the Bible describes it perfectly! One of the greatest complements I was given in my current company is that I listen to others and take it seriously. Of course one needs to truly access if what is said is really true.
Nevertheless my number one ally is my wife, who is honest with me at all time and over the years I have learnt (still learning:) to hear her instead of living in a bubble of my self-illusion and deceit that I am… this or that.
If you get to see who you truly are, you have a real chance to move from that place to another.
Stay strong!
Interesting metaphor. As Christians, we’ve done a nice job of romanticizing this proverb. I say that because in reality, iron sharpening iron is somewhat of a violent metaphor. Sparks fly and fires could be imminent! Doesn’t mean it’s not necessary though, right? Swords must be sharpened. Very cool.
I’ve heard that what annoys us in others are those traits we find unacceptable in ourselves. So some of the best feedback for me is figuring out why I dislike certain people, and what it is of myself that I see reflected in them…. That gives me insight into those things in my own behaviour that bother me, of which I might otherwise be unaware.
Tomorrow in an annual review I have to give tough feedback to a team member who is not self-aware and these are some great tips for me to reflect upon and/or incorporate.
Randy – I like your idea of giving this person a challenge, but am not sure what that might be. This person tends to not listen, questions other team members where it sounds accusatory instead of information gathering, and seems to be focused on their need to always be right. Do you have any suggestions on what might be a good challenge for me to pose to them?
Hi EJ, Here are a couple of ways you could challenge your team member. You could ask him to listen to you and give you some help with a real issue of yours. (Preferably not too dire or confidential) You could give him instant feedback then when he does and does not listen, or asks you questions, including how it feels and the effect it has on you. Helping others is an important part of ever managers’ job. You could also ask him to seek feedback from three people he works with. He could ask them, what do you think I do well and what do you think I could be better at, why would that be good for me and the organisation? Later, he could tell you what he learned. Could these work? Just a few thoughts. Nick
One of the hardest to hear reality discourses I received from a mentor was very wisely and immediately followed by a challenge that was hard to refuse in the way it was presented. By accomplishing this project, I not only saw the reality of my weakness, but learned some practical steps for improvement. When I have to deliver these unpleasant messages to others, I have tried to think through in advance a practical and attainable way to challenge the recipient with a tangible plan for improvement.
Great thought provoking post. Does gender affect introspection and self awareness? It seems that in general, men tend to exaggerate their leadership skills and women tend to minimize theirs.
Thanks Debra. Glad you brought up gender as part of this conversation. My gut says you’re on the money. (Even though I don’t like being in the “exaggerator” category)
Perhaps another reason why team diversity is so important. Exposing the naked emperor always makes for a better kingdom, don’t you think?
Even better to give the emperor some clothes, if he’ll accept them.
I believe Humility should also be on this list. No one does it alone and those who make it possible for you to get there should be treated with the proper respect and dignity.
Really good topic , much needed for emerging Leaders . Thank you for this
Such phenomenal insight! I think self-awareness is probably the hardest thing you could do as a leader, accepting your imperfections and flaws and accepting others whose strengths outweigh your own.
Self awareness is the most hard reflection process. It is much easier to see what everyone else is missing out, or doing wrong (according to your own beliefs). But tu challenge yourself? this takes a lot of courage. Accept this same comments from someone else, if you do not have self awareness, you will reject this, and response in defense. I belive in selfe awareness.
Great post! again!
This is a tough one, but a great one! Self-awareness is tough because lots of times I already beat myself up too much!
Oh yes, when I was in practicum for coaching, in order to be a good coach you need to be coached. The process of holding up the mirror and letting myself be seen was extremely scary – my inner critic had been beating the crap out of me daily, minute by minute, keeping me stuck – I now have strategies in place for acknowleding the “itty bitty sh**ty” committee. It has been a slow process lifting the veil and being seen. Getting clarity on blind spots was also a process, denial, fear, anxiety all kicks in because we might be self aware we just don’t know what or how to go about the change sometimes – vulnerability sucks in any environment where we don’t feel safety and as leaders we need to recognize that this exists for everyone regardless of the situation. Getting feedback from others and getting specifics on behaviors and the impact of that behavior is essential to any self development regardless of whether you’re a leader or not. The key is we need to check our ego at the door and be ready and willing to listen and accept the feedback, which also translates to not making excuses, defending, etc., and embrace and engage in the journey and hopefully we find a safe place and co-workers, mentors, facilitators, coaches, etc., that are willing to go on the journey with you.
One of my downline leaders is continually tough on me – shedding light on what could be a flaw in my approach with her team. It hurts my feelings at first, but then if I’m willing to look at it, I usually realize she does have a point, and then I do a lot of heavy self-reflecting and soften my tactics, at least with her team. It’s a little bit of a dance, when you promote leaders under you. Giving them space to lead their teams, and not overstepping is tricky!! I have to be careful to realize not everyone leads the way I do, and there is more than one right way to do it.
Dear Dan,
I agree that self awareness and ego are very important aspect to become good leader. Leader should know self before leading others. At the same time, he or she should overcome the natural tendency to develop ego. Once done, most of the qualities will follow. During my master in management program at AIM, Manila, I was engaged into program called self mastery where we went to one place near mountain, and were allowed to engaged into various kind of activities that actually provided us to reflect ourselves. The exercise was very useful in knowing self and others. It was particularly useful since it helped to overcome hesitation, shy and many complex feelings that were only our self created perception that seemed our weaknesses. It actually started transformation process within us.
Leaders enhance their self-awareness through their knowledge, experience, exposure and keeping themselves in shoes of others. I think the most important part in self awareness in experience and right mentor-ship. Those who do not have experience can learn self awareness through the process of mentor-ship.
Pick me, please! 🙂 Although, sometimes I wonder if reading too much isn’t counterproductive and way too scary
Late to the party…glad you referenced ‘lean in’ Dan…that’s huge on so many levels. When our lizard brain (props to Seth Godin) tells us to run away (as long physical safety is not compromised), instead lean into the stress, lean into the uncomfortable, lean into that which you have tended to avoid. The challenge, it seems, as we ‘mature’ we believe we are more aware, more realistically, probably should be more aware of how unaware we actually are….to riff of Aristotle….
This is such a great blog and I agree totally. Self-awareness is 95% of the journey to successful leadership. It’s also something that is absent from ego driven leadership. I know many leaders (term used loosely!) who have limited self awareness and create havoc, stifle results and lose good people. These leaders don’t understand the negative impact they have on people and their confidence. Leadership and entrepreneurship needs intelligence and self awareness to come together to create awesome results. Great blog.
Good afternoon Dan
I remember one of the first times someone shared honestly with me some things I needed to examine about my style. I am self motivated, some would say, ‘a go getter’. I had just been appointed to the position of District Representative with the United Steelworkers of America. The advice I received came from the CEO of the mill where I worked. John and I got to know one another quite well due to a joint effort in designing an Employee College Tuition Reimbursement Program. Johns suggestion was to, ‘tone it down a bit’ when you are teaching or addressing those who do not know you. I never really stopped to think that my self confidence could be mistaken for arrogance, cockiness, or the-ole ‘chip on the shoulder’. It wasn’t long after that I realized John was right. “Thank God for people who can be honest, WITHOUT being brutal”…
Cheers Dan
Fully comprehend that challenge if self awareness. Some people say I’m good at knowing about method but I keep telling them if I could only be that insightful at the moment I’m blowing it.
Most of my learning and self awareness comes after the fact. Sometimes it would be helpful to catch myself in the act and quickly change from judger to learner.
Hi Dan,
Here’s how I see it:
Self -awareness is the key to becoming a great leader.
Self-awareness recognizes the following:
“I need to learn; I don’t know it all” – this is how you get to know the basics of the enterprise. It is humility and desire for knowledge
“I need to collaborate; I can’t do it on my own” – this is how you build relationships. It is an attitude that embodies respect and honesty.
“I need to step outside myself; we won’t move forward unless I understand what makes people tick” – this is how you build motivation. It is caring about what matters most to others.
These are the building blocks to great leadership; who wouldn’t follow such a leader?
Thanks again for a wonderful post!
Gabrielle
“My destination is no longer a place,rather a new way of seeing.” Marcel Proust
Hi Dan
I need to read your book, seriously so please send one this way!
Luke
Hi Cindy (That’s my moms’ name!)
With the clients that you coach, what would you say is the most challenging leadership skill is for them (as a whole)?
Hi Marty, great question. In my experience leaders struggle with many different skills and it depends really, but what I notice the most is that leaders need to give up the need to Rescue, Fix, Solve and Save – leaders tend to think that they need to do it all instead of enabling and leveraging those around them – which translates to trusting in themself and trusting in others – they end up not doing any one thing really well because they have their hands in so many things – which also translates to lack of delegation and the impact is we lose creativity and innovation – so many impacts. Thanks for asking the question, I wish there was a definitive answer, but there isn’t for this topic.
That makes sense, Cindy. I can sometimes relate to that.
Yes. One of mentors once told me not to take things personally. He went on to say that when you take things personally you tend to take a position and when you take a position you tend to shut down the people who are saying the things you most desperately need to hear.
Hello! I love the power and simplicity and challenge of your 5 things. I am so fortunate to coach people around these things, because it is transformational to who they become in the world and as a leader. Thank you for sharing your experiences and yourself!
Cindy Charlton
Thank You Marty for sharing – it sounds like you’ve been on a journey and that you found someone to guide you and support you providing that safety and trust. We all want to be connected, we all want to feel worthy of love and connection and we’re all beautiful, creative, resourceful and whole, but like you said we language ourselves out of worthiness and acceptance and yes sometimes we do need someone to help us language ourselves back into love, grace, joy and gratitude and genuine self care for ourself first then we can do the same for others. Thank You again for trusting this group to share.
I accidentally posted this question on another person’s thread when it was meant for you. 🙂
Hi Cindy (That’s my moms’ name!)
With the clients that you coach, what would you say is the most challenging leadership skill is for them (as a whole)?
Has someone helped me see myself?
The short answer is yes. Before I became a student of Leadership & Personal Development, I was low on life… big time. I didn’t see myself as a worthy individual. I didn’t value myself at all and I can say that it got pretty bad (depression and all, we don’t need to go into the sob story of it all).
I was invited to church with a friend one day. Help kept talking about how cool and real his pastor was. I thought I would give it a shot.
His name is Pastor Dave and he ‘took me under his wing’. At the time I couldn’t fathom why he would want to give me so much of his time and coach and mentor me in leadership. I’m so thankful he did. To me, he saved my life.
After a few months of reading, listening to, and watching all of the leadership and personal development material he gave me, I began to see myself as an individual of worth.
My eyes began to open up to the fact that I’m a prized creation of God and I am very blessed. I thank God that my path crossed with Pastor Dave’s.
How do Leaders enhance their self-awareness?
Coaching and Mentorship. Hands down. I know it may sound odd that you need other people to help you enhance your own ‘SELF’ awareness, but you just don’t look like what you think you look like when you look at yourself through your eyes, plain and simple.
What do you guys think? Dan? Does this make sense or am I missing something here?
Leaders can increase their self-awareness by asking those around them for a 360 degree review. Let those closest to them in their life be brutally honest about what they see.
Would love to read the book
How do leaders enhance their self-awareness? By creating relationships which encourage open communication on raising self-awareness. I feel most people won’t approach a leader to discuss how they can personally improve.
I am learning that the most difficult and productive conversation is from within. Reflections followed by action is easiest when a written commitment is followed through.. by true to thyself
What you say is very true. I was a corporate leader. Now, in my 50’s I decided to change my life to become a struggling entrepreneur, and a struggling photographer. This is life changing, and it has been the period of my life where I have learned the most about myself. If I ever go back to the corporate world, I know I will be a better leader for this experience. Self awareness, relationship building – true relationship building, enterprise knowledge, and a deep faith in myself are some of the things that I have learned in this time
Dan
Great post, thank you.
As a coach I completely agree with you on your point about self awareness.
Everything begins there. As Dan Hammarskjold said “The longest journey of a man (and a woman) is the journey inward”
Sorry
Meant to write Dag Hammarskjold and not Dan
like the quote/advice: ‘Your toughest change is changing the way you see yourself.’ Sounds like the book may have some good insight.
Self-awareness is the hardest part because of the fact that we lie to ourselves most often. The ones who are in a leading position easily misjudge and misuse their power because of this. On the other hand, the ones who are keenly self-aware may go to the other extreme: due to their understanding of their lack of some trait or ability, they easily put themselves into a ‘too humble’-mode, thinking they do not deserve any better.
In the end, the self-aware “no ego” leader it the one who is remembered as the nice one.
Thanks for the consistently helpful posts Dan!
We cannot expect to effectively lead people we do not understand. Similarly we cannot lead ourselves without knowing ourselves. As a young leader, I probably burned the ear of my CEO over the years by regularly asking him countless times: “If you see something I’m doing wrong, or an area I can improve, anything, tell me right away!”. He’s never had a problem confronting me, and despite the many stings, I’ve seen my ability improve. I’ve recently got the guts to start inviting the team I lead to call me out, and even just the willingness to be corrected has fostered a positive team environment and has increased my effectiveness to influence and lead. (Greetings from Cape Town, South Africa.)
Great post Dan! I’ve been reading for a while now, but haven’t posted. The insights in this and many of your other posts help me reflect on myself, and as a young leader, it’s very important to me to be self aware, and understand the impact of my own attitudes and actions on others. Thanks!
I was a young Company officer on a fire department, who treated his people like dirt. I was the officer and this is how they are going to do it and if they didn’t I would scream and yell until they did it my way. I earned this badge now you give me the respect I deserve. My team would go out of there way to ignore me after the work was done. A wise old firefighter pulled me off to the side and asked me “Why are you being such a jerk?” “You need to treat people with respect and let them do their jobs they are not stupid, they do not need you looking over their shoulder all the time and micro-managing them!” I was shocked and did not even realize I was doing that, I can honestly say that I took his advice and it has served me well through-out my career and personal life. I am now a Chief of a small department and I am now mentoring younger officers the same way I was taught many years ago. The small things we do now can pay dividends later for a person’s career and life.
In my position as an Assistant College Basketball Coach, self awareness is ultra important. As coaches we have to admit to ourselves that we are responsible for what happens and continually find ways to get better. Then, and only then, can we talk to the players about “honest self appraisals”. This has to be the toughest thing for young people-admitting mistakes, that they’re not perfect. We try to get them to understand that they only cheat themselves if they can’t do this. To go further, relationships are everything in coaching. For us that’s probably at the top of the list. Without that, there’s no trust, so there’s nothing.
I totally agree but one thing that is most important is your composure..A leader has to face so many situations that are not in his or her favour
I have heard it said that a great leader is someone you would follow into battle. Simple but true. To be an effective leader you must be strong because you are the one choosing the path to the future. I think Jack Welch is a great example of the kind of leadership people can respect.
If “Lean in” (not an expression I’m familiar with!) expresses the same thought that “Any feedback is a gift” then I’m 100% with you ! The “iron fist in a velvet glove”, or “loving boot” are my other favorites.
I’m very appreciative of having had my fair share of feedback packaged in one of these forms – simple but memorable is don’t always aspire to 100% success, 80% is often more than enough and achieving the last 20% can do irreparable damage. (Thank you Mr P Marlow!)
Thanks for the lead on the book Dan. I never thought of selfishness as an attribute of a great leader. But it makes total sense. You have to selfish in the big picture, in your drive to see the organization succeed. You also have to be selfless in how you carry it out day to day. It shows Doug Conant’s “Tough on issues (the selfish part), but caring with people(the selfless part)” to me in a whole new light. Thanks to Mr. Lidow for the insight. I will have to read this book.
Motivation some times comes from the least expected source… and leaders need to be alert to get their motivation pills from where ever they come.
At the core of strong leadership stands the ability to simultaneously know ourselves and yet not be absorbed with ourselves. We tend either to ignore our own reality or become so self-focused that we don’t see others. Self-awareness is that happy land in between. Thanks, Derek for encouraging leaders everywhere to better understand themselves and how they go about the process of leading others.
This sounds like a challenging read. I am working with 3 men who report to me (a woman). They are going through our Next Gen Leader Training and this would be a great asset for us!
Isn’ t it a shame our ego gets in the way.
Knowing oneself in terms of motivations, traits, and skills can be relatively tangible.
Having the ability to confront one’s ego in a calm and sincer way, is I think the real make of a leader.
These five are all important. I live in the world of coming along pastors and congregations that want to thrive and in in the process we use; we essentially focus on these five (with different labels for them) with by far the greatest emphasis on self-awareness and consistency with living out certain values. Self awareness is so difficult because we don’t know what we don’t know and openness to receive feedback from others and how they experience is one of the only ways to expand that awareness; and although feedback may be the breakfast of champions, it doesn’t always taste good while it is goong down.
“How do leaders enhance their self-awareness?”
I believe we can enhance our self-awareness by being aware of others. We need to be aware of how others react to us, really listen to what they mean, not just what they say. Others can be a mirror to ourselves, not reflecting an exact self but reflecting how they see us. I can be aware of my own thoughts and feelings but I also need to be aware of what my coworkers’ reality of me is, whether it is my reality or not.
We are most blind to our own faults. “In the light, only the blind cannot see.” As the Pogo cartoon once said, “We have met the enemy and he is us.”
Yes, Derek, self-awareness is now being seen as the most important skills for leadership. Not before time. The greatest challenge I find is getting leaders and aspiring leaders to recognise that they need to become more self-aware. As you have said all the important traits you mention as being essential and within the abilities of everyone IF they have a “driving motivation to develop them”. In my experience people don’t come to that realisation by themselves, only when they are in relationship with others – for example, a coach or mentor or a team of trusted colleagues. People are always more open to looking at themselves and receiving feedback when it is presented from out of a growth perspective that focuses on strengths first, than out of a deficit framework that tells the person about their faults. Developing self-awareness with the right people becomes an exciting process that empowers and energises.
Great stuff
Dammit, Dan … just when I was about to reach a reasonable height for my “Books I Gotta Read” pile … you just inched it right back up there between this post and your earlier one for “Idea-Driven Organization”.
Self-awareness is key because it involves knowing yourself as others know you and as you know yourself. Only if the leader is aware of these sometimes quite different perceptions, can they address two very important questions:
1) What am I doing that makes someone else see me so differently than I know I am?
2) How do I want to be perceived and what do I do to make that happen?
John
Derek is definitely right about success beginning within. I’ve personally come to realize that the success I want can’t come about without changing how I think – my internal person, so to speak.
That’s not something done in a day, or completed by mouthing off a mantra once in a while, but by a daily commitment to changing oneself. And the problem with that is it’s not glamorous and it takes time we’re generally unwilling to spend.
BTW will it be hard copy or soft?
I agree but I’d add or emphasise another skill – listening. Maybe it’s implicit within some of the other skills but the ability to make someone feel like they’ve been listened to is crucial even if you disagree with what they’ve said. I’ve learnt a lot from leaders who listened and then questioned to help me learn.
What’s made the biggest difference in my leadership journey over the past year was being moved into a new role after about 8 years in call center management. I was asked to lead a technology project, which was very intimidating. There were many days I wanted to crawl under the covers and not come back out, but I learned a lot about myself and God through the process. It was not easy and not always enjoyable, but I wouldn’t go back and change anything because it pushed me out of my comfort zone and help me realize how complacent I’d become. We’re taught to fear fear, but sometimes it’s exactly what we need.
To face the Leadership challenge one has to retain individuality, yet be part of a team, or machine. You have to contribute to the whole by giving the best effort you can, while drawing on the strengths of others. Honest communication and fair deals work. Also doing the right thing and what your gut tells you is right. As the leader you are a main gear that keeps other gears turning. You have to step up to the plate to oil the machine when needed, and others will keep the machine running with their contributions