How Haters and Supporters Produce the Same Results
Compassionate supporters and negative haters often employ similar behaviors that produce the same results.
Haters and supporters:
Haters gossip and backstab in the shadows. But when it’s time to work on improving someone’s performance, they go silent. Haters don’t want to help.
Compassionate supporters avoid conflict and shrink from causing pain. They go silent when it’s time to confront issues and make specific improvements.
Compassionate supporters are no better than haters until they confront tough issues.
Haters and compassionate supporters achieve the same result. Poor performance persists.
Avoiding negative issues prolongs disappointing results.
Compassionate bull crap:
Compassionate supporters are no better than haters. Both limit the potential of others.
Compassionate supporters excuse poor performance by blaming the wrong people. A compassionate supporter might say, “Mary failed because her team didn’t give their best. If her team did their jobs, she would be a success.”
This is a line of compassionate bull crap. Mary’s poor performance will continue until she takes responsibility to bring out the best in her team.
The danger of compassion is defending poor performance.
Misguided compassion prolongs:
- Tension because it waits too long to intervene.
- Weakness because it comforts rather than confronts.
- Poor performance because it holds the wrong people responsible for problems.
When a compassionate supporters explain why someone isn’t performing, they talk about other people on the team. This approach is harmful, not helpful.
Misguided compassion destroys potential.
Excuses:
Excuses and blame justify poor performance.
Compassionate supporters excuse poor performance by pointing out good motives and high effort. “Bob’s trying really hard, it’s not his fault that he’s performing poorly. Others won’t cooperate. He has a good heart, others should cut him a break.”
Unwittingly, an excuse-making supporter produces the same results as a negative hater.
How might leaders navigate tensions between compassion and confrontation?
How might leaders bring out the best in compassionate supporters?
Dan, we use the SLEDGE method…
Speak the truth – Get the issues on the table. Be candid in a healthy manner
Lead and listen – Lead with respect and listen with intent
Examine – Identify and run scenarios on your solutions to rapidly address the issue
Decide – Pick the best option(s)
Get moving – Commit to progress over perfection
Evaluate – Revisit the issue and recommit to continuous improvement
Hit it with a SLEDGE hammer.
Thanks Matt. I love a good acronym!
The pattern is called passive-aggressive; either way, the real issue is buried under tangential bs and active evasion is both the behavior and the internal motivation – it is NOT humane (It only hurts [everyone], it helps NO one, it fosters an inarticulate hostility, and ironically establishes an atmosphere of toxic mistrust and victimization).
It thrives under the current hubris of “emotional intelligence” – equally oxymoronic (inverting the actual meaning of the words ascribed to it).
Therefore, your conclusion is correct … evasion of the relevant issues and true factors can only lead to undesirable results … but it more than disappoints – it perpetuates itself.
Thanks Rubane. When leaders don’t address tough issues, tough issues continue. Model the way, when it comes to speaking the truth with forward-facing optimism.
I think you can show compassion & support without letting people off the hook. Compassion implies understanding not necessarily forgiveness.
There is a fine line between too much and too little compassion and support. Either extreme doesn’t help people.
Speaking the truth, tough love–delivered in a supportive way can help people see reality without getting defensive.
Thanks Paul. I agree. That’s for another post. 🙂
Dan,
I’m with Paul & Matt today, but really love the “SLEDGE” food for thought!
As an ex support worker, I’ve had a fair bit of experience in working in compassionate fields. When a client says they are not able to walk, the answer is not ‘Oh you poor thing’, its ‘I know you can, how about I walk with you’.
Thanks Robynne. What a great approach! Very helpful.