10 Questions That Expose Toxic People
The deadliest person on your team is a high performing toxic person.
Toxic people:
- Brag about using power and manipulation to get what they want out of others.
- Blame you when they offend you. Somehow it’s your fault that they offended you.
- Expect you to help them, but don’t have time to help you.
- Need you to keep secrets. Secrets create toxic environments.
- Interrupt when you’re talking.
- Resent showing honor to ‘underlings’. Toxic bosses expect honor, but seldom give honor.
- Expect special treatment.
- Complain about others. Toxic people seldom have anything good to say about anyone except themselves.
- Put you on your heels. Toxic people make you feel defensive.
- Seldom apologize. Toxic people have lots of expectations for you.
10 questions that expose toxic people:
- What are you learning?
- How many people have you helped earn promotions?
- Tell me about one of your failures.
- What have you learned from failure?
- When was the last time you apologized? What did you say?
- Who have you recently helped? What did you do that was helpful?
- When were you wrong?
- When was the last time you changed your mind?
- What percentage of your time is spent listening? Talking?
- When did you last say thank you?
5 projects for the toxic:
Some are toxic out of ignorance or incompetence.
Projects help those who commit to growth and development.
- Gratitude projects.
- Seeing strength projects. List the top three strengths of everyone on the team, for example.
- Honoring projects. Use the above list as an opportunity to show honor.
- Listening projects. Don’t use the word “I” when listening, for example.
- Helping projects. Show up to help a team member at least once a day.
Humble a toxic person with accountability. Have hope if they respond well.
Tolerance is deadly when it comes to toxicity.
Who do you think is the deadliest person on a team?
How might leaders deal with toxic people?
I wish I understood this a few years ago. Had a supervisor that should have been in some sort of controlled environment. Jail or mental health either one would have been a good idea. He was a top performer at one time but something changed. Everyone knew it but we just had to wait for him to do something real bad for management to do something. One thing I suggest for anyone with such a boss and that is to go into survival mode. Protect yourself (career) and your team. When the toxic person is the leader and it all falls apart that person will blame everything on everyone other them themselves. A toxic person at the top or at the bottom will infect the entire team. It did all end well and the person retired but there was a lot of damage.
Thanks Walt. It’s great to read your story. Thankfully it ended well.
The idea of protect yourself and your team resonates. Document. Use email. Let people know what you’re working on. But whatever you do, don’t pull back or perform poorly to get even. Cheers
I found the questions to expose toxic people interesting. I know one person who can’t apologize, admit they are wrong, nor change his mind. He certainly believes he excells everywhere else. How come as I read this type of thing I am always asking, “Is this me?”
Thanks April. We should acknowledge that we all go through times when we answer the 10 questions like a toxic person. I think the issue is the patterns we see.
It’s better to begin with yourself than to focus on everyone else, as long as we don’t play the woe is me card.
Best wishes for the journey
Deadly/toxic to teams:
1. Different rules apply to one, but not others;
2. A delta between what is said and what is done.
1 exposes sociopaths; 2 exposes passive-aggresssives.
It doesn’t matter what the rationalizations are for the existence of the above conditions …
if it can’t be discussed in a professionally constructive manner, and resolved to remove the conditions, you have a toxic/hostile environment, and
People start leaving, or worse fighting fire with fire (In kind).
They will lose, to the sociopaths and passive aggressive. Destruction (by gaslighting) is their goal.
Thanks Rurbane. So glad to see you. The trap of becoming toxic because others are toxic is a lose lose situation. Sadly, it’s easy to fall into this trap.
Great stuff, Dan! David P. Bugay, Ph.D.
Thanks David.
I think the deadliest person in a team is the person that does all the things you listed, but because they get things done, they get promoted. That sets a precedence throughout the organization.
Thanks Josh. In this case, the most danger person on the team is the leader who tolerates a toxic team member. Well said.
I agree Josh – I keep thinking that there might be some sort of karma and they will stop being promoted, however, they keep moving along. Does that then make it a toxic organization?
It seems to me “complain about others” needs context.
Thanks denpobedy. “Toxic people seldom have anything good to say about anyone except themselves.”
Interesting read and comments. Toxic people take up so much emotional energy. I may need to add a few of your questions into my interview process to make sure we highlight potential issues before bringing someone on board.
I would add to your list of qualities of toxic people: Always right in their own eyes.
How do you get rid of a toxic person no matter what his position?
Recognition is one thing but removal of such a cancer is another.
Cancer is a decent metaphor …
Starve it out …
do not feed it the toxic (glycose) form of nourishment that only it needs (as opposed to the positive oxygen everyone else needs).
Not tolerating this person’s toxic behaviours/words means simply noting such, and moving on – not allowing other organs to be converted (by the dynamic that this individual has introduced to the body/team).
Isolate and starve the tumor … works (almost) every time.
I think the most dangerous–and the most challenging–is when the toxic person a) has a lot of power/authority and b) presents to the governing board as a gentle and appreciative person but operates as a shark behind the scenes.
I call that “sweet up, nasty down” – seen it happen, and the upper management thinks the person is wonderful and can’t understand why team members are unhappy.
Hmmm….my toxic person is my husband! I can see him in every one of these questions and descriptors.
We have a fellow cadet in out unit that does everything on this list and more. Anything we do doesn’t work. We are gonna try these tactics and see if this makes people see his true colors. He Always try to expose me and my friend all the time but never succeeds. Hope this works
Thanks Walt. It’s great to read your story. Thankfully it ended well.