How to Defeat Self-Defeating Behaviors
We all do things that add weight to the journey. We don’t notice until consequences camp in the front yard.
Self-defeating behaviors corrode success even though they seem helpful.
Self-defeating behaviors:
- Strangle your future.
- Suppress potential.
- Frustrate growth.
- Weaken relationships.
- Erode self-confidence.
- Delay achievement.
- Block personal development.
- Prolong frustration.
- Fuel regret.
- Cultivate negativity.
How to defeat self-defeating behaviors:
#1. Face the scary truth:
We put rocks in our own pockets. We don’t intend to add weight to the journey, but we often do.
Writing project:
Ask yourself, what might you be doing to make leading/managing harder? Write down everything that could be true.
Revisit your list tomorrow. What items have the ring of truth? Warning! Your inner critic invents negative behaviors. Cross out items on your list until you’re left with some things to explore further.
#2. Ask friends about self-defeating behaviors:
Your friends see your self-defeating behaviors better than you. Ask three friends for feedback.
- Explain one of your goals. “I want to lead energizing meetings,” for example.
- Ask them to observe the way you lead the next meeting. “What do I do that adds energy to the meeting? What do I do that drains energy?”
- Meet with them immediately after the meeting to record their input. Don’t make promises. Just thank them and explain that you will spend time reflecting on things they noticed.
- Determine one positive behavior you plan to implement. Let your three friends know.
- Make steady progress.
Expand scope:
Face the scary truth in other arenas. Reflect on relationships, family, your children and spouse. Reflect on mental habits, eating habits, emotional patterns.
Note: John David Mann and I wrote a book that enables people to grapple with self-defeating behaviors. It’s being released in about a month, September 19. You can preorder it now on Amazon.
How do we sabotage ourselves even when we have good intentions?
What suggestions do you have to defeat self-sabotage?
The #1 Self-Defeating Behavior That Brings Leaders Down
Stop Punching Yourself in the Face: 13 Self-Defeating Behaviors to Avoid
Self-Sabotaging: Why We Do It and How to Stop the Cycle
A negative self-image leads to self-sabotaging behaviors.
Start by working on your self-image. Write down all the “I am” statements you make about your self such as, “I am terrible at running meeting.”
Examine each statement and make changes as needed. “I am going to learn what I need to do to run great meeting.”
Move from a fixed self-image to a growing/evolving self-image.”
Brilliant. I appreciate your reference to the Growth Mindset, by Carol Dweck.
Another thought–leaders identify and correct the behavioral patterns that stand in the way of people’s growth and development.
Negative behavioral patterns include:
• Acting like a victim
• Consistently disorganized
• Negative self-talk
• Prone to going into excessive details
• Asking the wrong people for advice
• Not listening
• Closed to new ideas
• Unprepared for meetings
You’ve outdone yourself today, Paul. I love me a good list.
Ouch – I immediately felt shocked then guilty to see “prone to going into excessive details” on your list of Negative Behavior Patterns. Then just as quickly I remembered several times how that weakness of mine has interfered with or negatively impacted exactly what I was trying communicate. I can’t get confirmation, buy-in or even reasons why my idea or information is not feasible or valid if the audience tunes me out. Thanks for the reminder to prevent or correct my information overload!
Jackie,
I’ve been there. As a teacher it took me a while to learn the importance of “making your big idea stand out.” On more than one occasion to much detail buried the main idea I was trying to get across.
Love this post! Congratulations on your book! I want to use your feedback picture – is that allowed?
Thanks Sharon. Please feel free to use the images I post.
Yes, congratulations Dan, on The Vagrant. I am excited to read your book – it sounds really interesting. Amazon makes it so easy to purchase, so, thanks for that.
Thank you, Melanie. Enjoy.
Thanks Dan. I like the idea of asking others for feedback on self-defeating behaviours. After all, I guess most of us, if we were fully aware of them ourselves, might try and do something about them! Sometimes, we can’t see what we can’t see.