How Gratitude Shapes Identity
“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues, but the parent of all the others.” Cicero
An ungrateful leader is a staggering contradiction in terms.
Ingrates are unworthy of leadership.
Ingratitude shapes identity:
It’s difficult to imagine a virtuous ingrate.
Ingrates tend toward isolation, anger, and resentment. Relationships with ingrates are strained because a relationship with someone who doesn’t appreciate you is difficult to sustain.
No one aspires to be an ingrate.
No one admires an ingrate.
Can you imagine a happy ingrate?
Gratitude shapes identity:
One of our neighbors is renovating a house up the road. I stopped by to chat and asked if he might have a few empty spackle buckets. He said, “No, but I have three buckets you can have.”
He explained that he buys buckets from a laundromat for two dollars each. I reached for my wallet and said, “I’m not going to take your buckets, but I’ll pay for them.” We had a short discussion that ended with, “I’m not going to take your buckets.”
I enjoy being the giver and resist being the receiver. When you resist gifts, gratitude shrivels because gratefulness begins with receiving.
Our neighbor grabbed the buckets as I left and put them in the back of my truck. Now I have the three humbling-buckets in my garage.
Where pride feels resistance, humility feels thankful.
I plan to return the favor, but if I thought he gave me the buckets to create obligation, I would feel manipulated.
Gratitude humbles because you become a recipient of benefit.
Lack of thankfulness signals naïve self-sufficiency. If you question the power of gratitude to shape identity reflect on the shaping power of ingratitude.
Gratitude expands your soul and enriches those around you.
The ability to receive is essential to successful leadership.
Project: Practice being a grateful recipient today.
How does gratitude/ingratitude shape identity?
Still curious:
The Secret to Magnificent Success
The Simple Shift that Supercharges the Power of Gratitude
Author’s note: I learned how gratitude shapes identity from Robert Emmons, a world recognized gratitude researcher.
Humility and self-reflection strengthen leaders for the battle. Click here to check out, The Vagrant: The Inner Journey of Leadership. It’s a wonderful tool for leaders facing challenges.
Dan, this is something I struggle with too. I have a hard time with people giving me gifts. I also have a hard time with people who complement me. I argue with them. “I’m not really that good at that.” “Thank you for the kind words, but it’s really not a big deal.” Someone once told me that refusing a compliment is offensive to the person giving it. I try to be more gracious now. By the way, have I told you how great your writing is? It is spectacular
John, my writing sucks. 😉 I’m working at it. Like you, I bite my tongue and say thank you. I wonder what it takes to feel good about being complimented? You should write about that.
It depends on the gift. If the gift (or the compliment) seems insincere, it is harder to accept. But if the gift or compliment is heartfelt and shows some thought, it is easier to accept.
Compare “Good job” to “Thanks so much for your work on that report. It was well-written and only required minor edits before I submitted it to upper management before the deadline.” Which would you be more willing to accept as a compliment?
Wonderful, Jennifer. The problem of insincerity is real and hard to conceal. Don’t give insincere compliments or fake gratitude. It damages relationships.
Although, I just remembered that flattery works with the boss even when they think it’s probably insincere. I forget where I read that.
There was a story this morning on NPR discussing the benefits of gratitude and doing nice things for others, specifically research being done by the Big Joy Project- https://ggia.berkeley.edu/bigjoy?
Thanks for extending the conversation. It takes some remarkable mental gymnastics to find something destructive about gratitude.
I recently had a coaching conversation around gratitude and I believe the issue was that the person being coached conflated gratitude with contentment and perhaps as far as complacency. The feeling was that reaching for more, in the form of professional development or ambition, was perceived as being ungrateful. I am still working on this, but interested in your perspective.
Hi Sandra, I’ve mulled over your question and don’t have anything to say at this point. I think you for asking and wish you success with the person you are coaching.
Perhaps the concept of Stewardship might help. Being a steward of what you have been given involves tending and increasing it. If I gave some one the gift of a bike I would be disappointed if the bike lingered in the garage. That would be a waste of my money and interest. But if the person used the bike, even learned so much as to outgrow the bike and trade it in for a new one, I would not be disappointed that they got rid of my gift. I would be thrilled that I gave them something that changed them.
Perhaps part of the question is why does this person work? What is the motivation to work? Would growing their skills only benefit them? Or could they take better care of a family, give more to charity, be more valuable to the employer?
I keep thinking of the Parable of the Talents in the gospel.
I so appreciate you jumping in, Elizabeth. Lovely approach. We could use more stewardship-thinking in organizational life.