Overcoming the Danger of Familiarity
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Words are like a ship’s rudder; they establish and maintain life’s direction.
During dinner with two successful leaders, one the COO of an organization with over 14,000 employees, I noticed the COO spoke with subtle optimism.
He didn’t excitedly jump up and down. He wasn’t blindly filled with bubbly optimism; something that sets me on edge. His temperament and demeanor led me to expect a “darker” outlook but his speech consistently set a positive course. I admire him.
You say things to those you know well that you never say to those you don’t know well. You expose yourself and become vulnerable; that’s healthy. Familiarity, on the other hand, frees you to overlook social protocols and speak in ways that others would interpret as harsh, negative, or ungrateful.
My passion this morning concerns bringing higher levels of positive speech to those we know best. The advantage of familiarity is reality – both good and bad. The disadvantage is we expend our positive speech on those we know least and express our negative speech with those we know best.
A challenge: Treat those you know best as those you know least. For example, once a week a local business leader buys me lunch. It’s unfortunate that the familiarity of his kindness may result in casual, unspoken appreciation on my part. If it was a one-time lunch, forgetting to show appreciation would be out of the question.
Your words matter because they establish and maintain direction. They matter to those you know least. They matter, more importantly, to those you know best.
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What direction do your words establish and maintain for the relationships you enjoy?
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Your post brings to mind the concept of the Emotional Bank Account. We make withdrawals when we ask for someone to pour into us, when we unload on them, when we share the downside of life. We make deposits when we share the joy with them, pour into their lives, listen to their downsides.
One of my responsibilities at work is risk management. I am looking for vulnerabilities in our operations and occasionally need to have difficult conversations with co-workers. But I have learned I need to balance those conversations with conversations about what’s working, what we’re accomplishing, etc.
Hi Scott,
The bank account illustration is a good one. It reminds me to make deposits. I think this idea was first applied to marriages? (Not sure)
Thanks for adding value,
Dan
Scott is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. Read his bio at: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/scott-couchenour
Dan I can’t help but turn this to the personal (for me). Recent experience has taught me that the closer I am to someone the more carefully I should choose my comments.
When someone doesn’t know you well, you have two possible advantages: they will give you the benefit of the doubt, or they don’t rely on you to be constructive and supportive (even if it is criticism) – and yet we operate normally in the reverse of this and treat strangers with more caution than those we are familiar with.
So, late in life i have learnt exactly what you prescribe, treat everyone with the same care and considerations as if you had just met them , what you say is vital to what you give and what you get.
thanks Dan.
Hi Croadie,
I love how you bring your own story and clarity to this idea. Very helpful.
Perhaps one side of this is the closer we are to people the more vulnerable they are to our words. For example, I’m close with my wife and she is vulnerable to my words. If I speak harshly she feels it deeply; not because she is weak – she is a strong person. However, our closeness creates vulnerability.
I’m not suggesting work relationships should be like this but I think there is some level of application.
Best to you,
Dan
Richard Croad is a featured contributor on Leadership Freak. Read his bio at: http://leadershipfreak.wordpress.com/richard-croad
Croadie, I love the last paragraph of your comment.
Excellent reminder. My boss and I have a very close relationship; he describes it as a partnership. That makes it easy for me to vent to him, which, while sometimes healthy, also could eventually change his perception of my attitude. My wife and I have often commented on how people will treat family members far more harshly than they treat complete strangers. This facet of human nature is something that you rightly point out requires attention and management lest it result in negative outcomes on relationships.
Dan, one of the things I enjoy about Leadership Freak is that you talk about some things that we don’t give a lot of thought to and should. There ARE those people I have a more intimate relationship with and we openly share our vulnerabilities. We understand that we’re not having a “chicken little” discussion when our fears are expressed. It’s just a safe place to share and support
My best friend is in a professional position to do a number of nice things for me from time to time (i.e., dinner with his wife and my wife, golf at some nice places, etc.). While he does it because he is a generous person, I have always written him a thank you note after these special events as a way to saying I don’t take for granted your generosity. We’ve been friends for almost 25 years, but to your point, I think it is a small act that supports our relationship that is part of the on-going fiber of our friendship.
Thanks for the reminder.
Jim
Interesting, Dan. One of my concerns with familiarity, is that although it should make us freerer, I frequently find that the opposite is true. Isn’t there an old adage, “Familiarity breeds contempt,” or something like that…
For those I know best, while I am free to be vulnerable and transparent, I can discuss the things that truly bother me about a situation or another person; but I am less likely to be confrontational about their behavior. Then I am upset with myself for not being true to myself. I also find, as you have rightly pointed out that I can “forget” to be grateful, and take our interactions and take them for granted; and none of us like to feel like we are being taken for granted.
For those I don’t know well, sadly I can be more curt and to the point, because I feel less invested in their feelings and reactions. I am looking for their weaknesses to decide how to proceed, and not at all likely to reveal my own. Then I am upset for short-changing them as individuals.
So, we lose in both relationships…
The challenge you issue at the end of your post convicts me. “Treat those you know best as those you know least.” I will make an effort to be more conscious of my own sense of familiarity, and treating people in a more even-handed fashion.
Thanks for bringing it up…
it is really a big challenge to treat some one you know the best as you know the least. As its in human nature when we know somebody & we find trust we become very open in front of them. As much the trust or faith we generate in the person the more Open Book we become for them. I fee it is the very need of us to have somebody that known with whom we can share everything. Its true that we become more vulnerable but that trust of us in them doesn’t stop us to be like.
The danger of familiarity is in knowing and taking for granted & this we all can found in our self. We behave very consciously with an unknown but we completely take it for granted when it comes to our dear once. It happens just because of that familiarity that faith that understanding.
the only advice is that be very careful & clear while going that close to somebody so that one should not regret the closeness afterwards & value relations. at least be trustworthy at your end.
Thanks Dan, wow can i relate to that in my own relationship. Nice to be back
cheers
Richard
That’s a great question. I think one of the things for me is not the words themselves but how I transmit them. I often feel that I have articulated more effectively when writing, but I forget that the things I write are more likely to not be read — the things I say in person will be heard no matter what. Therefore, the challenge for me is to engage the person face to face, even if I have sent them a written message, to make sure they really understand the message I want to convey.
Dear Dan,
My Sincere words establish and maintain my direction to build relationship with others. I think only words are not enough. They can be misleading. I have seen leaders (Manipulators) are experts in creating good words to impress audience but hardly they fulfill their words. I am afraid, that these insincere word can set any direction or impact any one.
I believe familiarily breeds trust. And when you trust someone, you become almost blind. You see only posiitve side of the things and neglect all negative side. I also, think, there is nothing wrong as long as you enjoy that relationship. However, it is necessary to check that trust from time to time whether the intention is right.
Today, one should be careful to share everythings to someone you are familiar with. You need to check the credibility of the person. The person should be reliable. But to share everythig, being reliable is not enough. I think, one need to create trust in relationship. Trust has positive message and has full degree. It means when you trust someone, you trust it irrespective of anything. On the other hand, when someone is reliable, you can rely but gravity is lower than trust. Therefore, to create sustainbale relationship, one need to create trust. And trust comes from selfless intention and pure love.
I liked your comments on the importance of trust in building relationship. It can be with reference to work place environment or personal relations with select friends or society members. I consider like-mindedness and concern for your well-being can be two other factors to build lasting relationships.
Dan,
I’m glad you posted this. I realize your post mostly concerns those we engage with *outside* of family. However, you have articulated so well my own challenges with familiarity — within family.
My new motto is “practice” — practice with the aunt (etc.) who selfishly steps over boundaries — she deserves my personal best, too.
Thanks for your insight / wisdom.
Mia Larson
Gossamer threads are these words/relationships that we collaboratively weave. And perhaps, the more interwoven, though stronger through time and trust, the more sensitive and unwittingly easily damaged.
Double KaChing! Thanks Doc.