How to Get What You Want
The law of consequence says thoughts, attitudes, behaviors, and decisions produce corresponding results.
Apart from the law of consequence,
leadership doesn’t matter.
The law of consequence and getting what you want:
Give what you want.
Four examples of giving what you want.
Young leaders, who want respect from their elders, earn respect by giving it. Elders feel respected when you seek their advice, listen intently, ask intelligent questions, and honor their experience. Give respect if you hope to receive it.
People don’t appreciate you because you don’t appreciate them. The law of consequence indicates the more gratitude you give the more you get. Stop expecting gratitude, give it.
The law of consequence proposes the more you work for them, the more they work for you. “Do as I say,” works with children but is outgrown.
The more you expect, the more they expect. The more you call others to pour out, for example, the more you must pour in.
Three missing links:
You may be thinking, “I show gratitude all the time but don’t get it back.” What’s up with that? The law of consequence is a principle of life not a mathematical formula.
One issue is how not what. Are you showing gratitude the way you want to receive it or the way they enjoy it? Leadership is about them not you.
Manipulation is another roadblock. Fake respect or gratitude, for example, is manipulation. It reeks. The law of consequence cuts both ways. Manipulators will be manipulated.
Grace – giving and receiving what isn’t earned – is the third missing link. Grace supersedes and overthrows the law of consequence.
The law of consequence cannot change the past. Frustrations about the past are about you today, not the past. Nothing you do changes the past. Mistakes, for example, can be corrected but never undone.
How can you apply in your leadership today?
Ooops: After publishing this post, I found another with the exact title: “How to Get What You Want”
Fantastic message. I agree with all this… and mostly, that you have to give first without the expectation of return. It may not come back to you exactly how you want it to… but, I believe in karma… if you don’t get what you want right away, keep giving… and hang in there. Generosity of spirit and action never hurts.
Thanks Karin. I appreciate your emphasis on giving without expecting return. There’s real freedom there. Here’s to a great week.
really good one, Reap as you Sow, is the old saying and stands true in todays time also.
The cool think about sowing is you get more than you plant. One cucumber seed produces many cucumbers. 🙂
awesome message posted . Specially the first one about respect ,
I have experienced this point a lot in my life ………
Thanks srihm. I’m with you. Giving and receiving respect seem to be one of the most obvious and powerful expressions of the law of consequence.
Yes, and… We humans are not dominoes. While our actions do have consequences, and while we can act with good intentions, the 2d “law” we need to observe is the law of UNINTENDED consequences. Every mind is different, every person’s sense- and meaning-making is different. I could think my boss was avoiding me when they ducked into a stairwell, as we approached each other in the office corridor. Or, they might just be a person who prefers the exercise of stairs, over the elevator (a real case story).
Over time, these small differences get amplified through iterations throughout an organization. Suddenly, the small undesired consequence becomes a significant leadership challenge.
To lead effectively requires attending both to the consequences we intended, and especially to the impact and outcomes we never intended. We can’t make our organizarions and people all click like dominoes, but we can (and should) act to influence perception and relationship every day.
I was wondering how to incorporate the idea that you eloquently explained… thanks you
Fantastic post. About children and leadership … the ‘do as I say’, doesn’t work with them either. As I tell my clients, ‘The parenting rule is: It’s not what you tell them. It’s how you tell them, and what they see you doing’.
Great seeing you again Alan. I particularly appreciate the “how” component of your comment. We need to spend more time on how! Have a great week.
Well I like Laws, really like Cause and Effect! Yeah what seems to go in, comes out.
Cannot transmit to others what I do not have. Can’t give others what I do not give myself first.
What I can apply today?
Imagination! Such a wonderful use of the equipment I have been given, don’t ya think?
You may say I am a Dreamer
But I am not the only one
I hope someday you’ll join us
And the world will be as One.
If you want to view paradise(or Paradiso, Dante, google it pretty cool place)
Simply look around you and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Wanta change the world
There is no
Life I know
To compare with
You’ll be Free
If you truly wish to be
It is so cool to involve sight and hearing to experiencing that song. Free on YouTube! Have not seen Willie and Charlie in awhile! Really cool experience watching and hearing that again this morning. You can too if you wanna! Just google YouTube Pure Imagination.
For me my world is EXACTLY how I CHOOSE to see it. Can’t really see how BEING cool with that leaves anything out of Leadership.
If I am not Leading myself to a true understanding of who I am and enjoying the show, what am I really doing? Just messing around! What am I sharing with others if not that? Stewardship of MYSELF for me is Leadership.
So Thumb Downers, DOWN THUMB AWAY! Disagree with me John Lennon and Willy Wonka!!!!!!!!! Go ahead its fine cause it says more about you than me.
By the way Dan, finally discovered within myself why the thumbs down with no commentary spurred my curiosity, my imagination of why that occurs.
With no commentary, there is no Accountability. Accountability is a Leadership characteristic, right? Know what grows in the dark, MOLD!
Now remember Dan before you agree or not, if you agree then you are sending a strong statement to the non commenting thumbs downers that they are not displaying Leadership by not commenting when they hit the thumbs down button with no comment why they did it!
I understand if you abstain cause you might not want to hold the thumbs downers accountable. But, isn’t teaching us, your followers of your blog here in a sense for you to teach us about Leadership? Ain’t that part of why we are here following you each morning?
Maybe then you do want to take a position on how accountability fits into Leadership?
Is Accountability a part of Leadership?
I can only imagine.
The Dude Abides.
Shifterp Back to The Present! Off to change the world inspiring one mind at a time. Start With Why!
The thumbs up/down and also the “rate this” blogs by stars on this page are simply ways for people to express an opinion.
For me, looking at the star rating I receive help me see if I’m getting traction.
In some cases, no accountability frees people to share what they feel. Their opinion is a good as mine.
Having said that, I agree that accountability and responsibility go together.
I don’t expect much responsibility when it comes to giving an opinion… they are what they are.
I’m ok with having people say they like or dislike something without an explanation
Cool and thanks for sharing your opinion.
So you feel you owe others an explanation but don’t feel others are responsible to do the same?
So that sounds like others don’t have to live up to the same code as you?
Not trying to be disagreeable, just trying to understand.
Interesting giving people a break for not doing what I do as opposed to using that as an excuse for not walking what I am talking.
Hope it is ok if we agree to disagree. I do not want to foster and encourage mold growth so for me transparency and accountability is a two way street.
We both play by the same rules I believe trust emerges. Not that way not too sure what is gonna happen but not sure it’s is gonna be good.
Thanks again for your heartfelt and detailed response.
Thanks Scott, I have nothing more to add to what I wrote above. Cheers
Great post that gets to the heart of relationships (which totally impact leadership!) I also think this advice applies to almost everyone everywhere… whether one is a leader, boss, co-worker, parent, teacher, coach, teammate, family member, etc. You get what you give because our actions often speak louder than our words, although words are important too. And as you noted, intentions are a good thing but it often boils down to the “how.”
So glad you boil this down to relationships… Leaders can forget that success is about results and results are about people.
Gratitude and leadership are automatically linked together. It’s interesting to watch how leaders respond to matters of gratitude as they climb the ladder. If you forget to show gratitude when it’s appropriate your people will begin to think you only care about the bottom line as they watch you ignore the important’s of recognizing good or extra effort of your people. If all you care about is results without recognizing talent, quality begins to slide. Then theres the leader who takes all the credit for thier team’s accomplishments. “People simply neeed to know you notice and care about what they do”. Being a leader comes with it’s ‘perks’, yes you can take the heat when things go bad, even if it’s not your fault, you also recieve plenty of accolades, even when all the recocognition and praise should be given elsewhere. No matter what your age or position in life, everyone deserve’s an ‘atta-boy’ for a job well done. “Think of it as an investment in your people, it’ll pay GREAT dividends”!
Thanks Steve… “Investment” what a great word. Returns may not come in when we expect but the habit of gratitude always produces results. Perhaps the most important are the ones in our own hearts. Cheers
Gary Chapman’s book “The 5 Love Languages” speaks exactly to the “missing link” that you describe. Often, we give what WE want to receive the way WE want to receive it. Chapman helps us kind of identify five different types of “love languages” that are as applicable professionally as they are personally.
Thanks for mentioning a potential resource. I think we start out believing that leadership is about people adapting to US… we come to learn that leadership is about adapting to THEM.
Chapman’s book has been very helpful for me, not only in my personal life, but professionally also. Thanks for making the connection!
How to Get What You Want . . . by helping others get what THEY want.
I so believe in that old saw, “what goes around comes around.”
(It’s an old cliche, but cliches don’t get to be old unless they have at least a kernel of truth)
Love your opening sentence! Thanks Scott
The “Law of Consequences” is not so different from Newton’s third law: “For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction.”
However, I would like to make a point. It is my experience and understanding that respect and professional courtesty are necessities, and as such must be given (hence, grace). Holding the position that respect must be earned, in my opinion, is snobbish. Another way of saying it would be: “I don’t have any respect for you, so I will treat you disrespectfully until I one day wake up and believe that somehow you deserve better than that.” Or better yet, since the concept is not descriptive of a position, what if a new employee had the same feeling towards his/her new boss on the first day? In the eyes of the new employee, what have they ever seen the manager do that would “earn” respect? Same concept, just role reversal that shows the audacity of the idea.
As I mentioned, respect and professional courtesy are to be given, and are the basis for existing in a professional environment. However, praise and honor must be earned and given when deserved. I make sure I give respect and courtesy, but I strive for praise and honor in my work and life. There is a huge difference.
Key example of this: My wife always gets my respect, but I choose to praise and honor her. The same applies to work: I always show respect for my coworkers, but I praise and honor those who show success or go beyond the basics.
Thanks John. I suppose there is a difference between giving respect and someone being worthy of respect. In your way of thinking respect can be given first, gracefully, and then unearned?
I wonder if making a distinction between good manners and earning respect is useful. Lets always be courteous. But, respect is earned because of performance, competence, or skill. I don’t think it’s snobbish to say that we earn respect. However, I do think it’s snobbish to think we earn being treated respectfully.
Thank you for poking around this topic.
I believe that not only can it be given when unearned, it needs to be. In general the concept of earning respect is highly arbitrary and often extremely narrow in terms of the action or characteristic that earns such respect. Therefore, I want to make a distinction: respecting the person should be given, but respect for one’s talent, action, or characteristic such as moral fiber or integrity can be earned, but is more likely to proven worthy of such respect.
The principle reason for which I state that respect must be given is simple: we have little to no real knowledge on each person we meet. Therefore, we have little to no real information for which we can base an opinion of the worthiness of respect. Should a janitor and a CEO both be respected? Absolutely. We cannot make an honest judgement about either without truly knowing them. We can show respect for the CEO’s business acumen, whereas the janitor may have none, but both individuals should be respected. There are too many variables. What if the janitor was a highly regarded, successful business person who quit to find a simple, steady job so he/she could spend more time with family?
If a person truly shows that are not worthy of respect, they still need to be shown respect as a person. It goes back to your principle, what you give is what you receive.
Found for me I receive what I perceive.
I have found for me also I Choose to give respect initially. Then over time if it is shown continuing is not prudent I pull back and am more careful.
Plus a person no matter position or title are CEO of themselves, right?
If so I can them allow myself to treat everyone like a CEO.
I do till they show me they are a janitor, metaphorically speaking.
I also make determinations based only on deeds and feet.
Lots and lots of pretenders can learn cool sounding lingo. Flapping gums are cheap.
Folks can’t talk with their feet. Show me, don’t tell me jack.
I just find I am much happier seeing people in the best possible light to start as opposed to knowing people are scum and know them long enough they will prove my theory.
All about how I choose to sort my grey matter to make sense out of what I see happening outside me.
Just the way I choose to sees it.
SP back to the present!
Very good, to the point article. I agree that people first need to know how much YOU care about and appreciate them before they will do the same for you and your company. Thanks so much!
Beautiful!! Leadership is not about creating followers, it’s about creating more leaders! Thank you for your wisdom and insight!
Giving is such a wonderful experience. Thank you for this inspiring post. Came across this lovely thought sometime back and am sharing it here
‘The meaning of life is to find your gift and your purpose is to give it away’.
Excellent Article!! Sharing!!
Lots of food for thought here. In any relationship it is about you AND everybody else. Everyone has there own agenda. Communicating effectively means you need to know what everyone else wants. The basics you mentioned Dan are what everyone wants and needs. When you understand that you create a strong connection. You can support each other and lift each other up.
Well an amazing blog sir and there was a beautiful quote that says
Life is like an echo
You reap what you sow
You take what you give
And what you see in others exists in you
So we gotta be grateful and help without asking in return and see others the way we want them to see us 🙂
And wanted tosay that people dont care how much you know unless they know how much you care
Do unto others as you would have them do to you! Goodness, this blog is so helpful!!! Thank you!!
Nice article. Very good message