A Powerful Path to Influential Connection
Masking weakness keeps people at arms length. Leaders who pretend they do all things well have shallow connections.
I’m put off by insecure braggarts. Leaders without frailties are fakers. But…
Frailties are channels of connection.
I notice how people connect with vulnerability after presentations I give on Social Media. Every country in the world has Leadership Freak readers, EXCEPT, Svalbard, Turkmenistan, Central Africa Republic, and South Sudan.
Participants look at the map (above) and see global reach. I look at the map and see four countries that haven’t been reached. The map illustrates the magnetism of negative thoughts. I can’t take my eyes off those countries.
Someone usually approaches me, after these presentations to say, I think I can help you with Central Africa. I know someone who travels there.
People are drawn to me through my lack. We enjoy meeting a need. Leaders who never reveal need, have weaker connections than those who do.
Competency is a powerful connection point. But, vulnerability and frailty create influential human connection.
Connecting through frailties:
- Include thankfulness. “I’m thankful Leadership Freak enjoys global reach.” That helps people know I’m not just a whiner.
- Include optimism. “Someday, with hard work, every country in the world will have Leadership Freak readers.” When you share frailties, share your hopes, too. If you’re concerned about meeting the numbers, say so. But, move beyond concern to aspiration.
- Complaining isn’t a virtue. When I tell audiences that all I see are four countries without readership, it’s to point out something I struggle with, not to affirm negativity.
- Don’t share personal vulnerabilities that implicate others.
- Share weaknesses when they create connection points, not to invite sympathy. Establish a “we’re in this together” environment.
Added resource: “The Hidden Power of Weakness” (written three weeks after my nearly fatal accident)
How can leaders share weakness, frustration, or vulnerability in ways that establish connection?
I wonder how much of the connection through weakness starts from our craving to show we can make a difference or fix something else’s problem.
Coincidentally, this same tendency brings us to not wanting to show weakness.
Full circle…
Love your circular thinking Crazy. Fascinating.
Love today’s post. Is #4 complete or am I missing something?
I added the word “implicate.” Thanks!
Good words, as always Dan.
How can leaders share weakness, frustration, or vulnerability in ways that establish connection?
Those traits are felt by many to be weaknesses, but hold an important key to our power and connectedness. The best way to cut through this is by being authentic in all situations. We do not/ cannot know the answer to everything. Showing that we are willing to step back, willing to learn and the willingness to celebrate others will bring us all closer together.
A leader must be able to demonstrate their humanity and build relationships with those they lead. Trying to act as if we never have any of those emotions, like frustration, make us seem less than human. Relationship is a two-way street. We give and we get. Our strength is multiplied by our connectedness and allowing each person to shine their most authentic self and use their best gifts for the benefit of all.
Well, could not think of a better endorsement for people to work the 12 Steps. Good show Dan!!! It is all there in a suggested format, reverse engineered, written in past tense.
When crafting a story, the compelling figure is most adored when flawed, aka Superman. Understanding the spiritual being having a human experience thingy we all find ourselves in…….we are all a work in progress.
Anyways, the path of the 12 Steps ROCK…..works 1000% of the time when the simple suggestions are followed. Are generic, able to be adapted to any human ailment for help that starts with the ego. Covers a lot of issues, right?
I read a coulpe of months ago there are over 200 other 12 Step Fellowships. Read somewhere else it was over 50. Whichever!!!!! hehe So the solution it appears works no matter the presenting symptom. No ridiculous empty threats if you do this or do not do that. Or you got to give a % of your income or else, so silly.
You just stay the same living life on self propulsion instead of connecting and living life through your Higher Powers will, whatever you feel you need to call your Higher Power.
It is a beautiful thing Time Magazine said it had the most impact of any movement in the 20th century…not an exact quote but something like that.
I have met very few people who are not touched by addiction in some way. One either is a drunk, gambler, adult child of a drunk, or knows one or has one in their family.
So overcome your contempt prior to investigation and read all about it. Just if you got no identifying issue right now substitute ego everywhere you see alcohol in the 1st 164 pages of the AA Big Book. Free to read on the Internet.
Or just keep doing what you feel is working really great for you.
Ok back to making oxy and working on my story of ME, the flawed hero!!!!
SP
But, but, what if I have no weaknesses?
I wonder if part of the root problem is us being told too often how unique we are. Sure, the combination of our traits and decisions and experiences are unique. But I’d bet there are very few instances in the entirety of our lives where someone else hadn’t experienced the same insecurity or fear of vulnerability before. I’m always surprised how often a fear I express is known by the person I’m talking to at that very instance.
Hey, James if one has no weaknesses..one has no pulse!
In this spiritual being having a human experience, ying/yang dealio, up/down-in/out thingy…..
The tide goes in and out.
And cool thing is what I don’t know what others do. Where i am seemingly weak, others are strong. Forces me to interact and learn and get better and help others. No man is an island. We all need each other. Weakness could be seen as just a chance to get some help from someone else or help someone else.
On the uniqueness front, in reality according to Simon Potter, a dude in the know….you are one of a kind. In the history of mankind never ONE just like you. Never again in the history of mankind, one just like you, but u. Every fiber of your being chosen specifically for you to be the only copy of u ever made and here……wherever here is!!!!
Thing is SO is everyone else!!! All an eachness in the allness of God! Pretty pretty cool!!
Treating Gods other kids in the way suggested in The Rabbis Gift pretty cool suggestion if you want to get along with others in an awesome way.
Anyway thanks for sharing.
SP back to making copies of oxytocin.
Dan, I don’t understand point number four: “Don’t share vulnerabilities that others.” What did you mean by that? I feel like I am missing a word or something that should be obvious but not getting it. I really enjoyed reading this topic. Thanks!
I added the word “implicate.” Thanks!
What about the leaders who are afflicted with a cultural need for machismo? Those are very difficult barriers to break down but those barriers may be hiding a very good manager…if he (or she) will get out of their own way.
Showing vulnerability makes a leader more humane and compassionate, in other words, closer to those followers. The closeness will promote the connections between the leader and the followers.
But I believe the frailties of a leader should only extend to a certain degree, otherwise, it might send out a signal of incompetency.
I’m so impressed you know the countries of the world! I get statistics that tell me about my readership and I think, “I’ve never even heard of that country before. Where the heck IS that country?”
But it IS part of human nature that we just kind of cancel out compliments and replay any negative comments in our heads over and over again. What is that statistic? We need 11 positive statements to override a negative? I think it takes more than that. Some negative comments from someone else will bug me for years.
When we share our failures or our vulnerabilities, it helps others to accept some of their own. I believe it is a sign of leadership strength to share the times we’ve tripped up. It shows others they don’t have to worry about hiding a mistake. They can laugh about it and then grow from it.
For me, one of the greatest “openers” to communication and connection is a self-deprecating sense of humor. It demonstrates vulnerability without the need for sympathy or explicit confession of weakness. It also demonstrates a capability — and willingness, if necessary — to take handle criticism.
Dan – you should feel 25% better than when you penned this post since Svalbard is an archipelago of Norway, so now you are only down to 3 countries with no readers!
Being able to reveal frailties to subordinates demonstrates to them that you know you are not perfect and require their help to succeed. Its similar to asking employees to teach you their jobs so that you understand what they do and why.
Thanks Dan for the fresh and new approach on “seeing” where your words are heard. Don’t forget to include North Korea in your list of 5 (or is it still 4) countries! It’s geographically small but has left a huge political footprint!!
Dan, I think your post about making this all-important connection with staff members is about creating a relationship, and a previous post–the simple but significant smile…with a future in it.
The more we reach out, the more our staff relates; The more we trust, the more our staff relates; the more our staff relates, the more we learn! We, then, can celebrate not closing distance…we celebrate opening a relationship…a connection!
Would connecting through frailties also include apologizing? I’ve been to told not to say sorry as that is a sign of weakness. I think otherwise, saying I’m sorry for…., let’s move forward and aim to….would help to create connections and show leadership at the same time.
Great fresh perspective. #5 – connecting through frailties – is the core of it all. Your people will have passion toward your goals if they know they are part and parcel of the journey. Great post.
Thanks Biz…isn’t it great that when we let people in, they step up and feel a part of something. It’s so obvious that those on the outside – who aren’t included or welcomed in – feel left out…and become disengaged.
Dan, can you explain to me where you showed weakness? Or is the weakness not being able to reach out to others without others assistance? Some how this strikes a cord with my weakness as a leader, since I tend to be so autonomous and as such people are strengthened around me but they do not really unite with me (or is it me who does not unite with them?)….How do I stay close to my values and still walk with others? —I have found you work to be spot on and very helpful in my walk in life. I have recently begun tweeting it and reading it on a regular basis to remind me of where I want to be, but this one sort of confused me. Thanks for your consideration on this. 🙂