When Candor Means They’re a Jerk
Experience shows candor is rare. Ignoring uncomfortable topics and dancing around difficult issues is expected. Candor surprises.
Leaders who push things under the carpet
are nurse maids not leaders.
Candor gone wrong:
Jerks excuse destructive candor by saying, “I’m just being honest.”
Bob Burg says, “Those who take pride in being ‘brutally honest’ are typically more interested in being brutal than they are in being honest.”
Candor is brutality when:
- It takes people by surprise. Institute candor with input, explanation, and training. Unexpected candor is symptomatic of the problem.
- Relationships are distrustful, weak, and manipulative.
- It only flows in one direction. The boss speaks up but everyone else is expected to shut up.
- It’s based on opinion and preference rather than observable behavior and data.
- It’s a weak leader’s way of getting things off their chest.
Bonus: Candor fails when it’s reserved for negative encounters.
Environments go black unless you speak light more than dark. It takes 2.9013 positives to balance 1 negative. Be candid with praise, honor, and recognition.
How to institute candor:
- Tell everyone what you’re doing. Be candid about instituting candor.
- Let others see candor within the leadership team. Model it.
- Be more positive than negative.
- Share information. Everything becomes public unless indicated otherwise. Expose information hoarders.
- Prepare for coach roaches – candor haters. They’re goals are self-preservation, power mongering, and manipulation.
5 Benefits of candor:
- Boldness increases.
- Power struggles decrease.
- Drama declines. Drama is the weak person’s way of feeling important. It depends on misstatement, overstatement, and manipulation.
- Confidence, based on clarity, grows.
- Real connections develop.
Tip: Begin gently, but work persistently.
What are the pros and cons of candor?
How can leaders institute candor?
Excellent. This is such a balancing act. I also find that if you are leader in a position of hierarchial “power,” it’s so vital to choose your words carefully. Yes, tell your truth (I’m huge on that)… but be very deliberate about the words you use.
The other day, I told an up and coming leader in my org, I was concerned he was “treading water.” The message was true and I said them deeply caring about him and looking to help. But…..those words were too strong. He told me “they stung.” We came up with strong action plans and he is swimming forward… but I wish I had found a different way to express my view.
Thanks Karin,
You remind me that a leaders words often have more weight than they think. Great add!
Dan, leadership is best used when it is given in context- in the context of relationship, honesty, about a specific topic or error. If people are taken by surprise, then Bob Burg’s quote is absolutely correct. Either there is something lacking in the relationship, no groudwork or training has been done to try to make correction in the past, or you are just being a jerk and trying to make someone else look bad.
If we are trying to approach a situation, as leaders, in candor, then we must first check out own motives, expected benefits and outcomes. We must ask ourselves who or what do we wish to serve by our candor.
God thoughts, as always.
Thanks for reminding us about context and motivation, Martina.
A simple question like, “Where does this take us,” can be very helpful. You experience shines through in your insights. Thanks again.
Good thoughts, although God thoughts works as well. 🙂
I was going to fix the typo in your comment but enjoyed your follow up so much, I left it. 🙂
Good stuff Dan,
For me the plan is
Trust God
Clean house
Help Others.
On my 29 year AA Medallion it says To Thine Own Self Be True
When I am right with myself I find I am right with others.
If I am brutal with myself, I find I am brutal with others.
Whether I like it or not, aware of the FACT or not, how I treat others is a direct reflection of ME!
Now when understanding how others are acting, when I was a child I reacted.
As a maturing adult with Big Boy Pants on my RESPONSE to outside stimulus is my choice.
Brain researchers have now discovered we have something like a 60 billionth of a second response time! So when something happens, I have a choice to react or respond.
So you mean I have a CHANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!(Dumb and Dumber reference) To choose wisely, YES!
I used to take everything personally cause I was an immature baby. Now with diligent practice I find I can ease my way through most days as an Interested Observer. Interested Observer position ROCKS!
I love watching how people use their grey matter. I watch some react, some respond, some I have no idea what!!!!!!!! Just always fascinating!
Fulghram said Be Aware of Wonder, OK that is one of my choices today.
Remember Truth always goes through 3 stages, if and only if it is true. If not it don’t make it all the way to number 3!
Ridiculed
Violently Opposed
Accepted as self evident
As a maturing adult I am finding not to get as emotionally engaged through that process. Just get to number three and see if it makes better sense than what I was pondering previously.
I have invariably found I have gotten to self evident when at first I did not get IT at all!!!!!!!!
So I just have patience. I understand people to do things. I used to think they did things to me but that had more to do with my deep seated self-centeredness than their intent.
Guy in a bar, friend sits down, says my wife is sleeping with my best friend, Other guy says I won the lottery, 800 million, gonna give you half! Other guys says why did she choose my best friend!!!!!!! hehe
Yeah self obsession is quite fascinating!
Anyway, great interesting post today Dan!
I Concur with my opinion!!!!!!!
Shifterp Back to the Present in Left Field!!!!!!!!
Thanks Scott.
At the beginning of your comment I get a hint of the value of self-compassion. I believe in this concept but the Maine farm boy in me keeps saying self-compassion is for sissies.
Well sissies are Gods kids too right??? Hehe
I grew up a Carolina Blue Ridge Mtn boy and I gave found it true you can take the boy out of the mountains but…..
Take care!
SP back to Now!
Whether I like it or not, aware of the FACT or not, how I treat others is a direct reflection of ME!” Scott – That statement hit me like a ton of bricks. I am slowly learning that I have way more control in how I see things and how I react to them. I actually have all the control within me. How I treat others is a reflection of me. When I am mean spirited, careless, neglectful in relationships I did it as trying to prove a point to the person. Now I know, it was just showing me how mean spirited, careless and disturbed I was. A powerful thought for the day. Thanks…I needed that.
God Bless You!!!!!
It really blows at first!!! You mean I am responsible for my response? I am not a victim? Not even a little?
I have found nope!!!
When I experience others behaving maybe in a way I would not I use that 60 billionth of a second to withhold judgement Chris.
I ponder before engaging emotionally , not always and WOW can family push my motion button to react quick!!!!
Must be like a 30ieth of a billionth of a second!!!!
But I do it Chris cause if I don’t later on I REGRET my emotional reaction.
I try to remember I am The Master of My Emotions…Og Mandino
And Chris remember The Sermon on the Mount!
Emmett Fox wrote a beautiful book with that title. At the end he breaks down The Lords Prayer.
Judge not shal ye be judged. Hit you like a ton of bricks cause it is true. Wonder how many read what I write and got stuck in ridicule???
Getting to self evident pretty cool huh?
So we judge not, we can choose to act as an
Interested Observer. When we judge we do through our prejudices and experience and WE feel the result of the judgement.
Like a Vegan watching me gobble a steak!!!! THEY judge and feel sick I don’t!!! Lol I am loving my steak!!!!
Anyway thanks and hope you keep going over that in your mind and heart.
I am only upset if I am upset-able!!! Guess what happens Chris if you keep your upset button where no one can touch it?
And my reaction or response shows my emotional responsibility aka ability to respond. Maturely or like a big baby??? Remember fat bastard? Hey baby, get up here in my belly!!!!
Don’t be a big baby in fat bastards belly I always say!!!! Ok first time but I promise to repeat it often!!!!! Lol
Take care have a god one!!!
Emmett Fox Rocks you can read a bunch of his stuff free on the Internet. His understanding of The Lords Prayer is awe inspiring!
SP back to the present!
Dear Dan,
I believe that Candor can shake the discriminatory or biased practices gently. I do agree that it needs courage. In most of the organizations, information hoarders, distorter, and manipulator exist and they sail successfully. They sail because of no objection from people and especially top bosses like it. Most of the time, top bosses like it, embrace it and encourage it. The reason is simple, they also get protection by creating similar mindsets of people around them. And these people act as a shield of bosses. So, it is win win situation.
There is cons of candor. When some people surrounded by many dishonest people try to practice candor, problem arises. Those who believe in candor are either sidelined, less valued or badly reflected. And when information hoarders have deep penetration in management, then it becomes very difficult to practice candor. The danger of candor is that when management does not like it, you can not do things easily. So,one has to aware about one’s position and penetration in management.
I strongly believe that practicing candor is top down and leadership approach. They can influence, set example by appreciating candor. But there are instances, where leaders play differently. They show that they encourage candor,but actually they do not. So, leadership action that create trust can instil candor among employees at different level.
Candor is action not word. Leaders should do it. Saying does not carry any meaning without doing.
Thanks Ajay,
I’m delighted you brought up the problem of candor where backbiting, backstabbing, and manipulation are part of the culture.
On one hand if we aren’t careful, attempts at candor become attacks on others. And, as you indicate, when we are forthright, some people manipulate what we say for their own benefit and usually to make us look bad.
In the end, we cannot minimize the importance of candor being practiced and initiated by people at the top.
“Honesty is the best policy” – My Mom taught me this years ago and she was spot on!
Wrapping insincere motives in nobility “I’m just trying to be honest..” is always a red flag in my mind.. I find myself really focusing my self control, I want to come out of the corner swinging back, repaying evil with evil, as it were. I find that constructive confrontation is best, but it must be followed through to a conclusion, and in these situations I can easily short circuit the opportunity by “just wanting to get this overwith..”
Thanks Ken,
I really appreciate the idea that candor isn’t about just getting this overwith… I think we lightly dip into a topic and because it’s uncomfortable, we tend to hurry away from it. Big mistake. Candor includes persistence with kindness. Good call.
Loved this. The correct type of honesty strengthens your school. It’s difficult at first, but you build currency.
Thanks New,
One reason it’s difficult at first is the people at the top fear candor. On the other hand, it’s such a relief to get the truth out when people are prepared to move forward. Best wishes
Thanks new principal. Being honest for the sake of truth, self improvement, and the enhancement of others improves ones stock.
I love this thought: Candor fails when it’s based on opinion and preference rather than observable behavior and data. I once had a boss whose pat answer was “That won’t work!” Unless the idea came from him, it wasn’t gonna happen. As you point out, his weak leadership led him to be highly offensive in the name of candor as he shot holes in things just because he didn’t think this or that was right or because “I’ve been doing this 30 years…”
It’s OK to apply experience and gut feeling to problems that arise. It’s not OK to use experience as carte blanche to promote your own self-interest and influence.
Thanks Justin,
Thats one of my favorites too. Candor should never be an excuse to get your own way. Thats the opposite of candor.
Much appreciate the story.
I agree! Being honest with your employees and leaders is so important to build trust. I recently did a survey that shows that trust is the most important leadership skill for career advancement according to both women and men.
If you cant talk openly about topics, people will see right through the smog. I appreciate you talking about a difficult topic, about speaking about difficult topics!
-Michael Dooley
Leaderdevelopmentblog.com
Thanks Michael,
I don’t know why we think we are fooling people… they see through our fear, politicing, and posturing. The smart ones lose respect. But, other manipulators, seem to be quite comfortable with manipulative bosses. Ugh!
I remind my clients that “honesty without compassion is nothing more than thinly veiled hostility.”
If you are more interested in what you say than how the other person can hear the message and continue in dialogue/ relationship with you, then you are NOT in it for the others personal growth, you ARE in it for your own ego.
KaPow!
I think pointing out the positive to negative ratio is really key to this article as it helps ensure the guidance is not taken out of context. Thanks for putting that in. Is that accuracy to the 4th decimal place real?
Thanks James,
I couldn’t agree more. I see leadership teams that keep focusing on negatives and then they wonder why their environement seems negative. Doh!
The decimal is accurate. But there is more to the story. It actually takes more than 3 to 1 positive to negative when it comes to romance… that’s more like 5 to 1!
I first saw the number in Daniel Pinks book ” To Sell is Human” then I checked it out… the number is a link to the article.
Thanks for all you do for leaders!
One aspect that it often overlooked (IMO) about the + to – feedback ratio is the power of positive reinforcement. First though, let’s be clear that both + and – feedback need to be specific, meaningful, coach-able, and provided in timely fashion (in other words, “good job!” and “atta boy/girl!” do NOT count!)
Positive feedback builds the relationship. The relationship is what allows for candor. If you care for me and my professional growth, and manifest your concern by your specific, meaningful positive feedback, then you’ve built the cred with me to provide critical feedback. I’ll listen raptly to what you have to say, even if it’s hard to hear. More than that, because the relationship has been built, chances are good that I will disclose my own critical feedback before you do (because it’s safe to do so), and will likely be harsher on myself than you will be. Or, I will *ask* for your specific critical feedback because you’ve shown yourself to be a thoughtful, observant person who cares about my growth.
Either way, we both win bigger. And that’s a good thing!
Thanks Missy,
I think the idea that feedback is about more than productivity is powerful… “Positive feedback builds the relationship” KaChing!
Dan, I particularly like the “Begin gently, but work persistently” tip. So many times I have seen people with legitimate and valuable criticism drain all of the passion and enthusiasm out of someone else through so-called candor. Even for people with some degree of self awareness, it can be difficult on either end of that exchange. On the one hand, “How do I deliver these ideas in a supportive way?” and on the other avoid the gorilla brain and accept the content rather than the manner. As always, thanks.
Thanks bimuse,
It is so easy to drain someone enthusiasm…and when we do that, what do we end up with? Thanks for sharing your insights.
In my thirty years of working personally with leaders including Elizabeth Dole and Robert Reich, I find the majority are not “nursemaids” or “jerks.” But many are ignorant, and also afraid of being open and honest. They fear vulnerability and a perceived loss of power, or the embarrassment of revealing that they simply don’t know how to be candid in positive ways.
The competent leaders combine rich awareness, with constructive intentions. They want the flow of candid communication to be two-way. Once, after a very important presentation to key USDOL leadership by a HBS professor, I was leaving the event, when Secretary Reich and his staff happened to come around the corner towards me. Although I was not directly involved in this project, the Secretary stopped and asked me very quietly “how did this go today?” He was being candid, and sincerely wanted the same in return.
Thanks Bruce,
What a great addition to the conversation. How many times have I been sincere but ignorant. I wish sincerity was enough but it’s only the beginning. Cheers
Another great one, Thanks ; O).
Sometimes brutally honest is the only way people will here.
God bless
Kymee
I hate when that happens… 🙂
Honest candor is absolutley nessasary for the sucsessful leader. I agree Dan that those who begin conversation with “I’m going to be totally honest”, generally have negative intentions. If the point of your candor is to bring an individuals inability to deliver to thier attention it must be done so with the intention of building the individual up, NOT tear them down. These converstions should leave your people with clear direction and obtainable goals, that once reached, are acknowledged with praise, “a sincere atta-boy”! Never, never,never, ingage in critisism. If you want to create division and ill feelings in your people that can last a lifetime, simply indulge in a little stinging critisism. These moments are actually great opportunities to show and tell your people you have faith and confidence in them, NOT club them to death with your impressive authority. No one wants to work for an opressive ogor.
Thanks Steve,
I feel your passion and appreciate your insight. Perhaps we could think of this as correcting behavior and encouraging the person.
YOu put a powerfully positive orientation on a challenging topic.
I’ve definitely experienced the “candor as brutality” factor at work, it is a very tough thing to deal with!
So true Eileen. Sometimes we end up hurting ourselves because we can’t get over it. Best wishes
There’s a simple approach to candor (which is essential in leadership). Clarify what you want to be candid about, but do not enter into too many details. Ask people what they heard you saying. Then define what needs to be different and better and ask the recipients of the candor what they can do to contribute to the improvement. There’s no point in candor if they are not going to engage in the candor and the solution.
Thanks Alan,
I appreciate your insight and clarity. Having a solution orientation guides candor… that should be on the “How to institute candor” list.
Candor is a two way street. Only a strong, brave and humble leader can appreciate true candor
Bingo! You added three essential leadership qualities.
A sure sign of a jerk is when they start by saying “don’t take it personally, but…”. Of course I take it personally, I care about my work.
Absolutely