The Pussy Cat Problem
I’ll never forget the day an honest soul said, “I think you like to intimidate people.” I wanted to yell, “No I don’t!”
Stop pretending you’re a pussy cat. You intimidate, even if you don’t intend to.
Successful leaders connect.
You can’t connect with someone you intimidate.
Pussy cats and tigers:
You think you’re a pussy cat. But they think you’re a tiger. You focus on the adjustments you’re making and say, “See how much I adapt to others.” They think about pleasing the boss and meeting expectations.
Intimidation is easy. Connecting, on the other hand, requires wisdom, focus, and humility.
Overcoming unintended intimidation:
- Think of leading as serving.
- Stop saying you’re just one of the boys. Failure to appreciate how others view you is part of the problem.
- Stop congregating in public with other leaders. Walk and talk with “normal” folk. Stop protecting yourself with an entourage.
- Get out more. Isolation is a self-protective excuse. It’s easier for you to stay isolated. Make it normal for people to see the boss.
- Learn how to handle inappropriate topics. “Thanks for bringing that up but I can’t deal with that in public.”
- Reject the pressure to give quick answers to tough questions.
- Show interest and gentle curiosity. But, don’t get too interested. They’ll wonder what you’re after. If you see a picture of the family, ask about it.
- Reach out first. Give yourself extra time when walking from one meeting to another so you can pause and say high.
- Smile for goodness sake. You don’t need to frown to demonstrate importance and power. Just turn the corners of your mouth up. Maintain gravity but frown on frowns.
- Eat in public places. Go to the cafeteria. Constant interruptions are tough but worth it.
You may feel like a pussy cat but they see a tiger.
How can leaders limit unintended intimidation?
It’s easy to overlook the fact that a position (or title) in itself adds a degree of intimidation. I have a continuing conversation with a key leader on my team. Sometimes I want to just “show up” and she reminds me that it will look like someone “escalated” the situation. We need to be aware of the culture in which we work and the messages different contexts carry, as well as how we’re showing up.
Thanks Karin,
You’re hitting on one of the roadblocks to connecting. You can’t just show up because it scares people. As you indicate, it’s a culture thing but it’s also just normal for people to be intimidated if a leader who hasn’t been showing up, just shows up.
Top-down cultures face special challenges in this area. Connecting isn’t important and can be offensive.
Your insights and perspectives are always useful. Thanks
How can leaders limit unintended intimidation?
Dan, one of the ways to limit unintentional intimidation is to do what we should be doing for others. Learn to listen. Check yourself, your heart and your motives.
Listen to what you say, what you do, how you act. Are you walking the walk? Are you micromanaging? Are you helping others be their best selves, or trying to make a mini-me? Are you serving? Do you seek refuge in your title or position when things aren’t going your way?
The second step is to keep people in your life who can call you to accountability. When you aren’t sure of who you are or how you are being perceived, you need someone who can lovingly help you reign yourself in.
Thanks Martina,
The hardest person to see is me. Plus, it is challenging to see yourself as others see you. Your suggestion to keep people in our lives that tell us how we’re being perceived is essential. My problem is, I don’t like to listen to them. They just seem so out of touch! 🙂
What a great topic and I really like the points you made here Dan.
I may add : ‘Acknowledge staff’s efforts i.e. ” Good point”, “I like where you’re going with that idea.”, “That really resonates with me,” and other such types of statements (said authentically and not patronizingly)’.
In my experience recognition of this nature goes a long way to reduce the distance between the leader and others.
Thanks Cinnie,
Great seeing you. What a great add! It’s so much easier to connect with an affirming person. It’s hard to connect with critics. Worse yet, It’s hard to connect with someone who isn’t letting you know how they feel. I think leaders often just remain neutral for protective purposes. Neutrality makes it harder to connect. Affirm more. … powerful.
Dan,
Yesterday we had our monthly informative/update meeting with all employees. After the meeting, one honest employee asked “Why are you always so serious?”. Later in the day during a meeting for a specific project I was asked, “Are you mad?”. Thank you for this post.
Thanks Scott,
I appreciate your transparency. And I know you are a pussy cat! 🙂
As I read your comment, I started thinking about letting people I know I accept and respect them by the look on my face… Now that’s a challenge, not because I don’t respect them, but because I have things on my mind. I don’t have time for that silly stuff.
Great list already Dan!
I would add:
1. Open your door. Nothing intimidates people more than a wall of hate in the form of a closed door (at least if you struggle with being overly intimidating already). This one thing changed me.
2. Don’t abuse privileges. Show up 5 minutes before your team and leave 5 minutes after. Take a normal length lunch. Don’t brag or even so much as mention privileges that you have that they don’t. Especially if you are a former peer.
3. Never, ever, ever, ever shoot down someone’s idea in public. Even if it really is an off the wall, terrible idea. Keep your thoughts to yourself.
Thanks Matt,
Great suggestions. #3 reminds me that holding back is important if I don’t want to intimidate others. Leaders are often quick to speak…and that can intimidate. it trains people to wait for us to speak first.
Excellent packaging this morning, DR. Always “bumped” by your thoughts.
Today’s words remind me especially of the power of actually developing (not pretending to develop) REAL and POSITIVE relationships with the people we serve.
Keep ’em coming, sir.
Thanks for the good word Nelson. Much appreciated. Come back soon.
“Failure to appreciate how others view you is part of the problem.”
I learned this lesson in a very succint way. I’ve always been an intimidating guy but I also thought I was just “one of the guys”. It took a walk-around by my coach to show me how that wasn’t true.
Early in our coaching engagement, my coach asked me to go for a walk. We headed to the cafeteria to grab a coffee. When we returned to my office she asked me if I noticed how people reacted to me. I said I hadn’t. She then pointed out all the people who pushed themselves into the corner of the elevator when I walked in, the people who turned down hallways when I was approaching and the people who “shrank right in front of me”.
She then hit me sqaure between the eyes and said “At best, you’re a rock star. At worst, you’re a self-appointed demigod. In neither case are you practicing intentional leadership.”
After that exercise I started paying a lot more attention to unintended consequences and a whole lot more attention to purposeful, intentional leadership.
KaPow!! Your story says it all. Thanks for your transparency.
Great post, Dan. Reading it brings to mind the aspect of Organisations being a network of conversations and the true ability of a leader is to manage and empower others in the conversational environment.
Shakti
Love your insight Shakti. “Let’s talk” is only powerful and effective if we aren’t intimidating people.
Oops!!!!!!
One of those Completly Backwards thingy’s from Dan once again!!!!!!
One of those things….it ain’t what u don’t know, it is what you know that just ain’t so!!!!! Wake up!!!!! Lol
Ok hear me out before totally discounting what I am laying on ya and you might learn something!!!
Intimidation IS NOT EASY SNEEZY!!!!! And it is based on a lie!!!! Remember Stuart Smalley!!! I am good enough, I am smart enough and dog- gone it, people like me!!!!!
Intimidation is an attempt of one thinking they are above, better, smarter, got more juice Yada, Yada, Yada!!!! Operating under different rules!!!! Somehow DIFFEERENT!!!! Simply in a word, WRONG!!!! Based in fear, lack, stupidity!!!!
On d utter hand…..
Now connecting, whole different ball game altogether Sparky!!!!! Equals with connected whys just chillin!!!! Just going over the agreed upon goals and agreed upon plan! Makin copies!!!
Both understanding neither, better, worse, indifferent, just the same.
Based on love, equality, sameness, truth!!! Understanding in the end we are all just here for a temporary joy ride or horror movie, your choice!!! What u see is what you get!!
Which sounds easier Grasshoppaaaaa????
Intimidating is like trying to fit a square peg in a round hole!!!! It ain’t gonna work cause it DON’T fit in the spiritual being having a human experience genre!!!!
Connecting fits like a glove!! If it fits, you must admit!!!!! See how clever that was!!! Like this is writing itself, imagine that!!!
So intimidating based a lie, that is why it won’t work!!! Not easy like greezy!!!
Connecting, like putting your foot into am old comfy show!!!! Feels so right!!!! Easy, right! Ya feeling the ease????
Wisdom and Humility IS who you really are so STOP trying to listen to the questions of your ego and BE STILL and KNOW!!!!!
We are all just equally Gods kids and anything to the contrary is a flat out lie, period, end of story and stop listening to it!!!! Just a suggestion believe all the wrong stuff if you want to you got that choice!!!! Lol how’s that working for ya, Dr Phil???
Being the REAL authentic, genuine you truly is the easier softer way! Till you have completely taught yourself THAT…..all I got for ya is…..good luck wit dat…..
Have a God Day, whatever that means to you!!!!
I Concur!!!
Shifterp back to Now!! Only place thee is you might try to hang here all day!!! Or not!!!!! Hehe
Thanks Scott, I appreciate your comment and sharing your perspective.
Well Dan, just my opinion based on my experience. Appreciate your appreciation.
More importantly though, what I would really like to know is how do you feel about how I see intimidation and connecting?
Do you agree the base of intimidation is fear and the long term result of operating out of fear is short term?
How do you feel about the base of connecting is love? What is the long term potential of connecting?
Do you still feel intimidating is easy? Do you see that it eventually won’t work so it only seems easier?
Anyways everything I shared is just my perspective of how I have experienced intimidation and connecting. Not saying I am right or wrong just sharing my perspective and interested in yours, not just appreciation. Did what I shared cause you to see these things differently? You agree, disagree, gritting your teeth?? Hehe
Ok have a great day!! I AM!!
Shifterp back to my present!!
My opinion is those who don’t realize they unintentionally intimidate others lack awareness of themselves and others.They intimidate others without even knowing what they do.
My experience is that I have unintentionally intimidated people. Bosses do this when they break routines and show up in someone’s office unexpectedly, for example.
Scott, sometimes I like what you have to say and somethimes I think your awareness of your ego has something to be desired. I agree about working to stay in the present, understand the spirituality behind it and get the concept of Edging God Out (ego). I continously work on it.
Telling someone to “wakeup!!!” or saying “Hear me out… you might learn something” is essentially a way of putting you foot on someone and sounds very ego driven. As a leader, this type of assault only turns the listening mode off in others. You wrote about Humility but these quotes do not show congruence.
Not trying to start a war here but we all need feedback…
Live the moment…………..
No war needed!! I got to tell ya Shane your response is absolutely delightful!!! Thoughtful, interesting!!! Even parts dead on to boot!!! Ouch!!! See how much better that is than a thumbs down with no response? I do!!!!
If I say something loudly with a twinge of humor that is just the way I do.
I deeply appreciate your willingness to offer your opinion and it is deeply appreciated.
One thing I have always tried to do is look at info for its truthfulness, its principle, not so much it’s personality.
So no matter how it comes out….is it TRUE???
So you did not fall madly in love with my choice of approach….cool. What about its accuracy??? If you can look past my pompous delivery any if it get you to scratch your head?
That is all I really care about. Did you see intimidation is an idiots lame attempt at getting their way and will not work long term? Personally I think lame intimidators need to be called out for their stupidity.
Quiet folks who just get along are condoning this behavior. Not me, you can be assured Shane you would never have to wonder how I feel.
Also if I like to jump up and down and scream AND LIGHTEN UP that is one if the ways others get my attention.
One other thing just to ponder in a friendly way. Plus again I cannot thank you enough for your thoughtful response!!! Really rocked!!!!
If I was in a super market and a wild eyed dude was screaming fat people are tall stupid idiots!!!
I am shortish, cutish and not over weight!!! Dont really think i am an idiot either but that maybe open for interpretation. If I heard that dude I would easily assume he was not speaking about me, to me, right? Right! Only would bother me if I felt a twinge of truth in his rant!!!! Right?
So if I share with a stern hand the only folks who react strongly are the ones who KNOW I am speaking directly to them.
So if you are aware and do not need to wake up then wouldn’t you agree the slumbering would benefit from a little wakey wakey??? Hehe
And I know the shock value might turn some away but if they did happen to read on MIGHT they learn something?
I can’t tell ya how many times I started reading something with a shocking title I did not like but continued anyway and was fascinated by what I learned!! You?
Dan sometimes has shocking titles to his posts and I believe in every fiber of my being he writes stuff he knows is ridiculous to stir conversation. He is a smart guy. Funny thing is some folks don’t seem to get he is baiting them, you ever notice that?? Lol
Anyways thanks again and I encourage anytime I seem to be to big for my pants call me out!!!! You absolutely have my sincere permission!! Our brothers keeper and what not!!!
Just for that Shane you are my Hero today!! Thank you.
SP back to Now!!!
Hey Scott, In answering your question of whether your response was accurate, I think Dan was saying that a person’s behavior can come across as intimidating to others and I think you are saying that Dan should not think of himself as an Intimidator. I am not understanding what your beef is with the way he came across… I did not take it that way so I cant answer your question.
I understand that you are trying to bring awareness to others by your candor (see today’s post 🙂 and it would be wonderful if people would “wake up” but very few people would take your comment as a wake-up call. A few may jolt into reality but change for most is a very slow process which is impeded by their ego and its walls plus where they are in life. Those folks will tune you out because their ego cannot handle a jolt. A friend and I have this saying, “all people have is what they bring to the table”, meaning that wherever a person is at in his/her journey that is how they will react to the situation. A different past, new experiences, level of awareness of ego all determine how each individual person will react. A one sized jolt does not fit all.
I hope this does go to your ego, but I do look for your comments because I never know what you are going to say. I see now that your intentions are to market your ideas in ways to help people but your comments can come across as leaching on Dan’s blog to promote your views. I hope I am correct in how I see your intentions because our own intentions are what we think we are putting into the world whereas our actions are what others see we are putting into the world. Matching the two is a skill of a great leader.
Hey, I dont believe in candy-coating things either but in order to achieve the objective of waking people up, we have to meet them on their field and their “table”. We have to decide what is more important, someone learning something new or the satifaction of our own ego when we rant and rave about something we believe in.
Live the moment…..
Shane – well said.
Great post! This is especially relevant in jobs which require a uniform and show your rank or grade like the military. As soon as anyone saw the Admiral or General coming, they ran for the hills or jumped to attention. It was always so comforting when a General or Admiral would say “relax”. It made us all feel like he or she was in “touch” and there was an automatic connection made. Leaders need to do more to connect with people. People want to know you’re human just like them.
Thanks Chris.
You show us that a simple word can break barriers even in environments where superiors are obvious.
Good morning Dan. Many leaders get to where they are because their trek to get there has produced results and self confidence. That confidence in and of itself is a good thing. However, you must continually remind yourself that confidence can come across as cockiness or arrogance. ‘Tone it down a bit’, especially when addressing those who don’t know you. Find ways to include others, make decision making a team effort. Give others a chance to take charge. Potential leaders are everywhere you just gota give them a chance to shine. ‘Cheers’ my friend, it’s been awhile.
Thanks Steve,
What a great list of practical suggestions. Find ways to be inclusive really makes sense if you want to connect. How clear and simple. Love it.
If we fail to take into account the perceptions of other we do ourselves a disservice. Part of being effective is knowing whether what you intend is what is being perceived. Good post. Very thought provoking.
Thanks ENNA,
It helps to see the self-interest side of taking into account the perception of others. The “I don’t care” approach is clearly self-limiting.
Perhaps we don’t consider other’s perceptions because we don’t just want to be who we are… We don’t want to lose ourselves. I’m thinking that not thinking about how others take us is immature and indulgent. Ouch
Very much so…
If you build respect founded in humility, true caring, honesty, and knowledge there will be no room for intimidation, whether intended or percieived.
Thanks Dennis,
One challenge is people who are easily intimidated don’t like to speak up.
This is so one of my problems. It continues to astonish me how many people find me intimidating. Smiling is absolutely the most difficult thing in the world for me. Thank you for the great pointers.
Thanks for your transparency bimuse,
I think misery loves company because your comment makes me feel better. 🙂 Best wishes on the journey.
Dear Dan,
Feeling like pussy cat and being perceived as a tiger is the case of hidden intention. Sometimes, it may be reflected out of perceived judgment and personality as well. When we have hidden intention, our behavior is influenced by it and in our action and interactions, reflection and feelings of perceived tiger comes. Many times, surrounding create perception because of your position. And hence, people tend to fear from you. Over and above, external appearance plays an important role in being felt differently.
So, I believe, leaders can limit unintended behavior by questioning their own behavior. As you have mentioned that it is unintentional, so we need to drill down more to find out our definition of unintentional from others perspective. This approach will definitely help leaders to overcome the traits of unintended intimidation.
Thanks Ajay,
Your comments continue to add interesting angles to these posts. Thanks for adding value.
Here’s one of the nuggets I’m taking with me, “leaders can limit unintended behavior by questioning their own behavior.” The most useful things are simple.
Communication of any type takes effort – reading body language can be like “listening with your eyes.” I get the feeling that intimidators don’t always want to make the effort of communicating so they discourage interaction through their ations.
Thanks Annon,
I’ll confess that sometimes I give off the vibe that I don’t want to be bothered. I suppose that’s a form of intimidation.
Well, in all honesty, your title grabbed me and I HAD to see just what the Pussy Cat Problem was. But what great points! I often wonder if leaders grasp the power of their words, gestures, and interest for those who might be intimidated. The smallest bit of time and interest in them is so valued.This is great guidance. Since I am a “freak” for communications, I liked your response to inappropriate comments so much,I expanded on this in my post, 5 Great Responses to Inappropriate Questions. Thanks for the inspiration and leadership guidance.
So right! Kudos for comments. #1 & #3 are my favs; I’ve been telling my HR team many of the same things for a couple of years. If one believes in “servant leadership” and caries themselves in that manner, they will engender tremendous support from all levels of an organization. And #3; ditch the entourage and walk, talk, and eat with hourly workers. You may be surprised at what you will learn from them.
A very interesting post!
‘Feeling like pussy cat and being perceived as a tiger’ speaks of a disconnect what a leader has with his own people. It also reflects the style of leadership as followed.
I feel that a leader has to be people-oriented and needs to mix up with them to earn good respect. His major role is to inspire people to work better and remain tough with the laggards. A balanced, fair approach is always liked by people. Position apart, the boss has to be a good human first.
You have provided good practical tips to avoid unintended intimidation. These are quite useful to change the office based behavior and even the working [leadership] style. It is always better to appear tension free with a good reflection of smile on your face. People are much more supportive if the boss shows a caring nature and remain transparent in his dealings.
Not sure why I thought you were going to bring up the “Tom and Jerry” cartoon.
In the environments I have been I notice people struggle with #1 and #6. They can’t picture the idea of serving as leading, and they can’t stop themselves from being “answer man(gal)”.
Too many smart people out there thinking they need to know everything.
Thanks Crazy,
Now why didn’t I think of Tom and Jerry. There’s a classic!
I think most of us carry the burden of knowledge. I know I do and I’m always right. 🙂
Thank you Dan
Very valuable and very insightful as usual. I work in a Church organisation and still see leaders not doing these steps. I see senior leaders have close peers as friends that whisper together at meetings, turn up together at meetings and wonder why trust is low
I am constantly learning how my management style impacts my colleagues and still have a lot of work to do ( I’m under construction :), thanks for some more building material.)
Kind regards