10 Power Tips for Dancing with Elephants
The more uncomfortable the conversation the more important it is. The more it matters, the tougher it is.
Weak leaders choose manipulation over honest exchange. Wise leaders choose tough conversation over mediocrity.
Successful leaders address issues others avoid.
Mediocrity is the result of avoidance.
Excellence is a function of confrontation.
The danger of tough conversations is making matters worse. The bigger danger is avoiding them.
Ten power tips for dancing with elephants:
- Describe consequences of ignoring the issue. Does it really matter or are you being a jerk? Perhaps it’s your issue. Let it go.
- Do stuff you enjoy before and after doing stuff you hate. Manage emotions or you’ll end up in the pits.
- Solve the right problem. It’s deeper than, “We didn’t make our numbers.”
- Ask stupid questions and make obvious statements. Assumptions block communication. What’s obvious to you may be obviously wrong to others.
- Serve their best interests. They won’t enjoy it if it’s not good for them. Don’t fixate on your needs; focus on theirs. When their best interests don’t serve organizational interests, it’s time for serious change.
- “Be tough on issues and tender with people,” Doug Conant. Respect, kindness, and courtesy say more about you than they say about others.
- Use “and” not “but.” “And” is inclusive. “But” is an erasure.
- Determine what you won’t say.
- Focus on best solutions. Winning and losing won’t work. The need to be right intensifies antagonism. Defending positions creates enemies. But, exploring options builds alliances.
- Define preferred outcomes by answering six questions.
- What do I really want?
- What’s in the way?
- How do I want them to feel?
- What are my hopes for the relationship?
- How long before things must improve?
- What behaviors – visible actions – express progress.
What makes tough conversations go bad?
What are the elements of a successful tough conversation?
***
Bring a Leadership Freak workshop to your organization.
Dancing with Elephants!
Leaders who avoid tough conversations create mediocre teams and organizations. Learn how to achieve excellence by inviting the “elephant in the room” to dance. This workshop includes group projects, dynamic interactions, powerful stories, and “tragic” humor.
Amazing article Dan! I have found that when I try to prove a point as opposed to solving a problem, it always ends up worse. Focusing on outcome is so important.
Conversations go bad when people stop being honest and open and fall back into “the way things have always been done.” If all parties cannot bring authenticity to the parlay, there is little hope of honest flag about change.
There are so many great quotes in this one article, it’s ridiculous. Thanks, Dan for another great post. — @ronshank
Great post! I’m definitely trying these tips next time I’m in an awkward situation!
Light&Love,
GH
Well another great post Dan!
Living a Spirit Dependant life I know I know they really don’t talk a lot about that but in only a couple of Leadership Books ever written, I get it I read a lot them.
Leaving the God part out of every spiritual being having a human condition potential solution is a baffler!!! Ain’t it????
When determining if a confrontation is due I pray!!!! I know I know dead silence!!!! Lol
The Serenity Prayer God grant me the serenity to chsnge the things I can, accept the things I can’t and the wisdom to know the difference.
Then if I have trained my undisciplined mind to listen for the iniitive thought my Higher Power sends me,I get it and proceed accordingly. Pretty simple really just what it takes to get one to use this method is amazingly difficult. Death to self, self don’t go easy let me tell yas
Now I realize in an ego centric world we are convincing ourselves we are in cause of our spiritual calamity, not knowing who we are, who others are and the whopper who God is, so we look to solve out problems through our ego.
Manipulating, managing, coercing, fearing, begging, cajoling. Whatever! All useless pursuits of genuine change.
I get it I did too till I hit complete and total failure using that Method 29 years ago.
So I empathize with the ego attempters. Try harder today maybe you will hit bottom quicker. My sincerest wish for you.
I also know that will never ever ever work even though at times it appears so.
So God Centered for me is where it is at. The result if working the 12 Steps is a Spiritual Awakening. Works for any spiritual being having a human experience who follows the path honestly.
That is why the first 164 pages of the AA Big Book is written in past tense. Wakey wakey!!!!!!
This is what those guys and gals did, no theory, what they actually did. Now over 300 other 12 Step Fellowhips across the globe doing the same thing.
Doesn’t that cause pause to think those steps are not really a way to help folks stop drinking but a path to a Spiritual life? If not how can they be used with so many other so-called symptoms?
Gettin it Grasshoppaaaa???? Hehe
By the way mediocre Is the result of a plan that delivers mediocracy.
Not sure how avoidance comes into play there. Oh yeah I do cause it don’t!!!! Lol now it can take time if the egos involved in the lousy plan don’t want to look at the results, but happens all the time.
Excellence does follow an honest appraisal of how “we doing?”
That could result from a confrontation I agree with dat.
So tough. Right? 70% of gods kids working in America leave work feeling no one cares about them.
I do
Do you? Answer or avoid what u gonna do? You try to solve the problem with the thinking that created it in the first place? Duh. So is tough cool or not?
Barry Wehmiller does Truly Human Leadership and 72% love their jobs and they make money hand over fist.
You watched Bob Chapmans video? It is FREE. Just cost you your time and useless paradigms is all.
Call me crazy lazy but that seems better, don’t it?
So yeah tough, I been sharing Simon Sinek here for two or three months. Now his Ted Talk is up to the number 2 most watched Ted Talks. I let y’all know months ago so you could have seen it WAY before most of those 11.5 million.
Did ya? Why cause you don’t like me?
I do not take that personal by the way you do not know me so why take what you choose to do personal? That is dumb.
Bottom line 11.5 million watched cause it is GREAT stuff. Still is today and think it is about 30 minutes. Simon Sinek. Understanding People and Business. Free on youtube.
I gave yas the chance to see it WAY before a lot if them what caused u not to? Answer that for u not me.
This Why Movement is gonna be Huge jump on board now and still time to jump early and look like a genius.
Or wait till your friends tell you and under your breath say yeah Scott tried to share this with me but I did not look cause I think he is annoying.
Me being annoying has nothing to do with you denying yourself this wonderful miracle, it just doesn’t.
So tough, how you gonna answer today not learning about something new! Be mad at me? How bout this I ask you a direct question and you don’t answer? That tough enough?
Do I really have to lay it out for you how lame not answering a direct question is? On a blog about Leadership for goodness sakes? That ups the anty of the lame scale right there.
So anyway great post today Dan.
Thanks have a good one
Shifterp Back to the Present
Thumb Downers, time to do what you do.
I enjoyed every bit of this. All of those 10 tips were excellent. Overall, it proved how having guts in a position of leadership is important. Thanks for the inspiration.
Reblogged this on IAm Synt and commented:
Thank you, Dan! True wisdom!
Amen to the statement: “Mediocrity is the result of avoidance!” But I also like the list of things that we should THINK about PRIOR to the necessary confrontation. That makes addressing the issue more effective and we won’t be as likely to tromp on those elephant toes! It’s the issue not the person that we should be addressing (even if it appears that the person is the issue!). Being respectful but firm in stating the problem, coming up with solutions and seeing it through until it is resolved are important keys to success. And it is always good practice to be aware of what needs to be said, how it should be said, and what can be omitted. Unfortunately, we often allow the mediocrity to continue because it’s just so much easier to let it go on than to address the issue.
Terrific post, and such an important topic. The ability to have a difficult conversation is fundamental to any success. Brings to mind my all time favorite leadership book, Fierce Conversations, whose author Susan Scott, asserts, “The conversation IS the relationship.” Wise words that I consider often! Thanks for touching on such a critical topic.
Dan,
Great post. I especially appreciate point #4. I often find myself asking “This may be a dumb question, but I just want to make sure I understand …” to make sure everyone in the room has the same understanding as me. It’s amazing how many people react with a “oh, really, that’s the issue?” after hearing the answer. And just as amazing to me how far off I can be in my understanding of the issue as well. This seems to get everyone focused on the real issue quickly.
Again, thanks for another great post.
Regards,
Rory
Ignoring the issue is not always a good idea because the issue at hand is not going to disappear and would have a dire consequences. Therefore, we should muster courage to face an issue and find a solution for it.
Oh gosh I’m so guilty of assuming that we’re all on the same level or talking about the same problem. Sometimes leaders already have the dots connected; as we develop our teams, we have to allow emerging leaders to hold the pencil…even if they draw a completely different picture!
Thank you for this, I am the person that doesn’t say anything….
I am the one that when I see the elephant in the middle of the room. I would just walk around it…
God bless
Kymee
How true!! Absolutely believe this. Many will step round the elephant for years if necessary rather than confront it – like the concept of inviting the elephant to dance!!
Dan, absolutely great post!! You inspired the following one:
http://www.mguhlin.org/2013/08/scenario-1-confrontations-that-lead-to.html
With appreciation for your leadership every day, every blog post (how do you do it?),
Miguel Guhlin
Around the Corner-MGuhlin.org
http://mguhlin.org
Thank you Dan, your power tips are on the money! For me, I had to dance with my own pink elephant. It was a huge one… I had a difficult childhood with an absent father. This opened up many cans of worms that I had to deal with. The conversations with myself had to be tough ones with challenging choices…
Here’s an excerpt from my book that looks at bringing leadership back home
“I had to accept that a pink elephant was in the room with me. I urgently needed to address the demons that were wreaking havoc in my head. With no point of reference or guidance from any male authority-figure, all I could do was to develop a dream. Slowly, I began to develop a vivid positive picture in my mind of what my future would look like.
As my dream grew, the elephant slowly began to shrink. However, it did not disappear completely; it stubbornly clung on in the inner fringes of my mind, and it would take many years for considerable healing to take place in my heart. Continuous and deliberate learning spurred me on and out of the hovel of desperation. This process pointed me towards opening up to help from other sources. I systematically identified the areas of leadership and growth that I needed to work on. I doggedly pursued the knowledge that was to help me improve on them.”
Thanks. I’m literally sitting down to type some notes for a difficult conversation I need to have with my boss right now and this post has hit the mark.
I would love to see more leaders asking elephants to dance!
Brilliant. Yes. I agree
Great post Dan.
For me, what makes tough conversations go bad is when they are met with denial-
For tough conversations to be successful- both parties to the conversation need to available and open to engaging in the conversation and to listening for understanding.
Thanks
Lori
This is a great post. Absolutely agree with leaning in to the “secret” issue in the room and getting it out there to be settled. What’s to be scared of? Nothing in life evolves or gets better if nobody addresses it.
I work in an atmosphere now where nobody says what they’re really thinking, except to a few people and always differently to other people. I’m one of the few people here whose message is identical no matter who I’m dealing with, and it becomes very frustrating when someone smiles and agrees with me in person (it’s a cultural thing that has NO place in a business setting) but immediately turns and shares what I’ve said as though it’s *bad* and they claim to believe the opposite despite clearly feeling differently before. Makes for a very dysfunctional and toxic work atmosphere.
It shocks people to no end when you’re not afraid to label the elephant, call it out and openly discuss it. People admire AND negatively label me at the same time for it, because they fear what they’re too scared to do themselves. That being said, it can’t be a constant thing…must be dealt in strategic doses.
A bit more on the same topic: There is “an elephant in the room” and how to deal with it. short link: http://wp.me/p2guX2-25
My comment today is for Scott … Scott, please focus on Dan’s mission to help leaders reach higher in 300 words or less. I have enjoyed reading your ideas and perspective (as well as those of others), when I am able to get to the heart of them. Please eliminate preaching and scolding, to add value.
Excellent post today Dan; very timely for me both personally and professionally. Thank you.
I think great leaders are prepared to ask ‘why’ (and persist), much more often than those who are less successful…
Hey, Dan – Karin Hurt in her “Let’s Grow Leaders” blog (thanks for pointing me her way, by the way) used a phrase similar to #6 above – “Be tough on results, gentle on people”. It’s about respect with expectations.
sometimes tricky WHEN and WHERE is optimal to have conversation
Thank you for this Dan, I really enjoy your blog and find it very useful. This inspired me to be honest and frank with my boss about some issues that I found demotivating. I feel better just for being heard.