Five Ways to Confront Bullies
Gary and Ruth Namie in, The Bully at Work, say that 95% of the workforce has seen bullying at work at least once.
Bullying in the office includes, intimidation, withholding information or resources critical to getting jobs done, insulting rumors, intentional sabotage, and purposeful humiliation.
Unconfronted bullying always escalates. Eventually, it negatively impacts social dynamics, productivity, and efficiency.
You may choose to avoid or ignore office drama, but you can’t ignore bullying.
Tolerating bullying endorses it.
Wise leaders intervene to stop bullying.
Don’t let those being bullied deal with on their own.
Bullies thrive in secrecy, shame, and silence. (The Bully at Work)
Confronting bullies:
- Confront bullies in private. Avoid bullying them in public.
- Explain the behavior you see.
- Describe the negative impact. “You embarrassed Bob when you belittled his work in front of the team.”
- Act quickly. Delay makes confrontation more difficult.
- Confront bullies even if you are lower in status. Be willing to bear the consequences of your confrontation, but know it’s the right thing to do.
The temptation to remain silent indicates it’s time to speak up with transparency, candor, toughness, and optimism.
Is it dangerous to confront bullies? Yes. But, the alternative is unacceptable. What if you get in trouble or get fired for confronting a bully? Some things are worth losing your job over. This is one.
Have you seen bullying at work?
How can leaders confront bullies?
I have seen bullies at work, of course.
Best thing I have used in the past and hopefully next time is not buying into it.
Have my own house in order for others to see as an example of a dude that has it together.
Oxytocin flowing through ones veins is attractive. So get plenty of oxytocin flowing through your veins and be attractive.
Of course you won’t be attractive to the terds, but good thing! Remember be as repulsive to those who do not believe what you believe and a magnet to those that do.
Lastly, always say this when it applies. Do not jump in the mudpit with the piggy!!! You both get dirty and the piggy likes it!!!!!
The Dude Abides!
SP back to work!
Thanks Scott. There may be a temptation to engage in bullying behaviors to confront bullies. But, as you say, don’t buy into it.
Well Dan it does not take too much maturity to get it. Think you and I completely agree.
Simon has really helped me view behavior with more nature and less ego.
Been learning a lot from Dr Robert Cialdini about Influence and Persuasion.
Bottom line bullying is an output of energy and if it gets more energy it continues. Why shouldn’t it?
The most mature action and the most effective in having the behavior cease, is not to give it a payoff. Confronting is a payoff for the bully. Ignoring isn’t.
The bully will understand homey don’t play that game and go find someone at their maturity level to play with.
The cool thjng is either way is an interesting situation to watch and observe the way folks act.
In AA we have lots of people and they handle stuff in different ways.
Sponsoring folks for instance. There are drill Sargent types. They get a mental pez by ordering folks around. that is how they believe things work, cool. They attract people to them who feel direction comes from orders. Cool. Just don’t drink.
I am more of a laid back fella. When I sponsor people I just watch and wait. I do it cause after years and years I have found people do pretty much what they want to. When the choices they make cause enough pain they become wiling to listen to how I handled a similar choice. People who believe like me are more attracted to me.
Till they are beaten they are not willing so why waste my breath?
Cool thjng is either drill Sargent or laid back cool dude, both work. Like Simon says hang with people who believe what you believe and you do not have to see people as wrong if they believe different. Just realize hanging with them is not going to be filled with ease and agreement.
One can have the most outrageous understanding or one not at all and the scorecard is always, did ya drink?
Of course then there is the whole different deal of emotional recovery, but for another time.
Anyways with whirling dervishes, best thing to do us let them whirl.
Bullies feel crappy that is why they act like jerks. Do not energize that behavior and they will get bored. None of Gods kids likes to play with themselves, for long!! Hehe
Cya, SP. too more space cause I figure at this late stage this post pretty much run its course!
Dan this is one of the few times I have disagreed in part with one of your blogs. One of your first suggestions to dealing with bullies suggest you do so in private. “In my experience”, when I feel bullied or am in the presence of someone who’s being bullied, “I do not hesitate to call the bully out and find out what their really made of”! Bullies do there buisness’under-cover’. Once the gig is up, most bullies turn out to be ‘wussies’. There is absolutley no place in leadership for intimidation\bullying. And if your organization is suffering from bullying side effects, it’s because no one has stepped up to the plate to stop it. “I’m on deck, did somebody say BATTER UP”? Maybe it’s a Marine thing Dan!!!!!!!
Thanks SGT Steven. Glad you chimed in. One thing we both agree on is if bullying persists in organizations it’s because we let it persist.
I have found that confrontation is not always the best approach to managing — and changing — people who engage in bullying behavior. It’s easier, of course, if the bully is a subordinate because then the behavior can be called.
More often than not, the bully is acting just out of sight of the “playground monitor.” A technique that I have used successfully is through a combination of trust building and validating (of the right things) actions, I maneuver the bully out onto the side of the “playground” where they can be seen. The bullying stops.
The next step is to understand what that person is insecure about (bullies are generally bullies because they are insecure about something) and provide a forum for them to gain that security. This is much more difficult, but I have been successful in this way to merge that former bully back into the community.
Thanks Steven. You blow me away with your comment. Glad you joined in.
I love this comment by Steven. It allows for action that considers the feelings of the bully and the source of (reasons for) the action. Thank you for the insight and for sharing your technique. I feel like it will allow for greater change in circumstance than mere confrontation as it explores the underlying reasons for unacceptable behaviour. It allows for healing on both sides of the bullying equation.
Yes, you should call out bullying behaviour. But keep your cool or pick up later to avoid a heated argument. There are some really good points here and trust is often key. However, from the bully’s point of view your “trust account” is likely to have a whopping great debit so be prepared for the long-haul. Start by finding common ground and make small adjustments in their thinking. Delivering results and building trust as you go.
Absolutely agreed, Martin. And there are simply some for whom this technique will never work in the end. Still, it is worth trying.
I thoroughly document the issues I have with a bully at my work, so I stood up for myself and took the issue immediately to my supervisor. I wrote him up. If the bully continues to belittle me, and act condescending towards me, I have made it explicitly clear that I will not tolerate his behavior and will continue to write him up, even if he is two positions higher than my status at work. You will soon notice that the bully backs off of you because he will avoid you at work. Keep it business-like, and do not leave the door open for him to pounce on you. Because in our new American-Communist work environment in a poor economy, people are learning to stand up for themselves and we are getting very, very angry with the current climate of work conditions.
Thanks for sharing your story Caesarbc. One thing I appreciate about your comment is those little expressions about business-like. I prefer respectful but I think we may mean the same thing.
It’s also useful to remember that things man not work out as we hope. That doesn’t mean we should remain silent, just realistic.
I certainly agree …it also carries out to the floor..production
Sent via the Samsung Galaxy SIII, an AT&T 4G LTE smartphone
Leadership Freak wrote: Dan Rockwell posted: ” Gary and Ruth Namie in, The Bully at Work say that 95% of the workforce has seen bullying at work at least once. Bullying in the office includes, intimidation, withholding information or resources critical to getting jobs done, insulting rumors, intent”
They are wise advices, I wish I have gotten them years ago. Thanks for sharing.
Thanks Yan.
I was surprised to see bullying includes: withholding information or resources critical to getting jobs done…but as I think about it, it makes sense!
Diana
Thanks for pointing this idea out. Glad it was useful.
I highly recommend “The No Asshole Rule: Building a Civilized Workplace and Surviving One That Isn’t” by Robert I. Sutton, which explores this issue in depth. I believe it is a must read for those who lead and supervise people. Thanks for the post, Dan!
Thanks Scott. For those who are interested. Find the No Asshole Rule on Amazon: http://amzn.to/KCH8TZ
I agree with you… I must read that book, “The No Asshole Rule..”
Thanks Rajiv.
Brilliant post Dan. I have experienced the ‘below the radar’ and ‘out front’ bullying at various stages in my career path and believe that tackling in private or out front depends on the circumstances. With public bullying snipes I have found that drawing attention to it with comments like-‘I can’t believe you just said that!’ or ‘argh- that is not acceptable!’ would shame the bully into stopping. Some bullies will respond to a private chat, but I have found hardened bullies sometimes twist your words, so going straight to superiors would nail the behaviour faster. Wish I’d used strategies and read this blog years ago- thank-you for sharing your wisdom Dan.
Hi Dan,
your post bring my memories back. as a HR Manager i seen many management level try to motivate his/her subordinate, but the subordinate cant see with the same angle.
IMO anyone should recognize first, did he/she try to motivated or to bullying?if its a bullying we can try your suggestion. Thank Dan for your suggestion, for me it works at least a set a silver lining between me and my project manager.
Here is my blog in related to your post
http://smilingchapter.wordpress.com/2014/01/12/bullying-first-recognize-it-and-than-stop-it/
Great post Dan, so important today as leadership slowly changes to a more open framework. The old ideas of leadership are still about and a lot of this is powered by bullying.
I am reminded of listening to an opening day speech at my son’s school and a person that offered a story of bullying. This boy was bullied on walking home from school each day until one day he stuck up for himself and gave this bully a good seeing to. The bullying on this boy stopped and the story I think was meant to leave the boys with a lesson of leadership and morality and I was somewhat aghast!
I can only see this idea that violence can be beaten with violence, or bullying with bullying somewhat old fashioned and macho! It also assumes that this bully totally stops bullying. But I feel anyone that thinks this is being somewhat naive. Yes the bullying may stop with this boy that stood up and have the bully a hiding, but it is unlikely that it has stopped the overall behavior.
Bullying is behavior based, to change a behavior takes time and work. It’s like getting a speeding ticket. You stop speeding for a while, then slowly your driving reverts to you standard behavior, perhaps you stop speeding at this place, but rarely I believe do you stop speeding altogether.
Perhaps a better way is to use the tools you have within. Compassion and understanding. There is a reason why people bully. For some it may have become a way of survival as they were bullied at some point in their lives. For others they have learnt this behavior from leaders they had worked under before taking up their own leadership role.
I do like your point No 2. “Explain the behavior you see” as I think this makes a lot of sense and can start to get down to the foundation of why, and what this bullying behavior can do to results.
If we assume we are talking adults here, we should also assume that we can change, but also that people can be afraid of change and change takes work.
Communication has to happen for understanding to grow. We should all take a lesson out or the late Nelson Mandela here and see that even with the bullying he received, he did not offer the same back. He stood his ground within, he kept to his vision and ideology and he perceived. If you do not have the strength to do this alone, share your story with others (as the boy should have done to his parents and teachers). If Mandela’s story was not spread he probably would not have succeeded as he did.
We must communicate, we must share our stories, our hopes and fears in order to learn, understand and change for the better.
Many thanks for the post, glad I bumped into it.
Warmest, Simon.
I recently experienced bullying at work, and after standing up to it (it was from my boss) was promptly fired :'( I agree that bullying behavior operatives mainly, and actually thrives in secret. It was always in private emails that my boss tried to intimidate me, and bully me into submission. The last such email served me with an unlawful written warning, which I exposed to my colleagues and HR. Although the situation cost me my job, I’m glad to know that my former colleagues are now aware of their rights in terms of disciplinary process, and my boss also knows that he could never pull that kind of a stunt again.
During my management phrase, I came to believe that almost all the problems we had with staff we caused by some form of ‘bullying’. Even those who keep things stirred up by promoting the rumor mill did so much psychological damage. As my supervisors and I realized this, it made us take things more seriously and act more decisively.
To the comment of doing the confrontation in private, I think some of reason to do this if the confrontation is coming from leadership it is more appropriate. If someone is doing it personally, there could be support in numbers. Just my thoughts….
It was a medical professor, Gary Becker, at the Univ of PA, who first coined this statement: “Terrorism is the weapon of the weak.” And believe it or not, he wasn’t talking about Al Queda back in 1971, but spousal abuse…both wife and husband abuse. Bullies are, to some degree, about terror and disruption in the workplace for whatever reason–perhaps mere attention, upsmanship, or yes, insecurity.
I believe there is a difference when and how a staff member deals with a bully vs. when a manager does. I think a staff member should call out the bully and handle the situation with the bully in private… using the techniques outlined in this post. I believe a manager should “call out” a bully “in public,” and handle the issue definitively
in private.
And I believe when explaining the bully behavior, both staff member and manager must be armed with as much “specific” bully behavior as possible–not just to make a case, rather to bring awareness. While disruptive creativity can be positive, disruptive staff chemistry is almost always counter-productive and destructive, and must not be tolerated and should lead to termination without further notice.
It never ceases to amaze me how timely your advice is. I have spent the weekend soul searching on this very topic. I have to confront up so it feels like twice the challenge. I agree with your lay statement. Do you think they’re is a time to involve HR or always just handle it on my own?
I wish this had come just six weeks earlier, perhaps it might have pulled the planks from a few eyes. Having just left a position for this very reason, a bully and having done nearly exactly what you advised I am now sitting wondering, “what next”.
I was the second person in my position to be bullied by this person.
I was the second person to have their professional competency ripped to shreds by the actions of this person.
I was the second person to leave, while this person continues to act without any reining in and just outside of public view.
I did speak up, even offering evidence of the bad behavior. It wasn’t enough. There are times, bad behavior is tolerated in exchange for ‘billable hours’.
Thanks Linda. Your last statement is sad but true. Short-sighted leaders allow jerks who deliver results to stay. They don’t see the damage they cause because they are all about the numbers. When it’s all about the numbers, people become numbers.
You also remind us that speaking up – even though it’s the right thing to do – doesn’t always help.
When I was very young to the work force and very “green” I was bullied by a 40-something co-worker for months. One day she pushed my limit button and I turned and gave her both barrels. I didn’t make a scene of it, just let her know in a firm way that I did not intend to take any more of her bullying. She treated me with respect from that day forward (Much to my delight) and we had a healthy working relationship from that day forward.
If she had continued, I would have taken the issue to my supervisor. I believe it is always good to go directly to the source of the problem first. If that fails, then involve another person.
It’s even tougher if you are dealing with a manipulative bully. They are ‘oh-so-nice’ to your face, but all of a sudden other people are mad at you for no apparent reason. When you finally figure out what is going on you would love to call them out, but to all appearances they are a perfectly nice person. When you try to tell them they are undermining your working relationships with others, they feign, or perhaps totally believe, that they are doing nothing wrong. If you go to the people that they are manipulating, you find out that they have been putting words in your mouth when you are not present: ‘Oh, XXX, doesn’t believe in standards…’ or ‘XXX thinks your idea is silly’. It’s nearly impossible to convince the manipulated you never said that. Plus, it’s impossible to convince management or human resources that their is a problem. I’d rather have someone publicly demean me, a least I’d have some obvious issue to point to.
I’ve learned and continue to learn that how things are handled can and should be varied depending on environment, the players involved, context of situation ,etc.
Example, internet situations are handled differently then on the job situations. Dealing with a boss and or co-workers on the job is handled differently then dealing with strangers or acquaintances online. Or if you only ‘collaborate’ instead of work together.
Family situations present a whole other set of dynamics as well.
This is subject to change with new and better insights/information, however at the moment, I’ve learned that ‘quiet’ isn’t always the best method if you are dealing with more of the covert manipulator who only SUCCEEDS because things aren’t carried out in private behind the scenes.
I can’t recall the title of the post you wrote, yet I can recall something you wrote about bringing stuff out into the OPEN when dealing with a manipulator. (something like that….forgive not having words verbatim)
So for me, if there is too much going on behind the scenes, bring it out into the open. It may tick people off yet it also sends a CLEAR message….Go ahead… play that game… but you won’t be playing it WITH ME….because I’m not going to protect you. (not YOU…whoever is pulling ‘crap’…)
Sound advice. Though sad to acknowledge that bullying is a prevalent issue in business – both sides of the Atlantic. I’ve just written a piece on the same theme here in the UK, on ‘Banter vs Bullying’ http://t.co/X6VxYPnO8h in CorpCommsMag
Is it more of a British thing to deflect bullying as ‘banter’, meaning innocuous laddish chat with high passions?
An interesting theme currently, the way that ‘banter’ can be positive and inclusive – underlining camaraderie, which is such a vital part of culture – and also negative and exclusive, cutting people out and reinforcing a tight tribe. Banter can quickly become GroupThink, which can extend to bullying of a group, beyond an individual scale.
Sometimes a fine lines, others more of a minefield.
Glad to have 5 pragmatic points of action here!
Isabel Collins
Bullying happens and continues in an organization when the ecosystem sustains it. If the individual can continue to grow, or receive rewards in spite of such behaviour. If the supervisor of the bully doesn’t have a difficult conversation. Or if, as you say, no one else speaks up.
Bullying needs to be visibly disincentivised for it to be eradicated from the workplace. Most of the bullies I have seen are successful performers who bring in the money, as a result, bosses and organizations are afraid to take firm stands with them for fear of losing them. If this does not change, no amount of confrontation is going to work, because the bully draws his/her power from knowing s/he is invincible or untouchable. Break that bubble.
Bullying can take many forms – sometimes it active and open at other times passive and quiet. But the result is the same. It breaks the spirit of people who suffer from it. I have seen many high performers go under a bully boss and as a result they can start questioning their own potential.
I continue to believe that when we prepare our students/children for the real world and the world of work, inculcating in them a spirit of resilience, self worth and not letting others define them are absolutely critical.
The bully in the office was likely the bully at the bus stop who no one stopped. The funny thing is that when s/he used bullying that long the person did not develop other ways of responding or coping with their environment.
Thanks Dan and others for leaning into this very important topic.
Might be an idea to get approval from the “bullied” before you confront the “bully”. The last thing you want to see is to have your well-intended actions give rise to further repercussions for the “bullied”.
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