The Four Hardest Words You’ve Never Said
I had a sinking feeling when the radio interview was over. I’m always critical of my performance, but this time something didn’t feel right.
Radio interviews are becoming common and I didn’t want to live with the story I was making up in my head.
Email:
I sent the show’s host an email.
“… I feel like I didn’t move the conversation along well. But, before I went too far, I wonder if you have any feedback…”
Reply:
“…I did a poor job of leading today’s interview…Will you forgive me?!.!”
Shock:
The words, “Will you forgive me,” get stuck somewhere between the heart and the head. Just the thought of saying, “Will you forgive me,” makes me think of reasons I don’t need to say it.
I’m filled with respect for a person with the courage and integrity to use the four hardest words I can think of.
My reply:
I thought the host did a fine job.
I was ready to fire off a quick email that said, no big deal. But those four words, at the end of his email, called for a better response.
Ultimately, I included this in my reply:
“I did not take offense, but, when someone asks for forgiveness, I feel it’s important to extend it. You’re forgiven. I find forgiveness, both in the asking and in the giving, a humbling thing.”
Asking forgiveness:
- Is taking responsibility for your side of a failure or offense, without excusing or accusing another.
- Invites improvement next time.
- Isn’t saying, “I’m sorry.” “I’m sorry,” is a pathetic substitute for, “Will you forgive me.”
- Feels vulnerable, but protecting your status diminishes others.
- Inspires a culture of integrity. We see through people who pretend to have it all together.
Leaders who forgive say, “Let’s start again.”
What concerns you about asking for forgiveness?
**Next radio interview is Thursday, 4/17 on WJOB1230 (Chicago area) at 6:00 p.m. EDT. (Join me. It streams on the Internet.)
Wow! Very, very powerful, Dan. Thnx for sharing!
Thanks Pastor David. Here’s to finding the courage to use those four words when they are appropriate.
Is this the same as saying: Will you please accept my apology?
Dan, right on! One reason we taught our children to state “I was wrong for doing or saying such and such. It was not right or it was disrespectful or whatever was the case. Will you please forgive me?” We never taught them to say “I’m sorry” (which may or may not be true). And the request for forgiveness goes far to mend relationships. It does make us vulnerable and expresses true humility. When leadership asks, that’s huge! That’s the boss for whom I want to work, and that’s the leadership I want to demonstrate.
Thanks Pete. I’m with you. The radio host indicated that he wanted to do something again in the future. You better believe I’ll do whatever I can to be helpful.
I suspect I feel like most in that I fear those 4 words because there’s a scary risk the person might say no or will say they are not ready to forgive just yet. It’s the ultimate vulnerability, laying your soul at the altar of their possible ritual sacrifice.
And of course, if they say no… Well then you just sucker punch them.
Thanks James. It takes real courage to lay yourself out there! The sucker punch idea helps. 😉
One day James you might realize forgiveness is a gift you give yourself and in no way is Dependant on acceptence or response of others.
When I forgive I stop resensing, not the other person. Their mindset is all completely their choice what to focus on.
See how they really are not the issue??
Trying to get approval of others and calling it or thinking it forgiveness is not really forgiveness….it is seeking aproval of others.
Just what I have learned through the years of my experience.
SP
EA
Dan, very powerful, you do realize this can be hard to say to some people. My history does say, when these words are exercised, the future with that person has hopeful connection.
Thanks Scott. Love that you added the word “hope” to this conversation. No forgiveness = no hope. KaPow!
I love it when your timely topics hit me right between the eyes. I’m currently behind on a project- for many reasons which include that I’m trying to do the right thing which will result in future success. However, I’m late and that aggravates me. But I also haven’t communicated effectively the reasons why I’m delayed.
I am sorry that I allowed the circumstance to come about.
But man my pride has a hard time with asking my boss “will you forgive me”.
What I don’t understand, I have no issue saying I’m sorry to my boss, but it feels like there is a boulder blocking me from asking “will you forgive me?”. Why?
Thanks Ryan. I’m right where you are. For me it just feels too vulnerable and I’m afraid of looking weak.
You bring up an important question. When is “Will you forgive me,” appropriate? I just rescheduled a call with a leader I’m coaching. He said, I guess I should say, “forgive me” and I brushed it off… I didn’t feel like a last minute reschedule was reason to ask for forgiveness.
Part of this discussion has to do with things that within our control. It doesn’t seem right to ask for forgiveness for a rainy day that ruined a program, for example.
I think it has to do with accountability. Saying “I’m sorry” feels less accountable to someone than saying “Will you forgive me”.
I think the reason these four words are harder than sorry to add is a preconceived stigma of it sounding “feminine” if I think about it now. Never really thought about it until this post. It is something I would have no hesitation in saying in my relationship with girlfriend though. Maybe then I think that these four words are to me at least appropriate in personal and not business relationships. Cracking thought provoking post though dan thanks
I feel that saying sorry does not show that you care what the other person really thinks of either you or the situation. ‘Forgive me’ shows that not only do you care what they think, but that it is important to you that the other person does not think less of you.
“But that it is important to you that the other person does not think less of you” well said 🙂
I like that analogy. Well said. 🙂
Great post D!!!!!
Only thing bout forgiveness that concerns me is not doing it!!!
As a recovering drunk and addict, did I ever humbly mention I been whupping addiction for close to 30 years???? Lol
You can all congratulate me on may 22nd.
Anyways the AA Big Book greatest book ever written…just my opinion cause I read it!!!! It says resentment is our number one offender!!!
Understand now why!!! Resensing takes ones mental focus out of the present moment!!!
The best channel in the TV of my mind is the NOW channel!!!
Doing all I can to stay tuned right here!!!
Forgiveness is a huge part of my tuning practice!!
Many Thanks D!!
Cherio!!!
Back to epic oxy production in the now!!!
SP
EA
Thanks Scott. Love how you connect forgiveness with a “now” focus.
Great Topic, and very scary for most of us. We live in a competitive world, be it business or play, and those words connotate weakness for the majority of us. But the sincerity and honesty of such a statement is really one of strength.
Great Job
Coach Bear
Thanks Coach Bear. Yes, I think the weakness thing comes into play. What’s funny is I don’t think of the radio host as weak. To be honest, there’s something in me that says humility is weak. I don’t like it, but it’s there.
Thanks for the reply Dan, just like a writer stated earlier, your topics are some times a slap in the face. We all need a slap every once in a while. As children we should get those from our parents, but as we get older (not necessarily more mature) we tend to lose that system of checks and balances. Your daily email gives that to me and I am sure MANY others.
Coach Bear
Wow! While I realize this column is centered primarily around leadership in our work lives, but I can’t help but connect this same message to my faith. We as Christians are called to forgive others, and go beyond that forgiveness and truly forget it. Wouldn’t it be a wonderful world if we could do the same thing in our work life? I’m not advocating for no accountability, but creativity is stifled when people fear repercussions for their mistakes. I’d love a work world where I have the security of forgiveness for my mistakes and the true forgetfulness that goes along with it that allows me to grow.
Thanks Marcie. You point out important benefits of forgiveness like creativity. Bitterness, grudges, and bringing up the past kill creativity.
As you indicate, forgiveness doesn’t through accountability out the window. It does acknowledge that people fall short.
Thank you for this, Dan. Not only is it important to ask for forgiveness, but also to do so without conditions or hidden intentions. A request for forgiveness should be accompanied by a desire to make things right, like Zacchaeus the tax collector. Forgiveness should be the start of repentance, an about-face in conduct. If the person asking for forgiveness needs help in the about-face, he/she should ask for it.
Thanks Marc. I believe forgiveness is a step toward better performance. It give permission to figure out ways to do better next time.
I’ve been thinking about the issue of constant failure and then falling back on forgiveness. In the business world I find that unacceptable. It indicates lack of self-awareness and passion for success.
Wow…uh,…wow. Funny how you learn that you need something that you didn’t know you needed. Another one for the Rock Wall, Dan. Thanks.
Thanks Steven!
Love it! Great post, Dan! I had never thought about the difference before, but very powerful!
Thanks Carrie. Best for the journey.
Good morning Dan
“Will you forgive me”. Humble, vulnerable, integrity,sincerity,moral charcter, I could go on and on. All great adjectives to include when concidering this humble request. Nothing can compare to honest candor. There is NO other way to build a better bond. “That’s it Dan, (gota clean the garage),you nailed this one”!
Cheers my friend
Steven
Thanks SGT. We say we want to connect with people. One way is the vulnerability of asking for forgiveness.
I recently did a less than stellar job on a “quick” project and the results found were incorrect. I’m disappointed in myself for several reasons on this particular task and found myself looking for the right words to speak with by boss about it. I think the timing on this post is just right and I have just the right opportunity to apply these words. Thank you for your work, inspiration, and dedication to helping us all become better.
Thanks Josie. You honor us by sharing your story! Best wishes for the journey.
Amen!
Thanks!
My excuse engine fires up when I should be asking for forgiveness. My accusatory slingshot stretches when I should lay it down and ask for forgiveness. I could list all the things my parents did to make me this way, but it is now, not then, so I will release them with forgiveness and move on. We go to war to attain peace, when we could just ask for forgiveness.
Powerful Dunk… very powerful. Forgiveness is letting go. Sometimes over and over because some things keep coming back to haunt us.
I echo all above with Wow! There were a lot of wows in the comments already. Tom Peters gives wow a special significance that resonates with me. It’s that almost instinctive utterance when something great takes your breath away. So Wow Dan! And thank you so much for sharing with us.
Thanks Bryan. You are very kind!
Just a couple weeks ago my 13 year old daughter said to me, “I don’t like when people ask me to forgive them, it makes me feel bad.” It was in the context of a conversation I was having with her about the importance of forgiveness, specifically that she and her sibling needed to forgive each other for some mutual ugliness that was going on that day.
I didn’t respond well. I said something like, “How can you not like it when someone asks you to forgive them? It’s a healing thing, it restores relationships! (All said in a tone somewhere between a raised voice and a shriek – it definitely didn’t help convince her of my point.)
Your comment that, ” I find forgiveness…in the giving, a humbling thing.” Is very helpful to hear. I think that’s what my 13-year old was trying to say. I will go back and tell her I understand now.
Thanks for sharing that Dan.
Many times I find my self saying, “I’m sorry!” rather than, “I’m sorry, will you forgive me.” The first is, for me, as often as not, really saying, “Get over it already, I’m not the only one at fault!” Asking for forgiveness puts the onus back where it belongs…on me.
Dan, Thank you for a wonderful post! I have to join others in saying that this is very powerful. It is much more authentic and vulnerable than ‘I’m sorry’. I have put it on my Culture Change board that helps me to act differently (I need daily reminders for some of these items) in order to become the person that I WANT to be!
Thanks again for you daily guidance and contributions…
For me is very hard to ask for forgiveness…
Thanks, Dan. Asking for forgiveness like this can be so powerful–and so rare. The other side of the coin, offering forgiveness even when not asked, is equally so–and can offer us personal peace in difficult situations. I thought your followers would enjoy this article “Personal Peace.” It’s by Dr. Robert Enright, a UW-Madison professor who has been a leading researcher on the practical power of forgiveness for 30 years. http://onwisconsin.uwalumni.com/issues/spring2013/personal-peace/
Very well put Dan. I’ve tried to discipline myself to always say “I was wrong, will you please forgive me.” The reason the other person might hesitate (if they do), is you’ve upset the balance of “guilt and blame.” They may want to hold on to their blaming you and not be ready to forgive and lay down the blame. In that case, it’s on them – you’ve done the right thing and your part!
This isn’t the same as the saying that says, “It’s better to ask for forgiveness than to ask for permission.” Is it? No, of course not! I am kidding!
I am one that does not have an issue asking for forgiveness. I am constantly performing self/situation analysis and if I find that I could have handled myself/situation in a better way – I acknowledge this fact. Sometimes, I need to go in the opposite direction and say, “No. I will not ask for forgiveness.” But, this is not without a huge amount of thought and consideration. Ultimately, the answer always becomes clear when the Golden Rule (“Did I treat them/situation the way that I would have wanted to have been treated?”) is considered.
Dan, You are familiar with the idea of “the tyranny of the ‘or'”. Consistent with Bill Haken’s “reply” above, I believe it best to say both (not that I have always done a good job of that). Saying I’m sorry, or I apologize, shows you/I acknowledge a mistake on your/my part, and then Will you forgive me acknowledges we are making ourselves vulnerable to their good graces. Thanks for such a power column today.
Lots of good points about asking for forgiveness – and giving it. What occurs to me is that a big difference between saying “I’m sorry” and asking for forgiveness is that apologizing does not require engagement from the other side and allows the relationship to remain more remote. Asking forgiveness involves both parties on a relatively deep level and that involvement requires thought and has a lot of potential to create a deeper relationship.
Dan, you are sharing what we all need! I appreciate you writing advice that is useable and helpful. I am an old man and find few articles that I am willing to praise.
This is an outstanding illustration of the kind of behavior that I can use to become a better me.
Thanks for writing material worthy of my time to read and praise!
Jimmy Collins
What concerns you about asking for forgiveness? Giving up the control of the situation by placing it in the hands of the other. Asking will you forgive me takes the I out of I’m sorry.
Asking for forgiveness is the greatest act of personal responsibility there is.
I read your work every day, and frequently repost. This one really struck a chord.
So often, I toss off an “I’m sorry” without really thinking about what I’m saying. Almost as if I’m trying to jump past some shortcoming without ever truly taking some personal responsibility for my actions. Asking forgiveness takes it to a whole new level.
thanks
The scary thing about asking “Will you forgive me” is the loss of illegitimate power. It’s easier to refuse anyone the dignity of giving back the power taken from them whether intended or not. But the wonderful thing about asking that question is that it empowers a healthy relationship to grow. That’s powerful!
Hard words, indeed. But so powerful. Thanks for sharing.