How to Defeat the Dangers of Disrespect
Foolish leaders disrespect intentionally. But, for many, disrespect is accidental.
Disrespectful leaders demoralize the team.
You’re disrespectful when you:
- Answer for others in meetings.
- Help when help isn’t needed. Over-helpfulness suggests others aren’t capable.
- Make choices without input from those impacted. Unilateral decisiveness feels like a putdown to those on the receiving end of your decisions.
- Minimize successes and maximize failures, in the name of improvement.
- Neglect common courtesies like good morning. The first thing to go when you feel time pressure is good manners. Disrespectful leaders talk at, speak down, and interrupt.
- Assume negative intention.
People who feel disrespected:
- Disconnect and withdrawal. Disrespect is so painful that pulling back is inevitable.
- Distrust. They don’t trust you when you disrespect them.
- Lose respect for you. Disrespect invites disrespect.
- Slowdown in protest.
- Sabotage the process or results.
- Never give you their best.
- Leave the team either literally or emotionally.
Thanks to the Leadership Freaks who gave input on Facebook!
Seven expressions that show respect:
Feeling respect is feeling valued.
Giving respect is valuing others.
- “What does respect look like to you?” (The most important question.)
- “You can do better. Let’s talk about how?”
- “What are you doing that I’m missing?”
- “Here’s why your work is important.”
- “Your skills matter. Would you like to add more?”
- “Thank you.”
- “How are you facing your current challenges?”
Special concerns:
- Agreement and respect are separate issues.
- The most powerful context of respect is disagreement.
- The ability to act on input or feedback is distinct from receiving it respectfully.
Dumb leaders devalue others. Foolish leaders inadvertently tell others their work isn’t important.
The first step toward earning respect is showing it.
Bonus: “20 Ways to Gain the Respect you Deserve”
How do leaders accidentally act with disrespect?
What are some powerful ways to show others your respect?
One of the things that you talk about a lot is explaining the details of something. To me that shows a huge amount of respect.
I respect you so I am going to explain why what I have asked of you is important. I am going to explain my decision or direction. I am going to explain why I am not going to carry out your suggestion.
It shows that you respect a person enough to give them your time and the details.
Thanks for the post.
Thanks Anthony,
Explanations show respect. Obviously we aren’t talking about excuse making.
When I ask young leaders what I can do to encourage them they often say, tell me what I’m doing matters. That’s so powerful.
Dan that word thingy again, dumb!!!
No good for me.
Less effective works better for me.
Telling myself in my head someone else is dumb is right up the alley of this disrespect thingy you are talking about, isn’t it?
I don’t accidently do anything.
Ultimately all my actions were a choice I made. I have found most folks do not want to take that much responsibility. I dont either sometimes. Bottom line all my actions follow the story I am telling myself in my head, period. I either take full response-ability or I don’t. Just shows my level of response-ability and nothing else.
I choose to be thinking of me instead of being present in the moment really listening to another person. That usually gives the person in front if me the fuel they need to tell themselves I am not respecting them. Their response is their stuff not mine so kinda a sticky wicket!!
Or I choose to think they are real bright! Thing is most people aren’t!!!!! Lol they are just another one of Gods kids just like me!! All equal. Brilliant one second stupifying the next. What I see depends on when! Then what I tell myself I think I saw!!!!
I can be more respectful my googling respectful actions. Then DO some of them. Print then put on a peice of paper and read over them a few times a day!!!! then act on the instructions!!! BE respectful! 21 one days of practice and a new healthy habit emerges!
Cya
SP back to now!!
Thanks Scott,
You think it’s ineffective and it is. I think it’s dumb. I can respect that. 🙂
I admit that I often choose provocative language for the posts. But, I’m a pussy cat in person.
And a GREAT provocateur!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You are pretty pretty good at this, I must say!
I also respect your dumb thinking!!!!!!!! LOL
Intended to generate belly laugh not infer any disrespect! hehe
SP back to my present!
You raise a lot of key points and identify actions and words that tell a lot about a person or people. What I think we are missing in the workplace and society in general is that we continue to talk about this, but don’t do anything about it.
Until people consistently take actions that “demonstrate” that these actions are unacceptable, it will continue. Unfortunately, I don’t think that collectively we will take action. I recently heard an interview in which people identified politeness and kindness as a weakness. I think that this is the root of the problem.
Thanks Heather-Anne,
Lets talk less and implement more. Part of this is what we tolerate and expect from others. As long as we put up with disrespect we’ll likely experience disrespect.
It’s interesting (to me, at least) to think of that list of disrespectful actions in terms of how the political class often treats ordinary citizens. I’ll refrain from starting a partisan discussion, but nos. 2 through 4 on your list explain at least in part why the phrase “I’m from the government, and I’m here to help” has a negative ring to it.
I’m going to send this around the office, I think. Keep up the good work!
G
Thanks Gray,
I appreciate you not getting into a partisan discussion but also see how these ideas apply to the political context. I’m glad you pointed that out.
Thanks for sharing Leadership Freak around your office.
Dear Dan,
A good post indeed. Defeating the dangers of disrespect, appears to me like accepting disrespect. Disrespect is about taking or rejecting. In a situation, where many disrespectful leaders are there, it is common to get disrespect. So, in such situations, it may not be good to take it personally. It is better to avoid it. It is equally important to understand the issues involved. When issues really question our credibility and worth, then it make sense to look into. I also feel there could be many situations where we can get disrespect.
Sometimes, leaders can act with disrespect accidentally that needs to be avoided but repeated such behavior need attention. It is very difficult and challenging to show others your respect especially who disrespect you. Long back, I was discussing similar issues with one of my friend and we both tried to find out some workable solutions. Finally, my friend suggested me one idea- try to appreciate people who disrespect or criticize you, in front of others. When you do this, message will go to the person, and hence he or she may be forced to think. He also suggested that when someone talks negatively to you about others, do not accept it. Instead, try to be positive and say- I have never heard or imagined like this because I have good experience with the person you are talking about.
I did this strategies and it was successful. This strategy could be useful in such situations.
Earn: Please, thank-you, “I was wrong…”
Detract: ‘Just do it’. ‘What are you stupid/insane/an idiot?’ Asking for ideas when you don’t want them.
To say the least, this is excellent!
We can never influence and disrespect at the same time. It is practically impossible.
Your article makes very helpful reading.
Thank you for sharing!
http://www.excellentleading.wordpress.com
Thank you again. So often I observe the negative behaviors of those in management and end up feeling very disempowered, devalued, and silenced for wanting better. You always end your blog with solution. With solution there is hope.
Our office is the poster child for being blind to success and calling attention to errors of others. And then when an outside force brings up an error there is the big HUNT to find someone to blame. It never appears enough for the party to take ownership. No, new procedures go in place adding more layers ad nauseum.
Thanks to you and all the other leaders I read and listen to I continue to hold the light there will be healing.
Rebecca, it is such a sad state of affairs when so-called leaders are blame layers and error hunters or encouragers of the same.I too trust that healing will come.
Good Morning, Dan.
First, as always, thank you.
I’m a bit unsettled today by your post. I think it is right on, yes, and cannot exactly describe the cognitive dissonance that I’m experiencing…
Everything I learned about respect I learned while working and living in a poor, urban environment. You might not believe it, but the rules I learned in the neighbor(hood) have helped me in incalculable ways as I moved into management roles with more and more responsibility. The “street cred” kind of respect is very different than what you have written here…but similar in some startling ways. We knew that in our social circumstance, we were nothing if our word meant nothing: respect was earned by always doing what you claimed you could do. Being honest, even when the consequence for being so might be negative, was a way that respect was earned. In my old neighborhood. Respect was collateral– it was traded, earned, lost and negotiated. “Respect” is a word that I use OFTEN and is a large part of my management persona. I’m still learning! Your post added a new dimension to a characteristic that I thought I knew well. I will practice the “expressions that show respect.” I guess I just had never thought of respect this way. Thanks for the post…and thank you for letting me ramble a bit as I try to incorporate this new information…
Thanks Kim,
The thing that I left out of this post is the connection between competence and respect. Which is what I see in your comment.
My goal was to think of respect as a tool that elevates, energizes, and enables people who work for or with us.
I’m glad you jumped in.
What I have experienced is how some managers use “disrespect” as a tool to undermine key people in the organization. Often this negative technique is justified for the greater good … so they say. The “Father Knows Best” persona from a leader’s position disrespects their employees. For leaders that use fear as a tactic to control their workers, disrespect is a valuable tool to achieve employee demoralization.
OUCH! this one hits me between the eyes, I think I do some of these things.
Thanks again for another good one…
Reblogged this on THE STRATEGIC LEARNER and commented:
Dan Rockwell being, as always, thoughtful, useful, and focused.
I like your point that agreement and respect are separate issues. My late boss was a man I had a great deal of respect for and he for me. We used to disagree regularly. But the reason for the “arguments” was our desire to have someone we respected so much agree with our own opinion. I think knowing you are respected can make a person feel free to express an opinion that may not be in agreement with the Company line. That can bring change and stronger organizations.
Good morning, Dan! (Good place to start). Excellent summary! Those who do not respect others do not respect themselves, and criticism of shining the light on the issue may (may) be an indication of the Cinderella Theory in action — “If the shoe fits, wear it”. Thank you, Dan!
I’ve certainly fallen into some of those traps in the past. 🙂
So easy for us to mistakenly disrespect someone. Often it starts by not listening. It’s a magical gift when someone truly listens to us. We feel respected, and it creates an atmosphere of trust.
I think your article demonstrates just how easily we can disrespect someone. I bet many people who read this have slipped up in some way. You write clearly and succinctly which makes gleaning the main messages so easy.Thanks for this information!