No One Ever Told Me …
Image by David Thyberg
*****
You’ll never succeed until people listen to you.
Leadership is challenging because most people aren’t good listeners – leadership requires listeners. Earnest Hemingway said, “Most people never listen.” If they never listen, they can never be led. Watch children playing and you’ll see that listening is rare – telling is common.
6 Excuses
A “good” excuse not to listen relieves responsibility – or at least it feels that way – and authorizes push back. I don’t listen if:
- You don’t listen to me.
- You don’t understand me.
- You don’t understand my challenges and opportunities.
- You stay aloof. You aren’t willing to get skin in the game.
- You don’t want what’s best for me.
- You suggest stupid ideas.
Gaining an audience:
The reasons we don’t listen well reveal paths to earning the right to be heard. Leaders flip excuses into motivations. For example, the positive of number two is, people listen when they feel understood.
Premature leadership:
Never try leading until you have listeners. If you’re asking, “Why aren’t people listening,” you aren’t leading. All leaders always need listeners.
Bonus tip:
Tough questions earn more listeners than tough statements. Ask about things others don’t dare.
How can leaders earn the right to be heard?
**********
Subscribe to Leadership Freak today. It’s free, practical, and brief. The subscribe button is in the upper right of the home page. I’ll never sell your email address, promise.
I like this post! I’ve poundered on your question : “How can leaders earn the right to be heard?” – and the answer, in my opinion, is two folds 1) credibility – people will listen to anyone who have credentials and 2) giving info about topics that people are interested in.
great post! I am sure you have heard the saying that “God gave us two ears and one mouth because we should listen twice as much as we speak”. The best leaders, the best salespeople are great listeners.
It is an oversight that many people fall prey to. I think it was Drucker who said that if people haven’t understood what you have said, then you have not communicated with them.
The second issue is listening. Listen to learn what people are about, what they need, what needs you can service. Again, service to a person is not service until we serve them in a way that is meaningful to them, not us.
Listen so that you will be listened to ultimately.
Goodd post as always.
Martina
In my experience, at least one of the keys to earning the right to be heard would be by earning respect early on, through actions and by example. People won’t really listen to anyone they don’t truly respect.
What I learn from you today is something that I have never quite thought of in this way, which is awesome: “Tough questions earn more listeners than tough statements.” – how very true!
With the picture up top I expected something along the lines of,
You’re not leading if you’re not being heard;
All you’re doing is driving the herd.
Yet another great, thought-provoking post, Dr. Rockwell. Thanks!
Listen first, then clarify, then think, then ask.
How well we listen may be a whole other thread.
Can one listen with every nano of being and still subdue the urge to speak, to provide an opinion? Can one listen with unconditional positive regard?
After listening, clarify. Clarify only about what you just heard, not clarify to give your opinion, your keen insights, your vast knowledge. Clarify to see what/if you really heard. Get feedback.
Once you get feedback on that, think about how you can truly add to the dialogue. Ask yourself first, does what I want to say, help or hinder?Then ask if you can provide an observation, another perspective and keep it to 1-2 points. Kitchen sinks not allowed.
I’m not sure being heard is a right. It may, instead, be a privilege.
Regardless, you’ve given the two most important responses to your question already, Dan: Leaders are most heard when 1) They listen to others and 2) They understand others and let them know they do (or at least are trying to).
The bigger question is “How do leaders earn the privilege of being listened to?” The even bigger one is “How do leaders move people from listening to following?”
Jeanny
You’ve reminded me of Lord Hurd of Westwell: a superb British Foreign secretary in his time; and always a great listener. Having listened, well, to many diverse perspectives he is always amazing to listen to. And he is not beyond listening at all levels: high as well as low.
Reblogged this on Life is Good Blog and commented:
Good listening skills are highly important for leaders and Dan does a great job in distilling it into its basic concepts.
Reblogged this on Casey Wheeler Consulting and commented:
Good listening skills are highly important for leaders and Dan does a great job in distilling it into its basic concepts.
The listening model they taught us in all the work I’ve done with the Coaches Training Institute presents three levels of listening:
Level 1: What you say is all about me.
This works well in restaurants when a waiter is asking me how I want my steak, what I want on my potato, what kind of dressing I want, etc. I’m responding to his questions from my own ego/self-interest. It doesn’t work as well when someone is telling me about their vacation and I start saying, “Oh, I went there on vacation! When I was there we saw the temples and went to this really great restaurant and. . . and. . . and . . .”
Level 2: I listen to you and you listen to me.
When you have finished speaking, I say something that has relevance to what you said and furthers the conversation. I may be in alignment; I may present a counterpoint; I may add value; I might ask a question. You respond to what I’ve said. The conversation keeps going in a shared direction.
Level 3: I listen to you at Level 2 and I also listen/pay attention to everything else — your body language, tone of voice, the energy in the conversation, your level of engagement, the arc of the conversation (did it really end 5 minutes ago and no one noticed?), the ambient noise and activity, etc.
It’s especially important for leaders to be aware of the Level 3, to be able to read the space they are in and sense the level of engagement, particularly if it’s a group situation. This is a skill that needs to be practiced a lot so that it becomes natural and so that the leader’s receptors keep broadening their range.
Jeanny
What works in the classroom when teens won’t listen?
Compliment them. Everyone listens to a personal and sincere compliment.
Ask for their opinion and LISTEN.
THEN (and probably only then) they will listen to what you have to say.
Dauna Easley
Sometimes the situation requires to just shut up and say nothing – even if the other party is also quiet. In other words, a good listener should be able to use pause and silence. I usually see people trying desperately to fill the silence with unnecessary flood of words…
How truly fantastic post – I’ve been in a children party because of suggestion stupid ideas
How can leaders earn the right to be heard? By engaging with their listeners. As the leader they need to engage 1st by showing up when it’s important, asking questions that keep communication open, really hearing what’s said by reading between the lines, listening for needs and acting on what’s important.
To really hear someone is incredibly empowering. Like a smile that comes from within that says “I hear you, I like you, you are important.”
Reblogged this on willowcreeksa.