I Hate Manipulators
The issue isn’t what you want. All leaders want the same thing, results. You can’t lead until you define desired results.
Results drive everything leaders do.
In the tension between getting results and building relationships, results take priority. Results are the goal. Relationships are the method.
Once you determine results, focus on relationships.
Relationships produce results.
Awkward:
Relationships seem manipulative if results are the goal.
I hate being around people who are always looking for an angle. I find them small and offensive. I smell their stink within the first few sentences out of their mouths. When my “manipulator radar” goes off, my guard goes up. Manipulators:
- Size you up.
- Ask, “What’s in it for me.”
- Hide true intentions.
I feel like I have to protect myself from manipulators.
Balancing results and relationship:
- Be transparent. Declare yourself and see if they reciprocate. Relationships include reciprocity.
- “It’s just business,” is an excuse to violate a relationship. Never say it. Never believe it.
- Embrace the genius of “and.” Develop relationships and pursue results.
I want to build relationships with those around me for two reasons. First, I genuinely want to know people. But there’s something more. I want to know you so I can enhance results. If I know you I can:
- Help you leverage your strengths.
- Find ways for you to connect and fit in.
- Give my talents, skills, and perspective to you in ways that make sense to you.
The line between manipulation and relationship is intention.
Manipulators seek their own best interests while pretending they seek yours. Your success threatens them. Relationship based leaders seek your best interests. Your success invigorates them.
Relationship based leaders aggressively seek results and sincerely build relationships.
How do you balance the tension between relationship and results?
Next week’s best free opportunity to develop your leadership is a FREE – Live conference call with bestselling author, Dr. Henry Cloud. Dr. Henry Cloud: Set Boundaries – Extend Results, on April 3 at 1:00 p.m. ET. INFO
Me too, Dan! Have you ever noticed that during good economic times, manipulators seem to float to the top? Sometimes it seems intention isn’t always questioned when things are going well. Then, when times get tough and results are harder to come by, true colors are shown and many manipulators are either shown the door or find it themselves since the company “isn’t good enough for them anymore”…
Leaders who have built their reputation on sincere relationships and solid results stick around during the inevitable refocusing, reorganization and rebuilding confident that they can overcome the adversity because they have a tried and trustworthy team to support them on the journey back to the top.
Stay safe,
Paul
Thanks Paul.
Great observations. I’ll add that I’ve seen manipulators step up manipulative activities when they see downturns coming. Their goal is to protect themselves and make others look bad so that when/if cutbacks happen they feel safer. It’s disgusting.
Best,
Dan
Timely post, Dan. Especially as we race headlong into social media as being part of the backbone of many relationships, we have to remember that true relationships are built on trust and integrity.
Many also still live in a “dog eat dog” business and psychological environment where their self-esteem and self-worth are tied to the win.
The best ways to balance try to relationship-results equation involves knowing and understanding your own values, heart and motivation, knowing what you really want (what your win is), being open to what other person needs, the value you place on your relationship and a willingness to look for a way forward that benefits everyone as much as possible.
What constitutes winning and how you go about it are very much a reflection of your integrity and core values.
Martina,
The trust and integrity comments are so true. Recall, if you can, some earlier blogs by Dan concerning manipulators, however. You cannot control any person other than yourself. If you must deal with manipulators on a day to day basis, trust (of them) and (their) integrity go out the door in those instances. For many years I believed I could change others who practiced manipulative ways but now I know that strategy is seldom, if ever, successful. So, as much as my soul tells me to be open and willing, my head tells me to be straightforward and simple with those I believe to be manipulators. As a manager of people and careers, this is a very hard lesson to accept.
Thanks Dennis.
So true. We have to stop trying to change manipulators and deal with them. If have the authority, perhaps boot them. If we don’t then it’s foolish to be transparent with people who intentionally use it against you. I hate being in that situation. I want to protect your interests and I want people around me who protect mine.
Cheers
I completely agree Dennis. The only person we actually have control over is ourselves. So, we learn that we can trust our integrity and trust our motives, because we check in with ourselves often.
No you can rarely change people who thrive on manipulation. The best you can do most days is to try to protect other people from them, and as Arisotle said, protect your own heart.
Thanks
Thank you Marina.
All I can say is KaPow! I can’t be authentic if I can’t identify and say what I want as well as helping you get what you want.
Can we consider the “yes man” as a manipulator?
Do you think “yes men” are seeking their own best interests while pretending they seek yours? 🙂
If done with the intent of pleasing the other for personal gain, then the “yes man” who withholds critique that would advance the organization’s mission is a manipulator. Sometimes, it is fear of exclusion, rejection, or sanction, and not manipulation, that motivates the “yes man”.
This is so good. I guess I am naïve.. it is only recently that I have begun to understand just how this tactic works and how damaging it can be. And.. more people operate like this than you would ever imagine. Transparency is needed so much , but most are just terrified of letting the guard walls down. Thanks again for your post.
Thank you Cheryl.
I’ve been naive all my life. The first time I saw this, it crushed me. I couldn’t believe people would be this way. I hate writing about it.
Love your focus on transparency. I’ve decided that those who won’t be transparent have too many secrets.
John Maxwell defines leadership as “Influence.” If I tie that thought to yours, it makes even more sense. We can’t influence people that we don’t have a relationship with at some level. Leading is pulling those with you. Bossing is pushing them from behind. There’s no leadership there.
The problem many of us face is knowing where the line of professional relationship and friendship can be. If you aren’t careful, that line can become a little too fuzzy, and your decision making becomes flawed.
I want my people to want to work for me. I want them to want to be a part of the team; fully invested in our desired results. Ownership. If I have no relationship with them, they will have no relationship with the cause.
Thank you Colby.
As I read your contribution today I thought about the problem of needing to be liked. Relationships with others is never a reason to avoid tough issues. It’s actually a reason to engage in them. Great stuff
Well I have learned over my life people end up getting what they give.
Appearances can fe deceiving. No one knows when a dude and dudette lay their heads down at night how they feeling? What they telling them all full of themselves then?
Ain’t no substitute for good ole honest good living. As active as my brain is all day long I GOT to get restful sleep. When I don’t I start losing things….one if the ways I know I am getting run down.
For me I break up the word to see who invented it was trying to realte to me. Relation-ship. So we are in a ship and I can’t run it by myself so I got this dude or dudette here to help me AND for me to help them!!!
Might be little ship or a big-un! Got to figure out how this ship works, where we going, what each can contribute to us getting where we decided together we were gonna go!
If we wreck, so what next!!! Then we decide what we each contributed to our journey that ended in rocks busted up.
If I am dealing with a less than good person with good posture they will let me know. If they are not straight up they won’t like me much. People like who they are like so bad seeds eventually bare fruit!! They will get what they give eventually but I got bettt things to do than bellyache about them!!!
I got windmills to chase!! Right now!!!!
Have a good one Dan the Man!!
SP Out!
Opps meant bad seeds bare no fruit !
Sorry so much for typos but got a lot going on!!
Good day!
SP Out!
What a great insight Dan. It all comes down to service doesn’t it?
A very powerful observation, Justin. Service over self. Stewardship rather than seduction.
Dan, you touched on one of the most subtle and destructive behaviors. Manipulators are “smooth”, learning to practice deceit in so many ways to achieve their goals that they are rarely caught red-handed, yet literally abuse those they manipulate. The result is powerlessness, frustration, anger on the part of the abused.
Wikipedia’s link at http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychological_manipulation describes manipulators, their tactics, and their victims.
Manipulators often rise to positions of power, but the power they wield is ephemeral – only sycophants are pay more than lip service to them, while others adopt submissive behaviors in order to survive, yielding entire organizations of people who don’t have their heart in their work. I have worked directly for 3 manipulators in my career – and none of the organizations they led survived. We once had a pastor who was a master manipulator. He finally left, and the church survived, but only after losing a large portion of its membership and becoming totally ineffective in its mission. 10 years later, it is still struggling.
At its core, manipulation is a combination of selfishness, deceit, and lack of conscience. These are also the traits of a sociopath.
How do you avoid becoming a manipulator? Find someone or several people who are independent and honest enough to tell you what you are really like, and who know you well. Tell them you wish to be accountable – and then seek true honest feedback from them. Never look down on people working at a subordinate level, but practice giving thanks, trying to serve their interests when they cannot reciprocate, and being personally transparent. When you lie, admit it. When you wrong others, seek forgiveness, repent, and provide restoration.
How to you avoid being manipulated? If your “spider-sense” says something is wrong, if you find yourself doing things you don’t want to do because you were coerced into it, if people lie to you or to others, if they have a reputation of being “smooth talkers”, if they seek sympathy, if they take advantage of situations where they are suddenly in positions of control over others more vulnerable, then beware. You will never win against a sociopathic manipulator, since they have no conscience, can lie at will without remorse. The Holy Spirit may change them, but not your resistance or intelligence. The best defense mechanism is to either get them out of the organization so they can no longer hurt the organization and its members, or to leave the organization. The only sure remedy for sociopathy is to separate them from their victims.
For more information, read “The Sociopath Next Door”. The author, a reputed psychologist, states that about 3% of society are sociopaths, people with no conscience who manipulate others.
Dear Dan,
I appreciate the sentence- the line between manipulation and result is intention is very powerful statement. I absolutely agree with it. It means intention of management plays major role in instilling and emerging many practices. It can be inferred that absence of relationship will lead to manipulation. I think manipulators want self benefit at any costs. They talk convincingly, walk convincingly and look convincingly but they think manipulatively. There is strong value mismatch in what they say and what they do. Manipulators keep more interaction with the bosses and spread more rumors about the employees. They believe that by creating negative publicity about their colleagues and team members, they are enhancing their image.
As a leader, I would define clear parameter of result and promotion. I will try to discourage the relationship factor from performance appraisal process. However,I will strongly encourage and evaluate human factor like honesty, values, ethics and relationship with fellow employees while evaluating performance appraisal.
Manipulators survive on leaders weakness, information distortion, employees interaction with superiors etc. Leaders can discourage manipulators by creating clear and timely information and taking honest and anytime feedback from employees. They should encourage maximum interaction. Such practices can root out manipulators to the great extent.
Thank you for this post. I hate manipulators as well. I have worked with one for the past 7 years and he makes my skin crawl. Not only does he manipulate he triangulates, or tries to. I simply wait and listen to him talk until I think I know what his agenda is. I refuse to pass on his messages and tell him he must talk to people himself. And still he finds ways around me. Right now things are extremely tense around here, because he triangulated someone who did something that upset the church courts and will have ramifications in the congregation here…..I hope that this time, the solution will include his resignation. But I doubt it. Oh yeah, I hate manipulators.
This scares me. Not because it opens my eyes that there are a lot of them out there but I have to ask myself sometimes if this sounds like me. I won’t lie, there are times when I socialize with intentions, but is there a thin line I’m too close to?
This is great! Turn the relationship problem on its head by asking “What can I do for this person?” rather than “What can this person do for me?”
There has to be sandpaper-like tension between results and relationships otherwise complacency settles in far too quickly. Schein’s book on Helping points to a number of dynamics that ebb and flow as we help or are helped, all of which define the depth of the relationship, or in the case of manipulators, the lack of depth. Really enjoyed Marc and Paul’s comments today, thanks guys!
Hmmm could see a whole set of Jeff Foxworthy-like statements….
You might be a manipulator if you place your own personal agenda ahead of others…
You might just be a manipulator, if your interaction is not unconditional and not positive and you don’t hold the other person in high regard…or any regard for that matter.
Great points…
I’m wondering if there really needs to be as much tension between results and relationships – is it really two opposing forces that need to be balanced, or could it be more like two aligned forces pulling in the same direction?
What I mean is, can the whole thing start with defining a shared vision of what “results” means (a collective sense of purpose), and then focusing on finding and building relationships with people who already share that sense of purpose?
This way, it’s not as much about walking that tightrope of manipulation vs. results-focused leadership, and is more about leading like-minded people toward a shared set of results.
Of course, this isn’t always realistic (can’t always choose who we have to lead or what they care about), so this post has some great real-world use! 🙂
You are right, Tim. The difference between manipulation of group members and being a good leader who is sensitive to their aspirations and endeavors to fulfill them while engaging collaborative efforts is one of goals. The manipulator gets people to do what they would not ordinarily do in order to satisfy his/her personal desires, and often uses dishonest means to achieve this. The steward leader gets people to participate in a collective effort to advance the organization’s goals, with more regard for their good than his own. The manipulator is egocentric, while the steward is mission-centric. The manipulator loves him/herself, while the steward loves the stakeholders of the organization.
Although it is often easy to see the manipulator’s duplicity, at times it is not so evident.
For example, John Kotter advocates making people uncomfortable in their present situation in order to better initiate change. While Kotter’s motives appear pure (don’t allow people to wear rose-coloured glasses and so resist necessary change, some “leaders” have deliberately made things worse in their organizations in order to force unwilling people to follow their (often self-aggrandizing) change initiatives. A good leader smells smoke, wakes people up, says, “the house in on fire, so get out of bed and go outdoors”, then goes from room to room to save people. A manipulator lights the fire, and yells “fire!” on his/her way out the door, and once safe basks in the glory of having been the savior.
It is easy, when gazing at one’s own belly-button, or reflection in the mirror, to think one is superior. From there, it is only a step to manipulating others, sometimes “for their own good”. When the primary focus is on the goal, the secondary on the people, and the least reflection on self, it is harder to fall into this trap.
“Relationship based leaders seek your best interests. Your success invigorates them.” This sounds a lot like Mark 10:42-45… Servant Leadership. And it’s amazing how people respond to it!
Have a great weekend!
Darryl
I don’t know if it’s a great idea to be transparent..? I agree you should be honest, but I wouldn’t share all my dreams/goals with people who I feel are manipulative. I feel like they can use that against you. I definitely think getting a long with everyone helps prevent you from getting manipulated.
My first inclination is to play “Dumb” and let them tighten the noose around their neck because most times manipulators are not truth tellers, and usually the lies catch up to them. The better choice is to have a discussion and bring the issue out into the light of day, not confrontationally, but honestly.
The best way I’ve found is to turn the interaction into a question and answer period. The questions, who, what, where, why, when & how usually brings out the manipulation and then a discussion can take place. Be aware though that exposing the manipulation, no matter how nicely you do it can cause problems, such as grudges or vindictiveness on the part of the manipulator. “Pick & choose your battles”, is some of the best advice I have ever been given, cause at the end of the day some things don’t really even matter.
As for getting results the same applies, be honest, and offer up the six questions without having to be asked. Offer to assist in any way that you can and offer to do the same for them in the future, that’s how relationships are developed and nurtured.
We all manipulate. You use bold statements to manipulate your readers to engage. Would you prefer if your favourite team decided that they would never try to manipulate their opponents. Would you want your lawyer to have a ‘no jury manipulation’ policy?
Manipulation is not a bad thing. It’s the intent that makes it bad. If the intent is malicious, then it’s bad. If it does no harm then who cares?
Paul
http://www.brainsellpublishing.com