Six Step Transformational Conversations
“Many people who could have made the biggest difference in my life didn’t.”
@pastorhudson tweeted back, “WOW that’s so true! My question is why? Did they not know? Not care? Not have time?”
I thought, “Great questions?”
Why haven’t they made a bigger difference?
- We didn’t go to them?
- They didn’t come to us?
- They had bigger issues to deal with. We weren’t a priority?
- We didn’t realize their valuable till it was too late?
- We felt we already had answers but we didn’t?
- Perhaps they didn’t know how?
Here’s how to have conversations that make a big difference.
6 steps to transformational conversations:
- Listen to their passions and ideas. Ask them to tell their story. Listen for achievements and frustrations. Successes illustrate competencies; frustrations reveal unfulfilled passions.
- Repeat it back. Tell them what you hear but don’t pressure them to agree with your initial impressions. Clarify and embrace, again.
- Say yes to their hopes. Forget your hopes for them; uncover their hopes for themselves – hopes they don’t yet know they have. Your greatest power is helping others find their greatest hopes. (Tomorrow I’ll explain how to help others have more hope.)
- Explore next steps. Avoid eating the whole elephant; help them take a bite. Leadership is always about next steps, always. You aren’t leading till they can explain next steps.
- Set the next meeting. Once you find a compelling next step, say, “I’d love to hear how that goes. When can we get together next week?”
- Say, “How can I help?” Open doors and share insights but never do for.
Bonus:
Never let distant uncertainties prevent the pursuit of near certainties.
**********
What steps would you add to enhance a transformational conversation?
What can leaders do to make a big difference in the lives of others?
It is an amazing thing Dan, everything hinges on our ability to listen to other people, and not just ourselves.
Listening attentively is a skill we don’t spend much time teaching, but it is essential.
When people feel that you are interested in them and their ideas, passions, dreams, concerns, etc. They will listen to you. And if you don’t have their undivided attention, you will not get their undivided loyalty.
If people feel that you do not care about them, it is hard to get them to buy into any project or team effort.
Good post, as always,
Martina
@martinamcgowan
Like Martina said “Listening attentively is a skill we don’t spend much time teaching (or learning), but it is essential”
Seems like for a leader, that should be first thing that one should study, practice and get it pat down.
Make it a GREAT day!
Dima
As a spiritual director for many years, I know that listening attentively and compassionately has a myriad of applications. One of the most tragic trends today is that people feel unheard. In my formation programmes, the power of listening is at the forefront. Transformational conversation would be further enhanced by helping people to articulate their passions and desires — they often are not even aware that they have a passion or desire!
I truly appreciate your blog very much and have given the address to others. Linda
“Your greatest power is helping others find their greatest hopes”
This really hit home with me, thank you for sharing this, it will be my thought food for the day
Nice Post Dan, I really like this topic – mind you i think there should be doctorates for studying dinnertime conversations with our children. Agree fully with what you have here, very clear constructive and affirming. i will add that i encourage people to remove “must’ – we “must” catch up , we “should” do that, etc. Phooey… make a date, set the follow up (step 5), charge ahead, do it.
From you I have observed, and partly learnt, the power in finding (something) positive in every conversation; I think you are the zen master of this, and that is a powerful thing for creating transformational conversation.
cheers Richard
“Zen master” said grasshopper Croadie! 😉
Thank you for setting out those steps so perfectly. Imagine if we started using these with our spouse, and just continued on…
I particularly like #3. Too often we try to fit other people into the mold we think they should fit instead of letting them loose on their own passions and dreams. Helping someone take the next step toward fulfilling their dream is a most rewarding feeling. Thanks for the reminders.
For me the advice in this post is so easy to do with others. Listen and encourage. Frankly, I’ve been the teacher students sought out most frequently with personal issues, choices and encouragement.
BUT it is so difficult to do with those we love the most. My daughter once told me, “Mom, college is your dream for me, not mine.” She spent three years and quite a bit of money proving that was the truth. It’s hard not to want for your children what you believe they will eventual desire sometime in their future.
Letting go of that particular dream of mine was absolutely agonizing for me.
What have I earned in the process of letting go of my dream and letting her author her life? I have five wonderful grandchildren and a good relationshiip with them AND their mom. What does she want for her children? A college education.
Dauna Easley
When I read the first line of your post Dan, I was saddened, too accurate, too true. (Dang those mirrors of (y)ours!
“I listened hard, but could not see”–by YES, great phrase fits.
Remembering that, by percentage, the words themselves are only a small part of the communication. The eyes, the voice, the movements, and the space between the notes convey the song or the message. These are all ‘tells’ of a full communication.
An add-on to #2 would be to ask permission first…to repeat what you believe/feel you heard. Asking permission conveys that it is important to you, that you are committed to the moment and sets a reciprocal process that now asks the person to truly listen to you as closely as possible. When you do repeat/paraphrase/interpret what you heard, do not ‘add on’ any of your own agenda, keep to the integrity of the communication.
Also like the commitment that you outlined for #5, that the communication is only the starting/connecting point to longer term commitment. Scary good follow through!
What steps would you add to enhance a transformational conversation?
What can leaders do to make a big difference in the lives of others?
This is another in a series of fabulous posts this week, Dan. Each one could turn into a day-long interactive seminar. I find it challenging to pin down one specific concept to focus on. I’ll pick the top three (grin):
1) Although this post is clearly about verbal conversations, I believe in our day and age much “transformational” exchange is occurring via the written word. I have seen teenagers (and younger) suffer deeply due to things written to and about them on social media. Conversely, I know I have benefitted greatly from social media exchanges with people I have never spoken to verbally (including mine with you, Dan).
2) Some of the most transformational conversations are the ones that do not placate. It takes courage and finesse to verbally converse with someone who needs to hear something that is the opposite from what they think they want to hear, but sometimes that is what is most constructive.
3) Lastly, you alluded to this in your post but the other individual should be able to explain the next steps (as opposed to being handed them). Many of us want to solve issues when what we need to do is point out to the listener that the hold the building blocks of a solution; they need help finding the blue print, not someone to build for them.
Dear Dan,
A truly great post about hopes. I agree that creating hope is first and great step to success. Leaders create hope for others who either do not have or do not believe. They create hope for others and connect them with their hopes. People who do not have hopes might have potential better than others but they need push or guidance. And leaders know it well how to create, connect and inspire. I create hope by creating environment, where person can express his or her feeling without hesitation and fear. I listen with interest, passion and curiosity. I encourage and surprise them by expressing my feelings that they have capabilities. I trust them, offer them to meet me any time. Next time when I see them, I notice change in their appearance, confidence and expression.
I think leaders can do a big difference in the lives of others by appreciating publicly and privately for their achievement and improvement. One of the important step, leaders should do is to taking stand to acknowledge when others do not see it.
Dear Dan,
I agree that creating hope is first and great step to success. Leaders create hope for others who either do not have or do not believe. They create hope for others and connect them with their hopes. People who do not have hopes might have potential better than others but they need push or guidance. And leaders know it well how to create, connect and inspire. I create hope by creating environment, where person can express his or her feeling without hesitation and fear. I listen with interest, passion and curiosity. I encourage and surprise them by expressing my feelings that they have capabilities. I trust them, offer them to meet me any time. Next time when I see them, I notice change in their appearance, confidence and expression.
I think leaders can do a big difference in the lives of others by appreciating publicly and privately for their achievement and improvement. One of the important step, leaders should do is to taking stand to acknowledge when others do not see it.
Leaders make a big difference in the lives of others when they…
1. Take the time to get to know the other person
2. Become transparent and share their own “missed successes”
3. Agree to join someone on their journey of discovery
4. Help others redirect negative thoughts
5. Are enthusiastic about someone else’s life path
6. Serve
There are so many essential leadership qualities that are directly related to these questions/answers and can guide leadership success. Leaders need to be empathetic to understand others, then we can help and influence them. Understanding how others operate comes from listening to their words and observing their actions. Then we can influence their hopes and goals as they influence ours as well.
Noah S.
Tulane University
Great post, Dan. What you have outlined is a a classic coaching approach without restricting the interaction to a coaching process.
Cheers
Shakti
thank you for sharing this! Especially as practical as you made it. there are a lot of underlying assumptions to make this work, and a lot of people struggle hard to actually do what you suggest.
Are you familiar with Clean Language by any chance? It resonates with what you are saying.
Maybe you can add a step between 2 and 3 or between 3 and 4: explore their words, by asking (Clean) questions about them. This way you help them explore their meaning for themselves. Which is a great help for getting to step 4. Indeed, as you say, not too soon!
Reblogged this on Firefighter Self Rescue and commented:
I have decided to start posting information to you guys that comes from other people and other sites. Information that I feel is valuable! There are a number of blogs on leadership, professional development, education etc. When I read one that I really think provides some value to you guys, I’m going to share it here! I have received permission from these fantastic writers too!
The first one that I would like to introduce you to is Dan Rockwell a.k.a. The Leadership Freak. I’ve been enjoying Dan’s work for over a year now. I encourage you to visit his site and sign up. You will receive a daily email from him where you can read his latest blog. They all have to do with leadership!
Recently Dan wrote a fantastic piece titled “Six Step Transformational Conversations”. It started off with a quote that really hit home with me and goes right along with a lot of my past videos. It says “Many people who could have made the biggest difference in my life didn’t”…WOW! That’s powerful! The questions that follow that powerful quote are just as powerful! Please take the time to read it and please leave a comment here to start the discussion! I hope you enjoy Dan’s blog as much as I have!
The true definition of a “leader” is a simple one.
“A leader is the main shoot of a tree or bush that brings nutrients to the rest of the plant.”
Everything else is a metaphor. Stay true to this example and you will always “lead” people to prosperity and growth!
Louis Giogaia
Such a good post. I just learned this term, ‘transformational conversations,’ today, and your post has helped me create a framework for it. Thank you!
That’s great, Semonna.